The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3855 on: February 21, 2020, 20:15 »
For those who missed it..

How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three, a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Check out our books - ideal presents

John and Val Harrison's Books
 

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3856 on: February 21, 2020, 21:13 »
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with a heavy packet of sandpaper. 

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit...

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3857 on: March 07, 2020, 13:09 »
Whilst Val was out scouring the supermarkets in case there was a tin of beans or a toilet roll left, I decided to follow my government survival instructions which we've still got.

Was she grateful? Of course not!

No - shouting at me and demanding I clean the whitewash off the windows, take the sandbags back outside and put the doors I'd used for the inner refuge back on their hinges.

WOMEN - Never happy whatever you do for them. I'm hiding in the Anderson until she calms down :)

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3858 on: March 08, 2020, 06:09 »
Don't worry John...

Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
 
- Spike Milligan

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3859 on: March 13, 2020, 13:44 »
Our cats had a meeting about the coronavirus last night. They've decided that in the event of their humans being too weak to open a tin, they'll reluctantly have to eat the cat food from the day before. Once that has gone, they'll eat the humans!  :ohmy:

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3860 on: March 14, 2020, 10:33 »
Saw this which made me laugh..
Coronalooroll.jpg

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3861 on: March 14, 2020, 12:05 »
I went to the chemist today and asked the uniformed assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"

She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"

I said "Oh, I am so sorry, I thought you worked here"...

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Plot 1 Problems

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3862 on: March 18, 2020, 12:00 »
I hear in Germany that people are stockpiling sausage and cheese. They're preparing for the Wurst Käse scenario.

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3863 on: March 18, 2020, 13:31 »
I hear in Germany that people are stockpiling sausage and cheese. They're preparing for the Wurst Käse scenario.

Veery interestink.. but stupid!

Remember .. Rowan and Martins Laugh In

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3864 on: March 18, 2020, 14:05 »
Bit before my time that one!

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3865 on: March 18, 2020, 14:53 »
Bit before my time that one!
Shame - it was very funny at the time and Goldie Hawn in a bikini brightened it up no end!!

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3866 on: March 18, 2020, 15:21 »
I hear in Germany that people are stockpiling sausage and cheese. They're preparing for the Wurst Käse scenario.

Veery interestink.. but stupid!

Remember .. Rowan and Martins Laugh In

Awwwww, Goldie Hawn! Gorgeous, and Ruth Buzzi too!

Take it away Goldie - swipe with a five iron...

Veeery interestink, think abaaaht it...

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3867 on: March 19, 2020, 09:13 »
****TOP TIP for home isolation******
Pretend you are a contestant on Ready,Steady,Cook and make a lovely meal for the family with what's left on the shelves in Tescos! A gherkin, a four way extension lead and shoe polish.

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DanielCoffey

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3868 on: March 19, 2020, 12:59 »
Here's a little poem to cheer you all up. It was re-posted from somewhere by our local farmer who uses the actual farmland in Mauchline that Robbie Burns once owned. I need you to put on your thickest Scottish accent and give it a go...

Tae a Virus

Twa months ago, we didna ken,
yer name or ocht aboot ye
But lots of things have changed since then,
I really must salute ye

Yer spreading rate is quite intense,
yer feeding like a gannet
Disruption caused, is so immense,
ye’ve shaken oor wee planet.

Corona used tae be a beer,
they garnished it wae limes
But noo it’s filled us awe wae fear
These days, are scary times.

Nae shakin hawns, or peckin lips,
it’s whit they awe advise
But scrub them weel, richt tae the tips,
that’s how we’ll awe survive

Just stay inside , the hoose, ye bide
Nae sneakin oot for strolls
Just check the lavvy every hoor
And stock-take, your, loo rolls

Our holidays have been pit aff
Noo that’s the Jet2 patter
Pit oan yer thermals, have a laugh
And paddle ‘ doon the waater ‘

Canary isles, no for a while
Nae need for suntan cream
And awe because o this wee bug
We ken tae be..19

The boredom surely will set in,
But have a read, or doodle
Or plan yer menu for the month
Wi 95 pot noodles.

When these run oot, just look aboot
A change, it would be nice
We’ve beans and pasta By the ton
and twenty stane o rice.

So dinny think yell wipe us oot
Aye true, a few have died
Bubonic, bird flu, and Tb
They came, they left, they tried

Ye might be gallus noo ma freen
As ye jump fae cup tae cup
But when we get oor vaccine made
Yer number will be up.

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3869 on: March 26, 2020, 20:27 »
I answered the door this morning...

A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a fat twit.

Be careful folks, there's a nasty bug going around..

 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D



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