Allotment Gardening Advice Help Chat

Chatting => Chatting on the Plot => Topic started by: davethespread on March 10, 2010, 14:28

Title: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 10, 2010, 14:28
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied,"twenty-seven feet,six and one half inches."
"What? how come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.
"well,i knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me,so i measured it!"replied the carpenter.
                                 _____________________________

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile,gave him a broom,and said,"your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"but im a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"oh im sorry,i did'nt realize that,"said the manager.
"here,give me the broom--i'll show you how."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 10, 2010, 15:12
 :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 10, 2010, 15:14
A graduate of Trinity College Dublin, despairing of obtaining work in his academic field, decided to adhere to stereotype and applied for a job as a builder's labourer.  The foreman looked askance at the graduate's soft hands and pasty complexion and reckoned that this candidate was wasting his time, and would know nothing about the construction industry.  However being a fair man he decided to ask a question of two anyway.
"Right then," he said.  "Do you know the difference between 'Joist' and 'Girder'?"
"Of course!" replied the graduate.  "Joist wrote 'Ulysses' and Girder wrote 'The Damnation of Doctor Faust'!"

I'll get me coat..........
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 10, 2010, 15:18
I like that too! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on March 10, 2010, 15:20
 :D :D :D :D

(must send it to the Dublin English PhD I know .....  he works in IT these days for the same reason!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on March 10, 2010, 17:26
Our cat's just eaten our flock of ducks.  :ohmy:

Now he's a duck filled fattypuss. ::)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 10, 2010, 17:31
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 10, 2010, 18:19
Something along the same theme;
I'm typing this slowly because I know you cannot read very fast :) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 10, 2010, 19:10
my dad always said to me.......son women are like guns keep one around long enough and you will want to shoot it :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 10, 2010, 19:46
ye..aaasssssssssss
hmmm
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 10, 2010, 19:51
My dad always used to say "Don't go out with a woman with big hands 'cos it will make your dinner look small!"

(Something like that, anyway!)  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 10, 2010, 19:59
Cracker, but keep it clean people!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 11, 2010, 07:35
me and my mrs had a row last night,and she said,"you know what, i was a fool when i married you",so i said "i know but i was in love and i did'nt notice"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: peapod on March 11, 2010, 07:41
Thats your tea burned today  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 11, 2010, 07:45
hello Peapod - 1-1 then?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: peapod on March 11, 2010, 07:59
better than 1-0 - good old Nugent! I knew he was fired up after the Arsenal game.

I had too much work to do so didnt go on, gave my son my season ticket - and ended up sitting watching it on the net  ::)

We really have a hard slog to stay up, but Im now saying never say never until the very end  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 11, 2010, 08:33
Thats your tea burned today  :lol:



no change there then  ::):D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 11, 2010, 08:53
if one synchronized swimmer drowns.....do the others have to drown too?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on March 11, 2010, 09:57
"Out of the mouths of babes."



1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.'







2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?'





3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said,

'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door

until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''





4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

a mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his

voice, 'Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

'The big sissy'





5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,

as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,

'Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron.'





6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old

came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, 'Mommy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your butt?'




8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken

Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken

Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little

went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class,

'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said,

'I think he said: 'Holy dodo! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.





9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,

'I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,

'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'





10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 11, 2010, 15:14
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

“She said, “Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 11, 2010, 15:25
A skeleton walks up to a bar and says "Two pints of lager, and a bucket please."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 11, 2010, 15:38
A white horse walks into a bar.
The barman looks the white horse up and down.  "Did you know there is a drink named after you!" he says to the white horse.
"Really?  Named after me?" replies the white horse.  "Fancy that!  Well then, I'd better have a pint of Dobbin."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 11, 2010, 15:48
A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "Look duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any yesterday, and we definitely won't have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor." So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks "Got any nails?" The bartender says "No." Then the duck says "Oh good. Got any grapes?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 11, 2010, 19:13
A white horse walks into a bar.
The barman looks the white horse up and down.  "Did you know there is a drink named after you!" he says to the white horse.
"Really?  Named after me?" replies the white horse.  "Fancy that!  Well then, I'd better have a pint of Dobbin."

A horse walks into a Bar. The barman looks at the horse and says "Why the long face?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 12, 2010, 07:54
The Funeral Procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 12, 2010, 14:13
Two sweets want to enter a nightclub.The bouncer stops them,looks at the Tune and the Halls sweets collectively and says"You two carn't come in here your both menthol"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 12, 2010, 14:40
LOL at The Funeral Procession  :) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 12, 2010, 14:57
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was pretty stormy,they were standing at the back of the ship watching the storm,when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
they searched for days and conld'nt find him,so the captain sent the old women ashore with the promise he would notify her as soon as they found something.
three weeks went by when out of the blue she got a fax from the captain.
it read, 'ma'am,sorry to inform you,we found your husband at the bottom of the ocean.we hauled him up on deck and attache to his butt was an oyster with a pearl worth £50,000 please advise'.the old women faxed back,'send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 12, 2010, 14:59
Dave I cannot fathom that one out! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 12, 2010, 15:05
Dave I cannot fathom that one out! :D
barnacles :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 12, 2010, 16:21
This is an old story but............. a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the school caretaker would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the caretaker who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie 'Princesses').
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the caretaker to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in one of the toilet bowls, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers............and then there are educators.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: georgeclark on March 12, 2010, 21:52
Right Then. So, there was a Runner Bean and its mother who were sitting in a field. The Runner bean says to its mother: Can i go to the toilet? his mum says: No. We have important work to do. He then convinces his mum to listen to him reciting the alphabet. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z. His mum notices something is missing. Immediately she says: Where is the P? The runner bean shouts: Oh dear, it seems to bee running down my leg.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 13, 2010, 09:02
  Two fish bang their heads on a concrete wall , one said dam !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 13, 2010, 10:18
Apple will be releasing a gadget exclusively for women later in the year its called the iRON :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 13, 2010, 10:20
Apple will be releasing a gadget exclusively for women later in the year its called the iRON :lol:

DAVID! Go and stand in the corner right now!  >:(  ;) :tongue2: :tongue2: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 13, 2010, 10:25
 :lol: :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 13, 2010, 10:26
Apple will be releasing a gadget exclusively for women later in the year its called the iRON :lol:

DAVID! Go and stand in the corner right now!  >:(  ;) :tongue2: :tongue2: :D
It's funny though Lorna :D :D :D Good reponse as well :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 13, 2010, 10:33
Apple will be releasing a gadget exclusively for women later in the year its called the iRON :lol:

DAVID! Go and stand in the corner right now!  >:(  ;) :tongue2: :tongue2: :D
It's funny though Lorna :D :D :D Good reponse as well :D :D

Hi Nige,

It was funny yes, but a similar response had to be made by one of us. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 13, 2010, 11:50
Davy boy - thin ice mate, thin ice.................. :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 13, 2010, 13:49
:lol: :blush:

You're not still in the corner are you?  :ohmy:  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 13, 2010, 14:51
can i come out now please :blink: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 13, 2010, 17:55
TODAY'S funny is the Welsh Rugby team - what a joke
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 13, 2010, 19:04
can i come out now please :blink: :D

Oh dear Dave, (that could be Oh, dear Dave or Oh dear, Dave), YES please come out of the corner if you're still there, it must be cold in there...

:)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 13, 2010, 19:11
he isn't in the corner at all - he's watching Arsenal!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 13, 2010, 19:20
I'm sure he is Plum! He mentioned that.... and pretending he was kept in the corner....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 13, 2010, 20:15
i have a corner suite :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 13, 2010, 20:49
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 13, 2010, 20:51
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 13, 2010, 20:54
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and glum.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

BUPA will cover the procedure costs, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women , but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


Hey girls, do I get brownie points for this?

