The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3705 on: October 06, 2018, 06:53 »
Did you go to the factory in Newcastle, or Bishops Stortford, Hamsters?

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DanielCoffey

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3706 on: October 07, 2018, 10:59 »
With all the driving around, at least you won't get board.

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mumofstig

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3707 on: October 10, 2018, 09:05 »
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

 If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

 Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

 When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

 Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

 Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

 If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Lesley x
I'm not good, I'm not bad - I'm just me, and sometimes I have to apologise for that ;)

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Tenhens

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3708 on: October 21, 2018, 22:00 »
Is a female barrister without her briefs , a solicitor?

Recently heard the phrase " solution finder "

So I asked the speaker of this phrase what container they would be using to store the solution , once they had found it. ;) ;)
we also rescue rabbits and guinea pigs,grow own veg

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Tenhens

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3709 on: October 26, 2018, 23:04 »
A lady was walking through her local  park where she passes a man laying on a bench covered in old newspapers.  Being of a caring disposition , she asks him if he's ok  ,   " Back issues " he replies.



Why did the canteen clock always run slow?













It always went back four seconds.

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3710 on: October 27, 2018, 16:52 »
There was a great programme on last night on tomatoes,anyone who didn't see it, it is available on Ketchup
i dont suffer with insanity..........i enjoy every minute of it.

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3711 on: October 28, 2018, 07:08 »
There was a great programme on last night on tomatoes,anyone who didn't see it, it is available on Ketchup

Shirley you mean SunGold...?

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al78

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3712 on: October 29, 2018, 11:35 »
"Why are you late for work."
"I had my hair cut."
"Why did you have your hair cut in office time?"
"It grows in office time."
"It doesn't all grow in office time."
"I didn't have it all cut off."

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Pescador

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3713 on: October 29, 2018, 18:04 »
Watch out for these foggy mornings!
witch..jpg
Every Pickle Helps!

Paul's Preserves and Pickles.

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3714 on: November 01, 2018, 10:47 »
A lady was going on Holiday and went to her hairdresser before going.
The hairdresser asked her where she was going, and she replied 'Rome'
The Hairdresser said, 'oh you'll hate it.  Filthy place, horrid food, expensive coffee, too many tourists, what hotel are you staying at' ?  The lady replied ' The Rialto'.   The hairdresser said, 'its a complete dump, dirty, mouldy, no service whatsoever'.   The lady said, 'but we are going to see the Pope'  The hairdresser said,'ha no chance, and even if he came onto the balcony, you wouldn't see him, he'd look  like an ant'

When the lady returned from Rome, she duly went to the hairdresser, who said 'well' ?
The lady said, 'it was beautiful, the sun was out, there was no litter and everywhere was spotless.  We had charming café waiters and the drinks were reasonable.  The hotel had  been totally refurbished and was  it sumptuous.
We had a private audience with the Pope as well.
Oh, said the hairdresser, 'what did he say to you'
The lady replied, 'he said, ' who ever does your hair ! it looks f-----g awful'
 :lol: :lol: :lol: Mrs Bouquet
Dux Femina Facti

Sometimes my mind wanders, if found please return.

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Pescador

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3715 on: November 01, 2018, 19:40 »
Love the expression!
Haloween Dalmation.jpg

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3716 on: November 03, 2018, 10:00 »
Two wealthy, glamorous and catty ladies were out taking 'afternoon tea'.
One said to the other, 'how was your trip to Rome, and what was the visit with the Pope like ?'

The second lady replied, 'it was wonderful, very colourful, lots of pomp and ceremony, and lots of distinguished and charming people, but His Wife, - she's a bitch !'

Mrs Bouquet

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al78

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3717 on: November 07, 2018, 20:52 »
Why we love children:

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father..
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

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al78

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3718 on: November 07, 2018, 20:54 »
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back..' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back..'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland


A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

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8doubles

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3719 on: November 08, 2018, 08:38 »
Apparently there is a new sex position called Hermes.

In all day and nobody comes !



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