The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3810 on: July 03, 2019, 19:05 »
Like it, that's a good one for W.I next week.   :lol: :lol:  Mrs B
Dux Femina Facti

Sometimes my mind wanders, if found please return.

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3811 on: July 04, 2019, 05:38 »
The New Commanding Officer.

In the great days of the British Empire a new commanding officer was sent to a remote African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) decreed by protocol, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this entire post. His talent and energy is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

At which point the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the local witch doctor to take a running jump!"

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DanielCoffey

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3812 on: July 04, 2019, 10:27 »
It sounds to me like the local Witch Doctors are not the type to boil unlucky Missionaries in a pot. They convert them to THEIR religion, teach them the secret of how to shrink heads and send them BACK TO THE BRITISH!

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3813 on: July 07, 2019, 14:32 »
A man had to go into hospital for an organ transplant.  A few weeks later he met a mate and was telling him about it and how much it cost   The mate said he could do with one as well.
Another few weeks passed and they met up again.  The second man said that he had his done now but it was a lot cheaper than his pal.
The first man said, well lets have a look then.    He replied,  Oh, I can see why it was cheaper, you've got my old one.      Mrs Bouquet

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3814 on: July 18, 2019, 07:25 »
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

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DanielCoffey

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3815 on: July 18, 2019, 10:17 »
An old favourite there.

To be fair they didn't just use an ordinary pencil. Graphite is conductive and fragments floating around the capsules could have caused shorts so they used a hard wax pencil instead.

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3816 on: July 18, 2019, 10:53 »
Graphite is conductive and fragments floating around the capsules could have caused shorts so they used a hard wax pencil instead.
Is that why they gave us wax crayons when I was in the special hospital?  :wacko:
Check out our books - ideal presents

John and Val Harrison's Books
 

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3817 on: July 18, 2019, 23:16 »
Nice one Daniel!

Bit worried about wearing shorts up there though..;0)

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3818 on: July 26, 2019, 07:10 »
I heard a bloke moaning to his mate in the pub recently.

"My wife keeps going on and on at me because I just love football"!

"We all do"! says his mate.

"Yeah, well, but for goodness sake, we've been married for nearly nineteen seasons"!



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