Mark
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: philskin on March 13, 2010, 20:58
 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: philskin on March 13, 2010, 21:03
one for horsepooisgood

I cant understand why women want a driving licence , you dont need one to get from the bedroom to the kitchen

 whoops im off to the naughty step now lol
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 13, 2010, 21:18
Philskin I think you should follow in the steps of Gandhi. You are in soooooo much trouble :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 13, 2010, 21:23
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and glum.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

BUPA will cover the procedure costs, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women , but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


Hey girls, do I get brownie points for this?

Mark


Creep. :tongue2: :tongue2: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 13, 2010, 21:25
one for horsepooisgood

I cant understand why women want a driving licence , you dont need one to get from the bedroom to the kitchen

 whoops im off to the naughty step now lol


They need it to find the vacuum cleaner and the iron, you silly boy. :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on March 13, 2010, 21:37
Methinks the naughty step is overcrowded.  Although talking to my eldest on Thursday who is doing her NVQ in childcare, you are not supposed to comment on 'naughty' behaviour and only  concentrate on 'good'.  The chilldren in her nursery , when they say 'teddy has been naughty' are encoureged (sp) to say 'Teddy has been 'unkind''.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 13, 2010, 21:44
Unkind is even worse than naughty. It implies the child has victimised another child. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 13, 2010, 22:26
Quote
Why is the male brain so much more?"

surely the answer should be.....'because it is so hard to find a man with one'

well if David, and Phil can be facetious..so can I.. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 13, 2010, 23:31
Mum - it's easy for them to be brave on a forum!!! :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 13, 2010, 23:59
I'm with you girls, let the dirty rotters have it. How dare they poke fun at the weaker sex.(Are we allowed to say that word) :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 14, 2010, 00:12
A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska.

The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us."

Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer.

"See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badges! Show him your badges!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2010, 10:31
why have women got smaller feet than men?....so they can get closer to the sink
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 14, 2010, 11:32
why have women got smaller feet than men?....so they can get closer to the sink

Plum! Tell him, will you?  :nowink:  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 14, 2010, 12:31
I'm ducking under the table!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 14, 2010, 14:22
Davy boy - it's back into that spider infested corner with you mate!! :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2010, 14:24
thats very difficult plum i live in a round house :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on March 14, 2010, 14:40
The cellar then - no light either!

(A round house?  A light house??)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 14, 2010, 14:44
The cellar then - no light either!

(A round house?  A light house??)

an oast house?..come on dave spill the beans.......o sorry did you have a roast for a change :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 14, 2010, 18:05
well, if you ain't got a corner, perhaps a shed............
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2010, 18:20
its a dustbin :( ::) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2010, 19:12
someone has been going into our site and adding soil to my allotment every night i have'nt a clue why.............the plot thickens
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 14, 2010, 19:15
its a dustbin :( ::) ;)
Contemporary plastic or rustic metal Dave?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 14, 2010, 19:16
someone has been going into our site and adding soil to my allotment every night i have'nt a clue why.............the plot thickens

That took me quite a while Dave :nowink: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2010, 19:19
i really spoilt her today,first i bought her a lovely new fragrance,then i rubbed essential oils into her body,and then i done the hoovering and dusting.......................i really love that car
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2010, 19:21
its a dustbin :( ::) ;)
Contemporary plastic or rustic metal Dave?

oh rustic metal nigel,plastic please ::) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 14, 2010, 20:57
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a  headache"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on March 14, 2010, 21:56
AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.
-------------------------------------------------------------

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 15, 2010, 16:14
i have just read in the paper that drinking alcohol can kill you,it scared the hell out of me.so thats it, as of now, im giving up reading papers.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on March 15, 2010, 17:26
My boyfriend is so fat that when he fell down the stairs, I thought Eastenders was starting...!   :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: philskin on March 15, 2010, 19:00
Is it right that if they find a skeleton buried somewere they can tell if its male or female straight away ,if the jawbone is worn its female
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 15, 2010, 19:06
I've had to remove the extremely long links as they were breaking the page layout and making it difficult for everyone to use - sorry
John
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 15, 2010, 19:07
Off to the naught step for both of you.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: HugglescoteGrower on March 16, 2010, 16:52
I asked the missus the other day what she wants me to grow on the allotment this year. Spuds? Yeah, Carrots? Yeah, Peas, Beans, Cabbages, Caulis, Sprouts? Yeah. Parsnip? Yeah, Turnips, ugh - No! Beetroot, Yeah, Squashes Yeah, especially blackcurrant and orange, we buy lots of those!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 17, 2010, 11:49
And for the kiddies, some nursery almost-rhymes

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He would have stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle
But luckily he was a GP so was driving one of his Range Rovers to the golf course while his receptionist referred all his patients to the local chemist.

One, two buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, seven is it? I'm sorry, I went to a state school that felt that arithmetic was not as important as teaching me about lesbians and socialism.

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
But the police and fire brigade won't be able to do anything in case they breach the latest health and safety directive from the Department of Humourless Jobsworths
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on March 17, 2010, 12:06
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at
The table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 17, 2010, 12:17
Mary had a little lamb

her father shot it dead

and now she takes it in to school,

between two lumps of bread.



And very tasty too! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 17, 2010, 13:16
and more for hte kiddiwinks -

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And this little piggy flipped his London flat and his constituency home eight times and used your money to pay for a new conservatory, a massive telly and a vibrating chair and then tried to stop you finding out about it,
All the way home.

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
And by the way, the chief medical officer says that amount of treacle is really, really bad for you and that although there is not actual evidence as such, excessive treacle eating is costing this country £14bn a day in lost productivity and exploding children so treacle dealers ought to be right down there among paedos, heroin dealers, members of legal political parties that he disapproves of and the other low life...

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 17, 2010, 14:07
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive ...

So I took her to a petrol station.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 17, 2010, 16:23
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive ...

So I took her to a petrol station.
:D :D :D :D :D
The trouble is though Trillium,it's true. Thats the sad thing.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on March 17, 2010, 18:35
There were 3 men stood on a hill, each with there own watch.

One chucked there watch down the hill and it broke, the second chuked his watch down the hill and it broke. The third man chucked his watch down the hill, walked to the bottom and caught it.

The other two men said "Blimey, how did you do that"

To which the third man replie "easy, my watch is 5 minutes slow"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: richyrich7 on March 17, 2010, 22:01
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the blooming emu?'


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 18, 2010, 00:33
 :lol: :lol:  Good one, Richy.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 18, 2010, 18:28
Like a lot of my jokes this one is running out of time to still be understood by a reasonable percentage of the population!   :(


An ex WW2 Polish air-ace is invited to talk to a group of 8 year-old schoolkids about his wartime experiences.

He was involved in the Battle of Britain and began to describe what happened one day high over the English Channel: "All of a sudden from out of the sun we saw these three fokkers..........."

A ripple of sniggers started to propagate itself around the classroom so the teacher thought she should intervene: "I think I should point out here that the "Fokker" was a type of aeroplane used by the Germans during the war".

She apologised to her guest for the interruption and asked him to continue.

"Well, these three fokkers in their Messerschmidts........"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 18, 2010, 18:44
Like a lot of my jokes this one is running out of time to still be understood by a reasonable percentage of the population!   :(


An ex WW2 Polish air-ace is invited to talk to a group of 8 year-old schoolkids about his wartime experiences.

