The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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DanielCoffey

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3960 on: August 26, 2020, 08:10 »
The next day when the new employee turned up for work, the Zoo Manager was waiting for him. Having realised that they were missing some very rare and valuable animals, the Manager had installed security cameras the previous day and had seen everything. He shouted at the employee, told him that he was fired and demanded that he go into the lion enclosure and retrieve the remains of any of the missing animals that he could find so they could be used as evidence against him.

That afternoon the new lion asked the others what was for dinner that evening. They replied "We're not sure but we hear they are sending the waiter over and we can ask him ourselves."

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Blackpool rocket

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3961 on: August 27, 2020, 23:27 »
I paid £100 up front for a chippie to make me up a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3962 on: August 31, 2020, 07:44 »
Just got back from shopping at Tesco. The bloke in front of me at the till had 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros.

Aye, aye I thought, Hispanic buying...

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Tenhens

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3963 on: August 31, 2020, 22:59 »
I paid £100 up front for a chippie to make me up a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.

Jokes that are as bad as this should be put to bed. ;) ;)
we also rescue rabbits and guinea pigs,grow own veg

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Plot 1 Problems

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3964 on: August 31, 2020, 23:36 »
I paid £100 up front for a chippie to make me up a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.

Jokes that are as bad as this should be put to bed. ;) ;)

There should be a blanket ban on them.

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JayG

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3965 on: September 01, 2020, 08:01 »
I thought the joke was very funny (duvet have no sense of humour?  :wub:)
Sow your seeds, plant your plants. What's the difference? A couple of weeks or more when answering possible queries!

One of the best things about being an orang-utan is the fact that you don't lose your good looks as you get older

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3966 on: September 02, 2020, 08:04 »
Well, I'd have gone out in 'divan' and bought another one!

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Aunt Sally

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3967 on: September 02, 2020, 14:09 »
I’m just going to sleep on it.  ::)
Important Advice from the NSALG - frequently updated 
  Covid 19 Emergency Measures

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3968 on: September 03, 2020, 15:25 »
Had you bought a German BMW bed, and quacked at everyone who bothered to listen, you could have enjoyed a 'bed-sprung duck technique'!

You wouldn't have to have had a big bill for it either...

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3969 on: September 24, 2020, 12:05 »
An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to reopen a medical clinic.
 
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
 
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.   

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"   

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."   

Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"   

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations!   You've got your taste back. That will be $500."   

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.   

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."   

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."   

Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"   

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."   

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.   

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"   

Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).   

Dr Young: "But this is only $10!"   

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500!"   

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Mr Dog

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3970 on: September 24, 2020, 20:28 »
Latest to stop the stockpilers.....
Eis7iJMXgAEih0s.jpg

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al78

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3971 on: October 20, 2020, 00:06 »
Horsham Bridge Club coronavirus guidelines:

Draft proposed coronavirus guidelines from the Horsham bridge club reopening sub-committee (Horsham BAG - Bridge Again Group):

1. Players will wear visors, and face coverings, disposable gloves, surgical gowns, and safety boots at all times.
2. No more than two households will be allowed in the ladies toilet at any one time.
3. In the gent's toilets, please stand at least two metres from the bowl at all times.
4. On entering the club, wash hands for 20 seconds, put your coat in your bag, go one way, but not the other. Or vice versa.
5. You must stay in a group of no more than six, and no more than two households. Anyone Scottish can have up to three households. Anyone Welsh can include one household from Scotland, but none from England. Anyone from Northern Ireland is probably lost.
6. Children under 12 don’t count (I blame the teachers)
7. Please stay within your social bubble
8. You can socially bubble with anyone with a national grade no more than two levels away.
9. You can partner anyone in your social bubble, or in your household, or aged under 12, but not all three.
10. When moving, an extra face mask should be worn
11. East must face west when moving south. South must look at north when east or west are moving. North must look confused.
12. Only one player at each table will be allowed to breathe at any one time.
13. Each player should face away from their partner when bidding.
14. Other players should face the player not bidding.
15. After each trick, cards should be safely disposed of, in the “Card Recycling After Play” bucket. This will be clearly labelled with its initials.
16. Immediately afterwards, wash your hands
17. North should score on the bridgemate with their right hand. They should hold their cards, or drink their tea, with their left hand – but not at the same time.
18. Anyone stealing a hand sanitiser will be held by the committee to avoid a clean getaway.
19. The Director will use the semaphore sign ‘M’ to call the movement.
20. To call the director, wave your hands about maniacally, while pointing at the offensive opposition.
21.   All arguments with the director will be by Whatsapp (cross face) ………….................................(cross face should wear a face mask)
22. The exit must never be used as an entrance. That would be way out of line. Not the in thing at all.

By Order
The Committee

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Mr Dog

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3972 on: November 14, 2020, 10:10 »
Meanwhile at tha Dog household....
IMG-20201113-WA0000.jpg

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Mr Dog

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3973 on: November 15, 2020, 19:29 »
One for any mathematicians, or anyone who remembers their school geometry.....
Em0g9klWMA4bL1q.jpg

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3974 on: November 15, 2020, 19:55 »
That's a good 'un, Mr Dog.  :D :D :D
Check out our books - ideal presents

John and Val Harrison's Books
 



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