The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3810 on: July 03, 2019, 19:05 »
Like it, that's a good one for W.I next week.   :lol: :lol:  Mrs B
Dux Femina Facti

Sometimes my mind wanders, if found please return.

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3811 on: July 04, 2019, 05:38 »
The New Commanding Officer.

In the great days of the British Empire a new commanding officer was sent to a remote African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) decreed by protocol, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this entire post. His talent and energy is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

At which point the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the local witch doctor to take a running jump!"

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DanielCoffey

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3812 on: July 04, 2019, 10:27 »
It sounds to me like the local Witch Doctors are not the type to boil unlucky Missionaries in a pot. They convert them to THEIR religion, teach them the secret of how to shrink heads and send them BACK TO THE BRITISH!

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3813 on: July 07, 2019, 14:32 »
A man had to go into hospital for an organ transplant.  A few weeks later he met a mate and was telling him about it and how much it cost   The mate said he could do with one as well.
Another few weeks passed and they met up again.  The second man said that he had his done now but it was a lot cheaper than his pal.
The first man said, well lets have a look then.    He replied,  Oh, I can see why it was cheaper, you've got my old one.      Mrs Bouquet

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3814 on: July 18, 2019, 07:25 »
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

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DanielCoffey

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3815 on: July 18, 2019, 10:17 »
An old favourite there.

To be fair they didn't just use an ordinary pencil. Graphite is conductive and fragments floating around the capsules could have caused shorts so they used a hard wax pencil instead.

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3816 on: July 18, 2019, 10:53 »
Graphite is conductive and fragments floating around the capsules could have caused shorts so they used a hard wax pencil instead.
Is that why they gave us wax crayons when I was in the special hospital?  :wacko:
Check out our books - ideal presents

John and Val Harrison's Books
 

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3817 on: July 18, 2019, 23:16 »
Nice one Daniel!

Bit worried about wearing shorts up there though..;0)

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3818 on: July 26, 2019, 07:10 »
I heard a bloke moaning to his mate in the pub recently.

"My wife keeps going on and on at me because I just love football"!

"We all do"! says his mate.

"Yeah, well, but for goodness sake, we've been married for nearly nineteen seasons"!

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JayG

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3819 on: August 19, 2019, 09:37 »
For those who haven't seen them, not one joke, but 10, the first winning this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival funniest joke award (and it's a vegetable joke to boot!  ;))

1) I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets. - Olaf Falafel

2) "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott

3) "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones

4) "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert

5) "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith

6) "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith

7) "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff

8) "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford

9) "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons

10) "I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham

All as reported on https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-49389208

(My favourites: 2, 5 and 8.  :lol:)
Sow your seeds, plant your plants. What's the difference? A couple of weeks or more when answering possible queries!

One of the best things about being an orang-utan is the fact that you don't lose your good looks as you get older

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Pescador

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3820 on: August 19, 2019, 20:06 »
A well bred dog?
Bread dog.png
Every Pickle Helps!

Paul's Preserves and Pickles.

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Pescador

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3821 on: August 20, 2019, 08:41 »
Fred and his friend Bob walked into town one day. "Hey Bob!" one woman said in passing. "Lovely day, isn't it Bob?" said the next man that passed. After the third and fourth person to pass had all greeted Bob, Fred felt compelled to say something. "You sure seem to know a lot of people Bob" said Fred. "Everyone knows me." said Bob. Fred laughs. "Everyone? Hah, not everyone can know you!" Fred says with a chuckle. "Really, Ill show you" Bob says confidently. Fred and Bob travelled to the mayor's house. Upon arrival the doors open wide and the mayor steps out. "Bob!" the mayor exclaims enthusiastically. "I don't believe it!" says Fred "The mayor must know lots of people though." "Okay... Cmon" says Bob. Bob takes Fred to the White House. The security guards and secret service agents simply nod and step to the side for Bob. Fred is in disbelief. Bob and Fred walk straight into the oval office. Fred's jaw gapes as he sets eyes upon the president! "Bob! What's new?" says the president. "Okay, this is impressive, but not EVERYBODY can know you Bob," says Fred. "Okay... Come with me" says Bob. Bob and Fred Fly to Italy and head directly for the Vatican. Standing outside of the Vatican a crowd begins to form. "Wait here," Bob says. Moments later, Bob emerges on the balcony of the Vatican with none other than the Pope! The crowd begins cheering loudly! Looking off the balcony, Bob could see that Fred had fainted. Bob quickly rushed to him. Bob arrived at Fred's side just as he was regaining consciousness. "I guess you were pretty shocked that the Pope knows me!" said Bob. "It wasn't that..." said Fred, "when you two came out on the balcony, the guy behind me said 'whos that with Bob?'"

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Blackpool rocket

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3822 on: August 20, 2019, 14:59 »
What do you get if you cross an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. 

Br

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3823 on: August 25, 2019, 18:38 »
The good people of Lancashire and Yorkshire have decided to forgive each other for The War of The Roses.

They've decided that 'Baah gooms be baah gooms'!

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3824 on: August 25, 2019, 20:06 »
The good people of Lancashire and Yorkshire have decided to forgive each other for The War of The Roses.

They've decided that 'Baah gooms be baah gooms'!
T'gud un!



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