He was involved in the Battle of Britain and began to describe what happened one day high over the English Channel: "All of a sudden from out of the sun we saw these three fokkers..........."

A ripple of sniggers started to propagate itself around the classroom so the teacher thought she should intervene: "I think I should point out here that the "Fokker" was a type of aeroplane used by the Germans during the war".

She apologised to her guest for the interruption and asked him to continue.

"Well, these three fokkers in their Messerschmidts........"

I'm not that old(ish) JayG but I like that one :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on March 18, 2010, 19:21
A little to close to the limit that one JayG  ::)

They have to be "genteel" enough for Aunty.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on March 19, 2010, 11:29
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead,
Now she takes the lamb to school
sliced between her bread.


Not meant to offend anybody - he didn't really shoot it - its just a laugh, Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 19, 2010, 11:38
I`m offended . :D

Mary had a little lamb
she tied it to a pylon
10,000 volts shot up its bum
and turned it`s wool to nylon.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on March 19, 2010, 12:17
Mary had a little bike,
she rode it on the grass,
and every time the wheels went 'round,
the spokes did whip her........
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 19, 2010, 14:55
Nice joke for Auntie (no norty words and not sexist either!)

Q: What's "E.T." short for?




A: Because he's only got little legs!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: HugglescoteGrower on March 19, 2010, 15:13
mary had a little bike
she road it back to front
and




sorry, just remembered the ending, best go no further
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 19, 2010, 15:14
mary had a little lamb
she also had some new potatoes,fresh garden peas and gravy :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 19, 2010, 15:22
One for MoreWhisky and Plum:

Mary had a litte lamb,
It had a touch of colic,
She fed it whisky every day,
And now it's alcoholic!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 19, 2010, 15:33
Mary had a little lamb
'Twas colourblind, and so
It couldn't tell the red from green,
And which was 'Stop' or 'Go'.
It followed her to school one day,
(A silly thing to do)
It tried to cross against the lights:
Wallop!  Mutton stew!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 19, 2010, 15:38
i dont use book marks,i just bend the bottom corner over,works better i think.

which is a turn up for the books
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 19, 2010, 16:10

A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND?

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.'

She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 19, 2010, 19:07
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
you lot!!!

 :nowink: :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on March 19, 2010, 19:15
Wait 'till argyllie sees it !!!   :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 20, 2010, 10:08
call it a hunch,but im pretty sure i have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Faz on March 20, 2010, 12:11
Somebody keeps breaking in to my allotment at night and tipping extra soil all over it.

The plot thickens.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 20, 2010, 12:15
Somebody keeps breaking in to my allotment at night and tipping extra soil all over it.

The plot thickens.....

we've had that one already.......but it is funny :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 20, 2010, 20:30
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

8. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

9. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

10. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "How many were girls?"

11. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

12. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

13. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

14. Q: "You were shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: peapod on March 20, 2010, 20:32
That made me laugh my head off! I love #10 #12 #13
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on March 21, 2010, 07:28
   

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were
excessively mischievous. They were always
getting into trouble and their   parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town,
the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher
in town had been successful in   disciplining children,   so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see
them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first,  in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open , but he
made no response, sitting there wide-eyed
with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the
room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the
closet, he asked, 'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath,
replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again:)

'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on March 21, 2010, 07:39
 :lol: :lol: love it
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: peapod on March 21, 2010, 09:32
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Great stuff!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 21, 2010, 10:28
After retiring a man went to a government office to apply for his pension.
The woman behind the desk asked for a drivers licence to verify his age.
The man then realised he had left his wallet at home and told the woman he was sorry but he would have to go home and return later but the woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."

He did as he was told, revealing a chest of curly silver hair.
The woman then said, "That silver hair is proof enough for me," and duly processed his application.

When he got home the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the government office.
Unimpressed his wife said, "You should have dropped your pants she might have given you a disability allowance too!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Rangerkris on March 21, 2010, 17:30
HHAHAHAHHAH thats a funny one Leaner
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 21, 2010, 19:35
im dyslexic and swindon was my idea
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 21, 2010, 20:02
I`m an agnostic, dyslectic , insomniac.

I lie awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 22, 2010, 01:17
I`m an agnostic, dyslectic , insomniac.

I lie awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

We've got a cat so I sleep well  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on March 22, 2010, 18:22
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under  your vehicle.
From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
 
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
 
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 22, 2010, 18:35
 :lol: :lol:

But I think most wives would recognise their husbands parts, and more importantly their shorts
because usually they are the ones to buy them  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on March 22, 2010, 18:46
And wash them and wash them and ...... :D :D

A little known fact :
The first cricket box was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could also be important.
 
(modified so I dont get modded!)


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 22, 2010, 22:13
And wash them and wash them and ...... :D :D

A little known fact :
The first cricket box was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could also be important.
 
(modified so I dont get modded!)


Unfortunately most men don't live as long as women - a hundred years is rarely achieved!

Nagged to death??
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 23, 2010, 07:46
An attorney
arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of
execution for his client, James Wright.  His last minute plea for
clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and
depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and
on…

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would
not be hanged that night. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must
have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.  They're not
hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T
YOU EVER STOP?!’

Read it quick before its modded!!
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 23, 2010, 19:23
 

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .....

Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair.'

Paddy says to his pal, 'Mick, look!


We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune.

Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay?


Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us.


I'll speak in my best English accent. '

'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' Says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'

'Well ..... yes,' says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d'y'know dat?

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 23, 2010, 19:42
"Johnnie."

"Yes, teacher."

"If there are twenty sheep in a field, and one gets out through a hole in the fence, how many sheep are left in the field?"

"None, teacher."

"Johnnie, there are still nineteen sheep left in the field. Obviously you don't know arithmetic."

"Sorry, teacher, but I do know arithmetic. Obviously you don't know sheep."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pol and mick on March 23, 2010, 20:22
There has been a report that a man has been seen around the local town centre  stabbing random people with a knitting kneedle,The police are on the case and believe his is following a pattern.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: UrbanG on March 23, 2010, 22:58
What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: peapod on March 24, 2010, 00:53
Like it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 24, 2010, 23:43


Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .....

Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair.'

Paddy says to his pal, 'Mick, look!


We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune.

Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay?


Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us.


I'll speak in my best English accent. '

'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' Says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'

'Well ..... yes,' says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d'y'know dat?

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'

The joke's great - :lol:  laughed a lot  :lol: - but Im not Irish..... I hope no one objects  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 25, 2010, 14:43
Headline: "Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 25, 2010, 15:33
my wifes a right darling,

she's got big eyebrows and keeps taking my beer and fag money off me.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 25, 2010, 20:34
sigmund freud walks into a bra....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 25, 2010, 20:40
silly fool!!

 ::) :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 25, 2010, 20:41
silly fool!!

 ::) :lol: :lol:

im bored plum ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 27, 2010, 02:43
Wit and wisdom from the military manuals and flight records:

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit. — Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

Aim towards the enemy. — Instruction printed on U.S. rocket launcher

When the pin is pulled Mr. Grenade is not our friend. — U.S. Marine Corps

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. — U.S. Air Force Manual

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. — General MacArthur

Five-second fuses only last three seconds. — Infantry Journal

If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush. —Infantry Journal

Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once. — Unknown

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?” and “Oh S...!”

If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.

Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 27, 2010, 06:41
love the last one :D excellent
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jai on March 27, 2010, 13:24
 There are 2 things you need to solve mechanical problems, WD40 and Gaffa tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD40. If it does move and shouldn't, use Gaffa tape. :wub:
 Oh, and if anyone cares, WD40 comes from ; Water disperser and it was the 40th attempt to get the formula right. :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 27, 2010, 16:11
Headline: "Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake."

