The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3765 on: March 09, 2019, 18:36 »
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.
"What do you think?" she said
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3766 on: March 11, 2019, 06:02 »
An old one I was reminded of yesterday .....

In a certain suburban neighbourhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighbourhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agreed to talk with the boys and asked to see the younger boy first. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy’s nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3767 on: March 15, 2019, 12:33 »
A risqué joke from the W.I. Entertainer.

A big bald eagle, flapping around the tree tops, feeling a bit sexy, when he spots and little tit, so he flies down and … The tit says, I have had a little bit, and I am happy.  However the bald eagle wasn't so happy, and he looks around and spots a dove.  He flies down and chats her up and …. The little dove says, I have had a little love, and I am happy.   The bald eagle thinks, yes but not enough.  So he looks around and spies a duck.   Down he swoops, and ….  The duck says,  I am a little drake and there's been a big mistake ... :ohmy: Mrs Bouquet.   
Dux Femina Facti

Sometimes my mind wanders, if found please return.

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3768 on: March 15, 2019, 12:49 »
Another joke from W.I.   (I am only the messenger  :D)

A man went into a fish and chip shop, and asked for some Cod.  The fryer replied, sorry we haven't got cod.
The man replied, you must have you are a fish shop.   The fryer said, Take away the C at the front of chips, what have you got,   Answering the man said, hips, exactly said the fryer,  Now take away the H in front of haddock, what have you got, the man answered addock,  exactly said the fryer,  Now take away the F in front of cod, what have you got.  The man replied, But there is no F in cod,   Exactly, said the fryer.    :D  Mrs Bouquet

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wapello

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3769 on: March 15, 2019, 12:59 »
Well Mrs B  they are a bit risque for the WI  to much sherry maybe,, have they given up on the cake making then,,,,, ::)  :D
Colin

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3770 on: March 15, 2019, 14:34 »
WI's are no longer how people imagine them  :)  It wasn't sherry, it was a celebration, and we had proscecco, except me. (I'm a good girl  :lol:)  Mrs Bouquet

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Pescador

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3771 on: March 15, 2019, 18:24 »
"After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, 'Do you have a name yet?'
"I replied, 'Yes. Steve.'
"She said, 'Awww! That's a lovely name!'
"'Thanks,' I said, 'But what do you think we should call the baby?'"
Every Pickle Helps!

Paul's Preserves and Pickles.

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3772 on: March 24, 2019, 06:39 »
I went to the doctor yesterday and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”
“When did these start?”
“Next Thursday.”

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JayG

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3773 on: March 24, 2019, 08:17 »
Man goes to the doctor and says 'Doctor, I'm doing my first ever parachute jump tomorrow and I'm terrified that something's going to go horribly wrong.'

Doctor replies 'I think you may be jumping to a hasty conclusion.'
Sow your seeds, plant your plants. What's the difference? A couple of weeks or more when answering possible queries!

One of the best things about being an orang-utan is the fact that you don't lose your good looks as you get older

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Pescador

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3774 on: March 24, 2019, 13:48 »
All these people banging on about the People’s March in London yesterday
Pure arrogance
It’s been March in Wales for ages!

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3775 on: April 01, 2019, 18:39 »
The time and motion expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, cooker, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes", replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3776 on: April 01, 2019, 18:41 »
"Son, I'm worried about your being at the bottom of the class."

"Dad, they teach the same stuff at both ends."

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3777 on: April 04, 2019, 19:30 »
The tube was very crowded when the young lady got on and a gentleman attempted to rise. She pushed him back gently and he tried to rise once more.
"No, no, thank you!" she murmured, pushing him back again.
"Please let me get up, lady," he protested. "I'm already 2 stops past my station!"

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3778 on: April 05, 2019, 17:56 »
As I get older I find I've become more absent minded.

Last night when I got home I knew there was something I wanted to do, but couldn't remember what it was. Finally, after sitting there until late in the evening trying to think, I remembered that I wanted to go to bed early as I had an early start today.

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3779 on: April 15, 2019, 19:01 »
My neighbour's having a tough time at home just lately.

I couldn't help but hear him yelling at his wife one day last week, I asked him the next morning what it was about to be told that she'd spent a large sum of money. The following evening the yelling repeated, but was even louder. The next morning he explained that the reason for the increased volume was that she'd told him what the money was spent on.

I saw him this evening, he told me his wife had been giving him the silent treatment since the yelling incidents. He had to be up early this morning, and as they were not speaking and not wanting to break the silence he wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m." This morning he woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd miss his business meeting. Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.



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