…And there was this chap who got away from the family farm as quickly as humanly possible and joined the Navy, winding up in submarines. After a long patrol with no family communications etc he couldn't wait to phone home and see how things were going back on the farm.
So he joined the queue for the phone box on the end of the jetty, merrily jingling the coins in his pocket. (no, that is not a euphemism. Behave yourselves.) Eventually it was his turn and he dialled home and fed his coins into the slot.
"Hello, Mum! It's me – we just got alongside. How's everything – how's my lovely dog Shep?"
"Oh, son, I'm ever so sorry, I'm afraid your dog Shep….is dead!"
"Dead? Dead? What happened?"
"Kicked in the head by old Dobbin the horse. Didn't stand a chance!"
"But… but Dobbin was a lovely, gentle horse! Why on earth would lovely old Dobbin kick Shep?"
"Ah… we think he was panicking with the smoke and all."
"Smoke? What smoke?"
"Well, with the stables being on fire and burning down, there was a lot of smoke in there. In fact is was the smoke that did for the old horse"
"How the devil did the stables get on fire? Careless cigarette end or something?"
"No, nothing like that. We think it was just some sparks and embers blown across from the main house."
"What do you mean, 'from the main house'? Where would sparks and embers come from?"
"Well when the fire in the house got fierce enough, the roof caved in and a load of sparks and embers were thrown up."
"Fire in the house? But how did the house catch fire? Electrical fault, lightning strike, what…?"
"Nothing of that sort. We reckon one of the candles must have fallen off the coffin."
"Coffin? Whose coffin? Tell me, whose coffin?"
"Oh, it was Grandad's coffin."
"Grandad? Grandad is dead? How did he die?"
"Well, hard to say really. The doctor said it was probably of a broken heart. He just sort of gave up after your Grandma's funeral the day before."
"Grandma? Grandma's funeral? You telling me Grandma is dead as well?"
"Yes, son, dead as a doornail. Bird flu. That was why we had to slaughter the entire flock of chickens and-"
"- stop it Mum!" he yelps. "It's a nightmare, bad news upon bad news and more bad news. Is there nothing, anything at all positive you can say?"
His mum thinks hard for a moment, then "Well, with all the heat from the burning buildings, it warmed up the ground and your Dad's broad beans are coming on a treat…."