That's horrible  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 27, 2010, 20:20
There are 2 things you need to solve mechanical problems, WD40 and Gaffa tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD40. If it does move and shouldn't, use Gaffa tape. :wub:
 Oh, and if anyone cares, WD40 comes from ; Water disperser and it was the 40th attempt to get the formula right. :blink:

And if all else fails, hit it with a hammer. The bigger, the more effective. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 27, 2010, 20:21
As in...... if you can't get it working smash it to pieces? ?  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 27, 2010, 20:23
If in doubt, give it a clout. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on March 27, 2010, 20:40
If in doubt, give it a clout. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Modern childrearing at it's best. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 27, 2010, 20:45
I completely agree Ice. It saves all nagging. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Janeymiddlewife on March 28, 2010, 11:05
If in doubt, give it a clout. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Modern childrearing at it's best. :lol:


I would but I've got tennis elbow  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 13:08
If in doubt, give it a clout. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Modern childrearing at it's best. :lol:


I would but I've got tennis elbow  :D
so its you making a raquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 28, 2010, 13:09
groan  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 28, 2010, 13:42
Dave don't string mum along

She doesn't de serve it
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 28, 2010, 13:56
You are all talking a load of tennis balls
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 28, 2010, 14:36
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

service with a smile
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 14:37
15-30 to MoS :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 28, 2010, 15:48
15-30 to MoS :D :D

That's way out of line, I think I have the advantage ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 28, 2010, 17:57
you cannot be SERIOUS!
Nige, has mum given you a backhander? :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 28, 2010, 18:03
Quote
Nige, has mum given you a backhander?

no he has just defaulted ::) Or is he chewing a murray mint :unsure:

Is it time for tie-break...oops sorry tea-break.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 19:12
you cannot be SERIOUS!
Nige, has mum given you a backhander? :nowink:
It felt more like a Ace :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 19:19
Quote
Nige, has mum given you a backhander?

no he has just defaulted ::) Or is he chewing a murray mint :unsure:

Is it time for tie-break...oops sorry tea-break.
The too good to hurry mint and match point. I'll be Becker later :( :( :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 19:43
dont give them the tennis elbow nige ::),give them stich :D or better still demand cash :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 20:17
dont give them the tennis elbow nige ::),give them stich :D or better still demand cash :nowink:
Evening Dave I'll have to double fault on that one I carn't think of a decent return :( :( :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 20:18
a punk sits down on a bench next to an old man reading his paper,after a while the old man looks up and stares at his multicoloured mohawk for about 5 minutes.

the punk says "whats a matter old man,never done anything interesting in your life"?

to which the old man replies "yes i once got drunk and had sex with a parrot and was wondering if you were my son".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 20:19
dont give them the tennis elbow nige ::),give them stich :D or better still demand cash :nowink:
Evening Dave I'll have to double fault on that one I carn't think of a decent return :( :( :D

evening nige ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 20:21
dont give them the tennis elbow nige ::),give them stich :D or better still demand cash :nowink:
Evening Dave I'll have to double fault on that one I carn't think of a decent return :( :( :D

evening nige ;)
I say my dogs got no nose.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 20:23
how does he smell?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on March 28, 2010, 20:24
Two Irishmen walk into a jobcentre and see an ad saying Tree fellers wanted"  Paddy turns to his mate and says "Sure, 'tis a pity there's only the two of us"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 20:26
how does he smell?
Awful :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 20:28
how does he smell?
Awful :D :D :D
do you reckon we should be on the stage? the next one out of town :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 20:43
how does he smell?
Awful :D :D :D
do you reckon we should be on the stage? the next one out of town :D
I say my wife's going to Jamacia?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 20:50
for the rastafarian old holburn :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 28, 2010, 20:54
how does he smell?
Awful :D :D :D
do you reckon we should be on the stage? the next one out of town :D
I say my wife's going to Jamacia?

Shouldn`t that be. " My wife`s going to the Caribbean". Answer " Jamaica "? Response "No she wanted to go "? :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 20:57
whatever the case i would'nt go on the cruise ships,they seem to be rife with the two bob bits at the moment :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 20:58
for the rastafarian old holburn :D
Very funny  :D :D :D
Did you hear about the Two seater plane thet crashed into a Cemetery?
So far they have recovered 45 bodies.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 21:01
how does he smell?
Awful :D :D :D
do you reckon we should be on the stage? the next one out of town :D
I say my wife's going to Jamacia?

Shouldn`t that be. " My wife`s going to the Caribbean". Answer " Jamaica "? Response "No she wanted to go "? :lol: :lol: :lol:
Your right DavidT I mucked that one up :ohmy: :ohmy: :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 21:16
today,my large wild cat was feeling insecure about his spots.he claimed that they made him self-conscious amongst his lion and tiger friends.
i told him his differences were what made him beautiful and that he had reason to be proud of his appearance.

                                       assured is my leopard

                                      (happy psalm pun-day)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Loubs on March 28, 2010, 21:17
Did you hear on the news about the lorry-load of tortoises crashing into the van-load of terrapins? It was a turtle disaster.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 28, 2010, 21:45
There was a crash on the M4 today between a lorry load of sugar and a lorry load of strawberries. What a jam it caused.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 29, 2010, 00:35
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .....
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair.'

Paddy says to his pal, 'Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent. '

'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will,' says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'

'Well ..... yes,' says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d'y'know dat?

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on March 29, 2010, 08:57
Will you tell Learner, or should I? ::) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on March 29, 2010, 09:02
I will  :)

Ice is Irish and she probably didn't find that funny.  In fact she's on to her solicitor right now  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on March 29, 2010, 09:29
No, silly, the jokes already been posted. :lol:  I've enough problems with suing myself for the Irish joke I posted.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on March 29, 2010, 09:40
D'oh  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 29, 2010, 10:17
Mrs Hamstergbert reckoned that I paid no attention to her, didn't bother finding out what she liked or disliked, the usual girly touchy-feely nonsense stuff like that.
Of course I denied it (well, you have to, dontcha) and challenged her to give me even one example of me not knowing something that is important to her.
She thought for a minute then said, "OK, if you know me - really know me - what is my favourite flower?"
"Easy peasy" I replied, quick as a moderately quick flash.  "Homepride, isn't it!"
Got an impressive right hook on her for a slim woman.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 29, 2010, 15:14
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 29, 2010, 17:28
No, silly, the jokes already been posted. :lol:  I've enough problems with suing myself for the Irish joke I posted.

My sincere apologies... no offence was intended - it was a "joke" received from a friend and I should have known better especially as I emailed back to question whether or not it might offend others... but (take out the specific cultural references) I think it was funny... replace Irish with "a pair of lads from Lagness"...  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on March 29, 2010, 17:32
Ahh, niver wory, t'is ok so  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 29, 2010, 17:39
Ahh, niver wory, t'is ok so  :D

Fanks verwy much miss - sorry..  :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on March 29, 2010, 17:55
My grandma told me this one the other day:

When she was younger her and her mates would have been able to go down to the local shop with only a shilling and get 5 bags of crisps, dozens of sweets, lots of pop and basiclay lots of sugar. However you cant do that know adays, stupid CCTV cameras  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on March 29, 2010, 18:04
Nice one Jamie. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 29, 2010, 18:07
My grandma told me this one the other day:

When she was younger her and her mates would have been able to go down to the local shop with only a shilling and get 5 bags of crisps, dozens of sweets, lots of pop and basiclay lots of sugar. However you cant do that know adays, stupid CCTV cameras  :lol:

You'd end up with an Antisocial Behaviour Contract, a personal Caseworker and trips to the local McPlace for burgers and outings galore  :ohmy:

It is so fair on those kids who behave well - not  >:(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 29, 2010, 18:19
when i die i want to go off peacefully in my sleep like my grandad did.......not sreaming like his passengers
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on March 29, 2010, 19:05
when i die i want to go off peacefully in my sleep like my grandad did.......not sreaming like his passengers

 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pumpkinpatch on March 29, 2010, 19:35
Just a cheesy joke that my mate told me
What do you call a Spanish man thats lost his car ...

