NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A WOMAN!
Primordial man comes in and slams the front door:
MAN: Oi Woman! Where are my clean trousers?
WOMAN: Hello darling – have you had a good day?
MAN: I said – where’s my clean trousers?
WOMAN: I really don’t know, my sweetheart. I’ve looked everywhere for them including the utility room. Have you had a good day?
MAN: What’s the utility room?
WOMAN: It’s where I keep the laundry basket. Have you had a good day?
MAN: What’s the laundry basket?
WOMAN: It’s that thing where you put your dirty clothes, and then they appear in your wardrobe all nice and clean quite by magic.
MAN: Don’t be flippant! I want my clean trousers NOW!
WOMAN: If I could give you anything in this world, my precious, I would do so without question but, as you have so often said, you wear the trousers, so I just presumed you knew where they were.
MAN: I put them in – er – well – er - nearby the thingy, er - what’s it called again?
WOMAN: It’s a laundry basket - the thingy you are now wearing over your head.
MAN: (muffled voice). Ah – I wondered what it was! Where’s my pre-prandial Gin and Tonic?
WOMAN: Oh – I’m sorry my deepest love, I must have positioned it just out of reach for you when you fell on the sofa just now – please forgive me for an error that is most unforgivable. I would, of course, give it to you now as requested, but I hate to think of you having to exercise your poor throat muscles working so hard to imbibe it. I would, of course, massage them for you with essential oils but the effect would take some time to work. Please let me consume it for you as a gesture of atonement (slurp!).
MAN: Where’s my dinner?
WOMAN: In the microwave.
MAN: Where’s the microwave?
WOMAN: In the kitchen (slurp).
MAN: Where’s the kitchen?
WOMAN: Next door to the utility room (slurp).
MAN: What’s the utility room?
WOMAN: Itsh where the laundry basket ushted to be.
MAN: (muffled voice). What’s a laundry basket, and why isn’t it there now – remind me!!
WOMAN: Itsh that thing still over your head. I think soup would be better for you tonight my darling, but you can chose whatever colour of straw you want for it – I have red and blue ones (slurp, slurp). Jusht gently indicate with your fingers which convenient opening in the laundry basket you dthesire me to insert your sthraw.
MAN: (still in a muffled voice). Where’s my evening newspaper? I want it NOW!
WOMAN: Oh, love of my life – I am soooo sorry!! The cat had a wee on it – only a little one - and I would have watshed, thdried and thpressed it for you, but you came home just after she did it, and I ......
MAN: Pressed? What’s that? Pressed it on what??
WOMAN: The ironing board.
MAN: What’s an ironing board?
WOMAN: Oh my darling, don’t you worry yourself about that now, it’s jusht something that us females uthse to ensure that all is as pristine as possible to make your little life runs smoothly (Hic).
MAN (still in a rather muffled voice): Where is my paper now?
WOMAN: I put it in the thingy – er – laundry basket (several slurps).
MAN: Where’s the laundry basket?
WOMAN: (Slurp) – On your head, dear – remember?
MAN: Ahh – I wondered what that smell was.
WOMAN: I’ve just found your trousers you wanted washing!!
MAN: Of course you have – I just left them where I normally do. I did tell you before, though you weren’t listening as usual.
WOMAN: Err – I wath listening Oh Great One but, as they were left on the floor in a heap, I assumed they were for Oxfam, so I wathshed them beforehand asth stated on the washing instructions label (slurp, slurp) – er - at least I think I did? (slurp, slurp, hic).
MAN: You DID wash them with “extreme care wash”?
WOMAN: (slurp, slurp) Ah – I thought it said “intensive care wash”, so a boil wash at ninety degrees with maximum spin and drying temperature .......? Oh, silly me. Should have gone to Spec-Savers!!!!!
MAN: (having shower): AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!! This water’s f******g freezing! Why didn’t you put the immersion on earlier when I came in?
WOMAN: Oh, heart of my desire – I would have done, but I uthsed all the hot water washing your Oxfam trousers, and you remember that little tiff we had about you posthitioning (hic) the immersion heater sthwitch in the utility room well above my head so I couldn’t reach it, and you said I was just being a thsilly old girl, but (slurp, slurp, slurp) you know I always do my best for you, whatever the circumstances, and I did do my best but....
MAN: But what, woman?
?
WOMAN: You wouldn’t buy me a nice little pair of steps, only £9.99 from Argos in the sale, so I had to use my initiative, as you have so often told me to do (slurp, hic).
MAN: So what was the final culmination of all your widest female experiences??
WOMAN: I had to use something to stand on to help me reach the fr*****g thswitch.
MAN: (very muffled voice). Language please! What did you use?
WOMAN: The stuffing laundry basket.
MAN: (an extremely muffled voice). Ahh – that hurts!! Can’t you get this thing off my head???
WOMAN: Of course I will my little thweet preciousness. All I need is some thome Fairy Liquid as a lubricant.
MAN: GET SOME NOW!!!!!!
WOMAN: Instantly my hero .... except.... oh dear ...what a daft tart I am. I’ve run out of supplies in the kitchen. I’ve also run out of wine; however, as you have so often taught me, always keep a spare one in expiry date order on the shelf.
MAN: Where’s the shelf?
WOMAN: Above the immersion switch you positioned for me.
MAN: Where’s the immersion switch?
WOMAN: In the utility room.
MAN: (a very, extremely muffled voice) Whasssaaat? Ahhhhh!!
WOMAN: Oh – I think that’s the front door - I’ll get it for you – er - no – I think it’s for me. Hello Mellors! Have you had a good day? Shall I run our bath now?