The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3735 on: December 20, 2018, 06:16 »
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a £250 dress she had bought.

"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Hey, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said 'It looks great from back here, too!'"

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3736 on: December 30, 2018, 07:59 »
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her mother and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.

When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her New friend.

However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a gasp! ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three
shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't ... Didn't Mean to.."

"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Asda."

The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But ... But your Husband's' ashes..."

"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get himself up and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3737 on: January 09, 2019, 19:16 »
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me break wind."

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3738 on: January 11, 2019, 19:13 »
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3739 on: January 12, 2019, 07:08 »
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who areyou, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3740 on: January 14, 2019, 06:06 »
I started making a belt out of old watch straps, but gave up in the end as it was a waste of time

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3741 on: January 14, 2019, 07:06 »
Three priests of varied denominations are discussing how they deal with the collection plate after the service.

The C of E vicar says " I occasionally slide a few coins over the edge onto the vestry table, and the cleaner then pops them into my study a few hours later"!

The Methodist says "I just take the small silver coins and leave the notes as they're easier to count afterwards"!

The Catholic priest says "Well, I just go into the vestry after mass, take the plate, then throw the whole lot up in the air!

The other two are aghast and ask why.

"Oh that's easy", says the priest "What stays up, He keeps..."!
« Last Edit: January 14, 2019, 07:08 by Growster... »

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3742 on: January 21, 2019, 06:06 »
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a holiday. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3743 on: January 21, 2019, 15:47 »
love your jokes,rogerbodger.   :lol: :lol: :lol:  Mrs Bouquet
Dux Femina Facti

Sometimes my mind wanders, if found please return.

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3744 on: January 21, 2019, 19:00 »
love your jokes,rogerbodger.   :lol: :lol: :lol:  Mrs Bouquet
Thank you ..... I find a little humour helps to lift my mood, if sharing does the same for someone else then that's a bonus.

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3745 on: January 21, 2019, 19:02 »
A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.
Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.
"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and punctured my tyres!" protested the driver.
"OK," replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."
"What for?" retorted the man.
"Tacks evasion," answered the policeman.

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3746 on: January 24, 2019, 12:54 »
SEVERE WEATHER WARNING!!

The AA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets/sleeping bag, extra clothing (including scarf, hat and gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare battery, petrol can, first-aid kit and jump leads.


I felt like a right idiot on the bus!

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3747 on: January 25, 2019, 12:09 »
Picked up a hitchhiker the other day, seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles he asked if I wasn't concerned that he might be a serial killer.

I said the probability of there being two serial killers in the same car was very unlikely.

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3748 on: January 27, 2019, 18:28 »
The other day, my wife and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Mrs Bodger finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'
I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3749 on: January 29, 2019, 19:08 »
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”



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