Carloss  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 29, 2010, 19:40
what do you call a spanish doctor?.....manuel
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 29, 2010, 20:11
i have just been out and painted a blue square in my garden,to trick people who are veiwing google earth that i have a swimming pool
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 29, 2010, 20:22
when i die i want to go off peacefully in my sleep like my grandad did.......not sreaming like his passengers

Dave, have you been reading the little print at the bottom of my posts. :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 29, 2010, 20:25
no i was on a website and see it,very sorry ::) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 29, 2010, 20:56
No!! you don't look sorry enough to me, I want to see more!! lol  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 29, 2010, 21:01
Two new airplane pilots make their first passenger flight landing. "crikey" says the first one "Thats a narrow runway" The second pilot replies " Yes but look at the width of it!!!!!!!!!!!"" :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 29, 2010, 22:01
Two new airplane pilots make their first passenger flight landing. "crikey" says the first one "Thats a narrow runway" The second pilot replies " Yes but look at the width of it!!!!!!!!!!!"" :D :D

Nige, should that have red "That's a short runway"

Mark :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 30, 2010, 08:15
500 years ago when men went to war they used to force their wives to wear a chastity belt.therefore,while they were away,the only person who could open these was a locksmith.which i suppose would explain why smith is the most common name in the phone book.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 30, 2010, 10:23
how do you know when a women is about to say something smart?...........when she starts the sentence with the words...a man once told me.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 30, 2010, 11:13
 :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: to you Dave who is spread
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 30, 2010, 12:00
Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking too much."



Patient: "OK, I'll come back when you're sober then!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 30, 2010, 18:01
Two new airplane pilots make their first passenger flight landing. "crikey" says the first one "Thats a narrow runway" The second pilot replies " Yes but look at the width of it!!!!!!!!!!!"" :D :D

Nige, should that have red "That's a short runway"

Mark :tongue2:
O dear I did not have a good day for joke telling :ohmy: :ohmy: Thank you Mark for putting me right :( :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 30, 2010, 18:07
A man in a hot air balloon,realising he was lost,reduced altitude and spotted a women below.he descended further and shouted to the lady "excuse me,can you help me? i promised a friend i would meet him an hour ago,but i dont know where i am."

"You are in a hot air balloon,hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground,you are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," says the balloonist."actually i am" replied the women,"how did you know."
"well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct,but i've no idea what to make of your information,and the fact is im still lost.Frankly,you've not been much help at all,if anything you have delayed my trip."

the women below responded, "you must be in management." "I am,"replied the balloonist,"but how did you know?"

"Well,"said the women, "you dont know where you are or where your going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.You made a promise,which you have no idea how to keep,and expect people beneath you to solve your problems.The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,but now,somehow,its my dam fault."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 30, 2010, 22:34
An Aussie Joke

A Northern Territory (Oz) farm hand (An Aboriginal)
 radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute
 (For Americans read 'Pick up truck').
 
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is
 wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'
 
The manager says,'Ok, there's a .303 Rifle behind the seat.
 Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'
 
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss.
 Took the .303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bullbars

 'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.
 'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck
 under the right-front wheel arch.'
 '.......................................................... You there
 Boss? :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 31, 2010, 01:08
I loved the Aussie joke  :lol: Forwarded it to a Headmaster I know!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Loubs on March 31, 2010, 07:35
Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door.

As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree"
...
...
...

"ees... a....Ham bush"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 31, 2010, 08:24


A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie ?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

 The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman,  now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,  please barman'.  The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,  please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

 The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,  'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it ?'

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'.

'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'.

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves ....

..... NEVER TO RETURN !!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you ?'

To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'.

The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,  masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'.

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'.

The barman said  'You never came back, what happened ?'

'I DIED', said the Rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman, 'what from ?'

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

'Mixin'-me-toasties '
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 31, 2010, 08:59
 ::) ::) ::) Brilliant!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 31, 2010, 10:07
They laughed when i said i was going to be a comedian,well they're not laughing now.

                                   *                            *                            *
What do gardeners do when they retire?
                                   *                            *                            *
Where do the homeless have 90% of their accidents?
                                   *                            *                            *
When the invevtor of the drawingboard messed things up,what did he go back to?
                                   *                            *                            *
I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve,how do you get that out?
                                   *                            *                            *
The last time i was in turkey i got through five jeffrey archer novels.i must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on March 31, 2010, 10:47
You have all been keeping me giggling - so I better contribute!  (PS  designed to insult all nations so no-one can take offense!   :D)

The English  are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised  their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels  may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have  not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran  out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "*  Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "* Nuisance" warning level  was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The  Scots raised their threat level from "Peedd Off" to "Let's Get the *".  They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on  the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.  

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its  terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France  are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire  that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing  the  country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are  on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from  "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more  levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."  

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful  Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two  higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the  other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried  about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all  excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully  designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good  look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying  out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.  

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

And in the  southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security  levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the  air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the  navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one  more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".  

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No  worries" to "She'll be al'right, mate." Three more escalation levels remain:  "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The  barbie is cancelled". So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final  escalation level.

OOps - sorry Mum!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 31, 2010, 19:41
For the lovers of art......

THE FAMILY TREE OF Vincent Van Gogh !!

His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------ ----------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ------------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia - ----------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ----------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican Cousin---------------------------------------- A Me Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------------Wells Far-Gogh
The constipated uncle -------------------------------------Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Fla Ming Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ----------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking-------------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco --------------------------------- Go Gogh

AND....

His niece who travels the country in an RV ------------Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling ------------------------------------------There ya Gogh
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 31, 2010, 22:18
 :lol: :lol: :lol: excellent learner :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on April 01, 2010, 05:54
 :lol: :lol: learner that is so funny  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 01, 2010, 16:20
A women went to her doctor for a follow up visit after the doctor prescribed testosterone for her.
she was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing."doctor,the hormones you have been giving me have really helped,but im worried your giving me too much.ive started growing hair in places that ive never grown hair before."

the doctor reassured her,"a little haitgrowth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone,just where has the hair appeared?"

"on my testicles,which is something else i needed to talk to you about."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MoreWhisky on April 01, 2010, 18:33
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_pte2XO66Nwg/SDXCZ4YGfnI/AAAAAAAABWs/hnXXf7cXSIQ/s400/pepsi_vs_coca_cola.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on April 01, 2010, 18:42
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_pte2XO66Nwg/SDXCZ4YGfnI/AAAAAAAABWs/hnXXf7cXSIQ/s400/pepsi_vs_coca_cola.jpg)

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 01, 2010, 18:51
They should be Canned up for that :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 01, 2010, 21:52
Personally I thought it was a bit of a candid picture!!  :blink:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pumpkinpatch on April 01, 2010, 23:45
Iv just lost my job at pepsi... they found traces of coke on me   ::) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 02, 2010, 19:19
I reckon An Identity parade might be required :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 02, 2010, 20:16
do you reckon they might get charged with in-fanta-cide or did he just "pop" his clogs :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on April 02, 2010, 23:39
A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.

