[John]

Nice one, Grinling!

[Growster...]

My friend had a carrot that died.

There was a huge turnip for the funeral...

[rogerbodger]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
 


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow..."

[John]

Arghhhhhhhhhh!

[Growster...]

Two miserable old codgers were sitting in the park, doing nothing but moan.

One says "My wife's so blooming hard to please, she never accepts anything with even a smile, and is always looking blooming miserable! Is your wife hard to please, Harry"?

Harry replies, "Dunno, I've never tried"!

[davethespread]

my wife is vegetarian and keeps having a go at me because i like veal,but she eats baby carrots......

[Growster...]

"my wife is vegetarian and keeps having a go at me"

Well, aren't you the lucky one, getting a nibble now and then...!

Paaaah!

[rogerbodger]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

"Borrowed" from another forum

[rogerbodger]

BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an airline to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

[hamstergbert]

Wonder if he was the same chap who took his tailor to court over shoddy goods.

His suit failed.




Or the chap who sued a plastic surgeon for reshaping him as a straight edge.

The judge ruled against him.

[rogerbodger]

I was about to make a joke about a short sighted stag, when I realised it was a bad idea.

[hamstergbert]

I tried hard to think of one even cornea...

[Pescador]

Or about a blind stag..... no idea

or a blind stag that hasn't moved... still no idea.

[Tenhens]

Mrs Tenhens and I were out and about the other day at a market town when we came across one of those mobile trailer/ caravan display thingys with bunting and flags and banners fluttering in the summer breeze.
Just remembered , I think they call em mobile display units or MDU's   which I guess explains the wheels.

Should I investigate  , and if so will I be parting with any hard earned , decides to take a chance and sidles up towards a banner attached to the side of the MDU and begin to read.

The banner tells me , by the printed text and not spoken words , you understand,  because that would be silly, who ever heard of a talking sheet of vinyl??    that the MDU is from Peeks Mountain Rescue , who the people are that provide the service , fundraising efforts and so on. Quite an interesting read in some ways I suppose.

One of the 'Peeks' people decides that I am worth approaching and homes in , having observed my angle of gaze meandering it's way down the text , decides to engage.
" Can I help you , Sir ?"

  That's a good start ,thinks I , he's called me 'Sir' .

 " I'm not sure, possibly , just reading what you do,  oh yes , do you have a 'contract ' with one hospital for when treatment is required?"

He thinks for a moment , possibly thinking this is a strange question." No , Sir , we take them to whichever is nearest."
"I see, "I reply," thank you"

Another thought occurs , so I ask "What happens when you complete the rescue , treatment is finished and the mountain is sent on it's way , how does it get back to where you rescued it from , I've never seen one hanging from a helicopter or on top of an ambulance"

 

[rogerbodger]

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
 

‘Look Paddy ... there's that flipping idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'