The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3780 on: April 18, 2019, 05:42 »
I ordered a Thesaurus online and it just arrived.
The pages are all BLANK!!!
I have no words to express my outrage.

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3781 on: April 18, 2019, 11:01 »
Two men talking on their allotments.   One asked the other, how long have you been married ?   His pal replied,  40 year.    First man,  You must love her very much.   Pal replied,   for the first year, I loved her so much I could have eaten her.   Now I wish I had.        Mrs Bouquet
Dux Femina Facti

Sometimes my mind wanders, if found please return.

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Pescador

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3782 on: April 21, 2019, 17:09 »
This explains a lot!
Irish dancing.jpg
Every Pickle Helps!

Paul's Preserves and Pickles.

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3783 on: April 23, 2019, 17:32 »
Some years ago, during a blazing hot summer, there was a spate of forest fires in various parts of Ireland. They all came at the time when the oil wells in Kuwait were being blown up, and ‘Red Adair’ became a legend through his methods of putting them all out.

Just outside Dublin, one of the prettiest areas of woodland you could shake a stick at, became subject to an ill-advised fag end, and a small fire started in the tinder dry brushwood.

The fire soon began to expand, and the Mayor, a kindly, honest man named O’Donaghue, became somewhat agitated, as he lived close by, at the bottom of a long hill, near which, his estate boundary was situated. He had extensive woodlands there, and the fire was not that far away.

As the danger increased Mr O’Donaghue decided to take the matter in his own hands, and made a public request for any ideas to extinguish the fire. The Dublin authorities were under no illusions as to what might happen to them, if his property was affected, so they called a meeting.

The eventual outcome was that someone would be sent to find out if Red Adair could help, but they were quickly rebuffed, partly because the Adair name was so well occupied in the oilfields, he really couldn’t take the chance and pop over to Ireland for the week, and help, and also he’d want a million Euros for the privilege.

Now, while Mr O’Donaghue wasn’t a pauper, he did have some conditions, mainly placed by various legal requirements involving ex-wives etc., this would have been out of his league anyway.

One evening while he was partaking of a bottle of Bushmills and a peat sandwich, there was a knock on the door, and a bedraggled man, with a couple of mates, stood there, with hands on their caps, wringing them to death.

He reminded himself that he was still Mayor, despite the faint smell of smoke coming from his private forest, and beckoned the chaps inside.

‘To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit, gentlemen’? He enquired.

‘Well, Sor, we are fighters of the fire, and understand that you have a bit of a problem over yonder’, replied the vociferous one (the others remained silent).

‘This is true’, said the Mayor, ‘and our local fire service has too much on its hands to help much, despite the fact that I am Mayor’.

‘Let me introduce myself, Mr Lord Mayor your Worship Lordship. I am known as Green Adair, and I can take the job of putting out your fire for the sum of twenty thousand Euros. I have my own secret methods, but I assure you of success’.

Mayor O’Donaghue sat the men down, opened another bottle of Bushmills, and they discussed the terms, after which hands were shaken, and a deal struck for work to start within the hour, despite there being absolutely no idea on how the job would proceed.

With the flames approaching the farmstead, Mr O’Donaghue wondered after forty-five minutes, whether he had been sold a pup, as he’d paid a deposit of a thousand Euros to Green Adair, and for the remainder of the fee, he wanted success of course.
So the Mayor went outside to watch the rapidly approaching smoke, and to his surprise, he saw, at the top of the hill, an elderly Range Rover appear over the brow, and descend towards his woodland at an alarming rate of knots.

The old car squeaked and banged all over the place, until it disappeared into the burning wood with several shouts of anger, and some even worse exclamations!

Out of the Range Rover, a dozen stout Irish gentlemen erupted and rushed around, with absolutely no water pumping apparatus or protection, and stamped their big boots everywhere at such a frenzy, shouting obscenities and worse, yelling at their mates, bellowing at Green Adair, but after about half an hour, there was absolutely no sign of the fire, which had been completely obliterated!

Mr O’Donaghue stared at the last smouldering embers, and watched as the men all emerged from the embers, covered in soot, and grime!

They all gathered on the porch of Mr Donaghue’s house, and he handed round drinks for everyone, including an envelope with the fee requested by Mr Adair.

‘So now, Mr Adair, I can safely say that you are a splendid sort of firefighter, never afraid of hard work, and your money is safely with you now! Just out of interest, may I ask what you intend to spend it all on please’?

‘Well Sor, this is mighty fine of you to settle our agreement so quickly, and I tink the first thing I’ll do is get the brakes fixed on that blasted Range Rover’!

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3784 on: May 05, 2019, 20:58 »
I saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird...
Then I realised he must be one of those “plane clothes cops”...

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3785 on: May 09, 2019, 18:13 »
When SIr Walter Raleigh returned from his voyage to the new world he introduced two new products to the court of Queen Elizabeth. The potato and tobacco. Neither became popular though for many years. Eventually it was realised this was due to mix up on the instructions..
So they reversed things and began smoking the tobacco and eating the potatoes...
Not a lot of people know that!
Check out our books - ideal presents

John and Val Harrison's Books
 

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3786 on: June 03, 2019, 09:37 »
Difficult Question

Every parent - and grandparent - knows that young children can ask difficult questions. High on the list is "Where do babies come from?"
It's very important to give a full and honest answer even if you find it embarrassing. Actually you'll find they usually lose interest in the answer by the time you've covered the importance of RNA in unravelling the DNA strands and explained mitochondrial DNA.
:)

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Pescador

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3787 on: June 03, 2019, 20:14 »
So true!
Trump Condom.jpg

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3788 on: June 04, 2019, 19:46 »
"I bet you don't know what day this is", said my wife to me as I made my way out the front door this morning. I have to admit to being a little perplexed, but fortunately I'm a quick thinker.

"Of course I do darling. How could I forget!?" With that, I turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when Mrs RogerBodger opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. My wife couldn't wait for me to come home.

I arrived home from work feeling a bit smug, satisfied that I had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

The missus was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

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DanielCoffey

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3789 on: June 05, 2019, 10:56 »
Well, Rodger - if you *really* are such a quick thinker you would have barely blinked and replied "Well dear, that is because I have never met such a wonderful woman in my life!"

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3790 on: June 05, 2019, 18:39 »
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3791 on: June 15, 2019, 06:37 »
My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him...
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3792 on: June 15, 2019, 07:30 »
We've got three children, 12,14 and 15.

Funny names really...

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3793 on: June 18, 2019, 17:56 »
I just can't seem to finish this woodworking project, but it's not for lacquer trying.

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JayG

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3794 on: June 18, 2019, 20:55 »
Understand your frustration rogerbodger - had an appointment today to meet a joiner-cum-magician who failed to turn up (his wife told me he just varnished.)
Sow your seeds, plant your plants. What's the difference? A couple of weeks or more when answering possible queries!

One of the best things about being an orang-utan is the fact that you don't lose your good looks as you get older



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