A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"

The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."

And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'

"What's it say?" asks the bartender.

The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on April 03, 2010, 07:17
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 03, 2010, 07:20
LMAO...soooo funny :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 03, 2010, 15:44
Not so funny but interesting (?)

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty  uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig  to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.   Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and you awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

 ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 03, 2010, 15:49
It was clear except for 1 word Learner.

It took me ages to work out what aulacity actually was :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 03, 2010, 15:56
It was clear except for 1 word Learner.

It took me ages to work out what aulacity actually was :lol: :lol:

I agree with you on that one  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on April 04, 2010, 09:47
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital..

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on April 04, 2010, 10:05
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 04, 2010, 18:44
they have now realised why manchester united done so badly against bayern and chelsea,they told ji-sung park to occupy the flanks,and he spent the two games following ribery and lampard.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yabba on April 04, 2010, 20:42
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

¥
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on April 04, 2010, 22:02
My neighbour has recently suffered 50 concussions, in fact hes only a stones throw away
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Rangerkris on April 05, 2010, 07:21
HAHAHAHAH yabba.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 05, 2010, 15:38
heather mills nanny has accused her of being unstable..paul mcCartney said in an earlier statement he used to find a couple of beer mats done the trick.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on April 05, 2010, 15:41
heather mills nanny has accused her of being unstable..paul mcCartney said in an earlier statement he used to find a couple of beer mats done the trick.

Like it!  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 05, 2010, 15:53
the burnley fan caught on camera punching the wall as he left when manchester city scored 3 goals in 7 minutes.had to go to hospital for an x-ray,they found he had fractured all six fingers on the right hand.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 05, 2010, 17:17
 :lol: :lol: ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 06, 2010, 08:08
who is the nicest man working at the hospital?......the ultrasound guy

and who is the nicest bloke when he is not there......the hip replacement guy.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 06, 2010, 08:46
groan.......................... :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 06, 2010, 09:22
groan.......................... :nowink:

what, again? :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 06, 2010, 17:42
Yup  :lol: :tongue2:

There are many jokes that make me LOL but these kind just make me  tht ::)

Sorry  :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 06, 2010, 17:44
 ??? non comprendo
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 06, 2010, 18:04
??? non comprendo

think happy thoughts plum ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 06, 2010, 18:23
Yup  :lol: :tongue2:

There are many jokes that make me LOL but these kind just make me  tht ::)

Sorry  :blush:
did you hear about the drunk dung beetle,who fell off his stool?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 06, 2010, 19:17
see................there's another one  :tongue2:  :lol:  ::)
They remind me of Christmas cracker jokes!


It really can't just be me ...........................................................can it :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on April 06, 2010, 19:41
 :D The dung beetle one was a cracker. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 06, 2010, 20:44
see................there's another one  :tongue2:  :lol:  ::)
They remind me of Christmas cracker jokes!


It really can't just be me ...........................................................can it :unsure:

 MoS I think Dave is funny  :ohmy: :ohmy: :mellow: :mellow: :blush: :blush: ??? ???
 Dave thats a Fiver you owe me  ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 06, 2010, 21:45
now that was funny  :tongue2:  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 06, 2010, 22:05
seeing him collecting it will be funnier :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 06, 2010, 22:52
the planes cabin was being served by an obviously gayflight attendant,who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
he came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and lady seated beside him,"captain marvey has asked me to announce thathe'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,lovely people,so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
on his trip back up the aisle he notices a women had'nt moved a muscle "perhaps you did'nt hear me over them big brute engines.i asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the man canpitty-pat us on the ground."
she calmly turned her head and said,"in my country i am called a princess.i take orders from no one!"
"well,sweet cheeks,in my country im called a queen so i out rank you,put up the tray!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 06, 2010, 23:36
 :lol: :lol:

but 4:1 Davy boy?   :( :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 07, 2010, 16:38
:lol: :lol:

but 4:1 Davy boy?   :( :(
i know plum
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 07, 2010, 17:34
a politician was seated next to a little gitl on a airplane leaving for america when he turned to her and said-"lets talk,ive heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
the little girl,who had just opened her book,closed it slowly and said"what would you like to talk about?"
"oh i dont know," said the politician."how about global warming,"and smiles smugly.
"ok,"she said "that could be an interesting topic..but let me ask you a question first.a horse,a cow and a deer all eat grass,yet a deer excretes little pellets,while the cow turns out a flat patty,and the horse clumps of dried grass can you explain why?"
the politician,visibly surprised by the girls intelligence,thinks about it and says,"hmmm,ive no idea."
to which the girl replies,"do you really feel qualified to talk about global warming,when you dont know s*** ?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 07, 2010, 19:06
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 19:55
If Albert Einstein`s parents had had a sense of humour they would have named their son Frank.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 19:57
If Max Wall`s parents had had a sense of humour they would have named their son Walter. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 20:01
David and Victoria Beckham named their first son Brooklyn, after the place he was conceived. So why wasn`t the second boy named Peckham? :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 07, 2010, 20:09
Not bad DavidT keep them coming. :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 20:12
I`ve run out of impetus, for now. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 07, 2010, 20:15
pretty damn good though!! Wish I could think of some good 'uns! :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 20:32
Plum, you are Welsh, you can do it if you really try. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 07, 2010, 20:34
Horse goes into a bar
Barman asks, why the long face?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 07, 2010, 20:37
Plum, you are Welsh, you can do it if you really try. :lol:

I feel a song coming on.................'you can do it if you really want. ...just try, try and try,
try and try,........... you'll succeed at last'
 :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 20:43
Desmond Decker and the  Aces. You Can Get It. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 07, 2010, 20:46
 :lol: I bet that confused a good few people. ::)  8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 21:05
I was into reggae/ska in the late 60`s early 70`s. Judge Dread especially. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 07, 2010, 23:19
Perhaps this one is more suited to a mixed age range audience?


Chap wanders into a pub and the barman says, “Excuse me sir did you know you have a lizard on your shoulder?”
Chap replies, “Yes, I did. It’s my pet.”
"Very small isn’t it?” remarked the barman.
“Yep,” replied the chap, “it’s my newt!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on April 07, 2010, 23:30
 :D :D :D :D :D
An oldie but a goodie
Hee hee
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 08, 2010, 00:01
:D :D :D :D :D
An oldie but a goodie
Hee hee

It's about the only one I can remember!!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 08, 2010, 14:38
The door of the music shop swings open and a little mouse wearing a tiny print dress and a straw bonnet scuttles up to the counter.  The shopkeeper stares at it, then blinks in astonishment as the mouse, in a squeaky voice, says "Can I have a B-flat chromatic mouse organ, please?"
The shopkeeper blinks again, astonished, but commercialism takes charge and soon the cash register chings and the mouse scuttles off with its purchase in a brown paper bag.
The shopkeeper shakes his head in bemusement.  "Now I've seen everything!"
That afternoon the door of the music shop swings open again and another little mouse, (this time wearing a miniscule pair of levis and adidas teeshirt) scuttles up to the counter.  The shopkeeper smiles at it and says, "can I help you?"
The mouse says, "I'm looking for an F-sharp chromatic mouse organ please".
The shopkeeper nods.  "No problem!" and as he turns to take the requested instrument from the rack he says, "Do you know, there was another mouse in here this very morning, also looking for a mouse organ!"
The mouse thinks for a moment, then nods.  "Oh, that was probably our Monica..."

I'll get me coat.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 08, 2010, 16:07
two bits of tarmac in a pub talking at the bar,one says to the other do you no what im the hardest bit of tarmac around m25 me mate,1 million cars an hour run over my back,no they dont come much tougher than me.
the other one says im m1 tarmac me although i dont like to brag, 2 million cars an hour over me.
with that the m25 tarmac dives under a table as a red piece of tarmac comes in to get some change from the barman, when he leaves,the tarmac under the table says,has he gone yet,so the m1 tarmac says you really are tough are'nt you as soon as that red tarmac came in you hid under the table.
so the m25 tarmac says yeah but thats red tarmac,you dont mess with him,hes a cyclepath.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 08, 2010, 18:34
Dave, you are getting worse. :lol: :lol: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 08, 2010, 18:38
I was going to write about the name Simon Cowells parents should have given him had they had a sense of humour, but I decided to keep it clean. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 08, 2010, 18:46
wise decision DavidT, beware Aunty's BRB  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 08, 2010, 18:50
I've already had to edit a few jokes and delete some  ::)

If this joke thread causes me too much work I'll remove it  :)

You have been warned...  MwaaaaHaaaaaHaaaaa  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 08, 2010, 20:27
Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 08, 2010, 20:39
Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Quick everyone get behind the sofa.  When Aunty sees this it won't be a pretty sight.  (http://bestsmileys.com/peeping/5.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 08, 2010, 20:47
I`m not afraid. :tongue2: I see you`ve been in South Wales recently Ice. 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 08, 2010, 20:54
I`m not afraid. :tongue2: I see you`ve been in South Wales recently Ice. 8)
Oh no, no no. :ohmy:  I don't have a passport. 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on April 08, 2010, 20:55
There goes a very brave man!!!!! :ohmy:

I hope it's not too cold on the step for you tonight Dave  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 08, 2010, 20:57
I`m not afraid, I`ll post proof tomorrow. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on April 08, 2010, 22:07
Hope this doesn't put me on the naughty step
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind, but, if you'll drop it on the counter,  I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line.  It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.  "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally *. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had *.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50  please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44? How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: richyrich7 on April 08, 2010, 22:10
 :lol: that's a cracker
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on April 08, 2010, 23:27
I've already had to edit a few jokes and delete some  ::)

If this joke thread causes me too much work I'll remove it  :)

You have been warned...  MwaaaaHaaaaaHaaaaa  :ohmy:



It is alas very long since I passed forty,
An excuse, I hope, for my jokes being so norty.
Aunt Sally's not doolally, so please give her credit:
It's part of her job, such rudeness to edit.

Delete your expletives, keep your privates well hidden.
(We all must remember to do as we're bidden.)
As to what Sal's deleted, I really can't say,
(Have trouble recalling beyond yesterday!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 08, 2010, 23:47
Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  :lol: :lol: :lol:

You may call me Aunt Sally or Aunty  >:(

Aunty is never funny  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 09, 2010, 08:29
 :ohmy: I can't believe he tried to be so familiar with Aunty!  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: richyrich7 on April 09, 2010, 13:16
I think that's enough to be honest, let's not pull Aunyt's leg any longer. I personally hold her in great regard, anyone that really knows her would.
So enough.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on April 09, 2010, 13:39
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.....  She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"  The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know.  I'll come up and see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"  The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters..  She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."  She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 09, 2010, 14:44
That's brilliant Glosterboy!!  :lol:


If only I could remember what it was about   :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on April 09, 2010, 15:05
What what was about?!  :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on April 09, 2010, 15:20
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on April 09, 2010, 17:28
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."  And the third man chimed in, "So am I...  Let's have a beer."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 09, 2010, 19:27
The hair cut

 One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was  pleased and left the shop.

 When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..

 Later, a  baker comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his  bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm  doing community service this week.' The baker is happy and leaves the  shop.

 The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank  you' card and a dozen still warm fresh, crusty rolls waiting for him at his door.

 Later that day, a bookseller comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept  money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The bookseller  is very happy and leaves the shop.

 The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

 Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from  you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament  is very happy and leaves the shop.

 The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on April 09, 2010, 19:32
That would be hilarious if it wasn't so true  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 09, 2010, 20:00
Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  :lol: :lol: :lol:

You may call me Aunt Sally or Aunty  >:(

Aunty is never funny  ::)


Una Stubbs was funny when she was you. :( :( :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 09, 2010, 20:12
Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  :lol: :lol: :lol:

You may call me Aunt Sally or Aunty  >:(

Aunty is never funny  ::)

Una Stubbs was funny when she was you. :( :( :unsure:
Give us a clue then ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on April 09, 2010, 20:45
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
      The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light."  After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was again red  and again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.  So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"   
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 09, 2010, 23:14
Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  :lol: :lol: :lol:

You may call me Aunt Sally or Aunty  >:(

Aunty is never funny  ::)


Una Stubbs was funny when she was you. :( :( :unsure:

She was acting David, very inaccurately  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on April 10, 2010, 08:51
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair

Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 10, 2010, 10:59
Hector was out for a first date with Julia.  Picked her up in his bright red Capri and headed off down the A65.

As they approached a set of traffic lights that were gleaming a warming red, Hector made no attempt to brake at all but simply drove straight through.  Julia, face a little ashen, turned to him and said, "Did you not see it?  You just went straight through a red light!"
Hector smiled at her.  "Ah, my brother George always does that!"

Julia composed herself - with a struggle - and settled down, but found herself tensing as they approached another traffic light in a fetching shade of cherry-red.  In increasing terror she barely managed to croak the start of a warning before Hector again drove straight through.   Her face now homepride-white, Julia disentangled her broken nails from what remained of the dashboard and screeched at him, "You did it again!  You went straight through ANOTHER red light!"
Hector laughed.  "Told you, my brother George always soes that!"

Julia did lots of deep breathing and eventually managed to get her pulse rate below 200, and forced herself to try and relax, after carefully checking aht her seat belt was definitely properly fastened.

As they drove on, she saw another red traffic light in the distance and felt the panic start to rise, but as they got nearer the amber joined the red and switched over to the welcome green.  To her utter amazement, Hector stamped onto his brake and the car screeched to a halt inches from the junction line.

Julia straightened up, easing the seatbelt from where it was cutting into her as the result of their sudden stop and yelled, "That was a green light and you screech to a halt!"
Hector shrugged.  "My brother George might be coming the other way."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 10, 2010, 20:53
Sorry your Highness Aunt Sally, Queen of the Aunties, I am your grovelling servant.  I am not worthy of your forgiveness. Please accept my most humble apologies in being so presumptious. :) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 10, 2010, 20:54
 :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 10, 2010, 20:59
Your card is definately marked DavidT. :closedeyes:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 10, 2010, 21:09
What have I done now? I can`t help having a bad cough. :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 10, 2010, 23:13
Oh dear...  Some people are fools to themselves Ice ::)

They always lose in the end  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 11, 2010, 20:01
Who, meee? :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 11, 2010, 20:03
Who, meee? :ohmy:
Yes, yooo. :closedeyes:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 11, 2010, 20:04

Your name is in the book  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 11, 2010, 21:25
I`ve been booked? Great, when do I appear? Is it the Palladium? How much do I get? :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on April 11, 2010, 21:39
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high
and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in
front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here, rub it." So the bartender
rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a puff of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ... each person is only allowed one!" says the genie. The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on April 13, 2010, 09:45
sorry to bring you all down, but my doctor says I may have convex curviture of the upper spine...










it's just a hunch !  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 13, 2010, 10:03
one for the ladies:

once upon a time a female brain cell,by mistake,ended up in a mans head.......

she looked around nervously,because it was so empty and quiet.

"hello?",she cried,but there was no answer....

"is anyone here?"still no answer now the female brain cell started to feel realy scared.

"HELLO!!! IS ANYONE HERE???"

and finally,she hears a feint voice from far,far away.

"were down here"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 13, 2010, 11:18
sounds about right that  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gypsy on April 13, 2010, 12:23
My neighbour put a sign on his gate yesterday, it reads, Trespassers will be composted.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on April 13, 2010, 12:59
An older couple were lying in bed one night.  The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.  She said:  "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."  Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.  A few moments later she said:  "Then you used to kiss me."  Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep..
   Thirty seconds later she said:  "Then you used to bite my Neck."  Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on April 13, 2010, 17:18
My neighbour put a sign on his gate yesterday, it reads, Trespassers will be composted.
Love it.  Must make one!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: violetpato on April 14, 2010, 00:14
husband and wife go past a field of cows, and pigs, the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: catllar on April 14, 2010, 16:23
Man at the doctors: I think my wife is going deaf but I don't want to offend her by asking outright - got any ideas? Dr. replies:" Stand 40ft away and ask a question. If she doesn't answer move 30 ft and repeat it, then 20ft and repeat it, then 10 ft and then right up to her and repeat it" Man goes home and starts  at 40ft with "What is for supper dear?" No answer, 30ft, no answer.  20ft, no answer. 10ft, no answer. Nose to nose "What is for supper dear?" Wife answers: "For the fifth bl...y time, liver and onions!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on April 14, 2010, 18:38
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"  An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"  Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 14, 2010, 19:19
a guy who worked for the post office,whose job it was to sort all the mail with illegible addresses.
one day,a letter came with shaky handwritting addressed to god with no actual address.so he thought he should open it to see what it was about.
the letter read;

dear god,

i am an 83 year old widow, living on a small pension.

yesterday someone stole my purse,it had £100 in it,which was all the money i had until my next pension payment.

next sunday is Christmas,and i had invited two of my friends over for dinner.without that money,i have nothing to buy food with,i have no family to turn to,and you are my only hope.can you please help me?

sincerely edna.

the postal worker was touched.he showed the letter to all the other workers.each one dug into his or her wallet,and came up with a few pounds.
by the time he had made the rounds, they had came up with £96,which he put in an envelope and sent to the old women.

Christmas came and went.

then a few days later,another lettter came for god from the same old lady.

all the workers gathered round as the letter was opened.

it read;

dear god,

how can i ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

because of your gift of love,i was able to fix a beautiful dinner for my friends.we had a very nice day,and i told my friends of your wonderful gift.

by the way,there was £4 missing

must have been one of those thieving b*****ds down at the post office.

sincerely edna.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 15, 2010, 19:05
[A bit long winded!]  ;)

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on April 16, 2010, 08:19
A teacher asked her class how many of them were fans of Gordon Brown.
Not really knowing what a Gordon Brown fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different…again?
Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not a Gordon Brown fan.’
The teacher asked, ‘Why aren’t you a Gordon Brown fan?’
Johnny said, ‘Because I’m a Nationalist.’
The teacher asked him why he’s a Nationalist.
Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mum’s a BNPer and my Dad’s a BNPer, so I’m a Nationalist.’
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would you be then?’
Little Johnny replied, ‘A Gordon Brown fan.’
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 16, 2010, 09:44
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: catllar on April 16, 2010, 12:51
85 year old lady in the retirement home comes into the lounge and calls out " If any of you men can guess my exact age I'll give you super sex. !  George thinks a minute then says "I'll have the soup please".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on April 16, 2010, 15:32
 Cannibals
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.
 "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the
welcoming briefing.
 "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
 something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
 The cannibals promised they would not
 Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
 Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook
their heads no.
 After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others,  "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
 A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
 continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and
no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone
 important!"
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on April 17, 2010, 22:10
Real exuse for speeding:

"Your right officer, I should have known better than speeding down this road, after I run over a woman on it last week"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 18, 2010, 07:39
i walked out of my door this morning,and all of a sudden a lasagne hit me on the head, followed by a black forest gateau and a pizza.
i thought this is obviously fallout from iceland.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 18, 2010, 08:24
i walked out of my door this morning,and all of a sudden a lasagne hit me on the head, followed by a black forest gateau and a pizza.
i thought this is obviously fallout from iceland.
Thats topical Dave. I like it :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 18, 2010, 19:08
i remember reading somewhere a speedcop pulls a youngster over for speeding and said,"ive been waiting here all day for you," to which the younster replied,"well i got here as soon as i could." apparently the copper laughed so much that he let him off with a caution.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Faz on April 19, 2010, 08:47
i walked out of my door this morning,and all of a sudden a lasagne hit me on the head, followed by a black forest gateau and a pizza.
i thought this is obviously fallout from iceland.

I like this one - reminds me of a similar joke which has the punchline "Buffet the vampire slayer"  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on April 19, 2010, 17:21
first Iceland goes bankrupt, then tries to set itself on fire...

anyone else see an insurance claim coming?  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 19, 2010, 17:23
and it's got to sell the worst rubbish frozen food in the world! (Hmm, how many ways can we repackage fat/sugar combinations?)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 19, 2010, 17:45
and it's got to sell the worst rubbish frozen food in the world! (Hmm, how many ways can we repackage fat/sugar combinations?)

here's one way :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 19, 2010, 22:49
 ::) :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: unconcerned on April 20, 2010, 11:46
I couldn't find the 'What the hell did they think they were doing thread, so here goes:
q7OGUAQSYQ4
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 20, 2010, 13:44
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism,
it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show
you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11.  A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted
in Linoleum Blownapart.

12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

14. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

15. A calendar's days are numbered.

16. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint
mine.

17. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

18. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

20. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small
medium at large.

21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.

22. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

23. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

24. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought
she'd dye.

25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

28. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de
feet.

29. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

30. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

31. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

32. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.

33. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited
for littering.

34. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie..

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

36. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep
off the Grass.'

37. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
now a seasoned veteran.

38. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on April 20, 2010, 14:00
 :lol: :lol:, have now copied this and forwarded it on  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 20, 2010, 15:53
Very clever  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 20, 2010, 16:31
I've got loads of things like this but this one I haven't seen before.  A lot of my others have been around and around.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on April 20, 2010, 21:32
I used to buy a ticket for the lottery every week, but then I found out you could watch it for free on the television.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 20, 2010, 21:35
I used to buy a ticket for the lottery every week, but then I found out you could watch it for free on the television.
::) :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 20, 2010, 22:27
26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17.  If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18.  A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Harvey Nichols or harrods.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 21, 2010, 21:24
O dear I cannot wait to see the Fallout from this one :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 21, 2010, 21:26
O dear I cannot wait to see the Fallout from this one :ohmy: :ohmy:

Why's that dear ?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 21, 2010, 21:38
O dear I cannot wait to see the Fallout from this one :ohmy: :ohmy:

Why's that dear ?
I've seen DavetheSpread have his knuckles rapped for similar Ladies jokes Aunt Sally:ohmy: :D.
You all gang up and belittle us poor chaps :ohmy: :ohmy: :( :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 21, 2010, 21:43
Oh, I thought it was a joke about dogs  :blink:

I'll remove it if you don't like it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 21, 2010, 21:48
No No please don't I think its funny And slightly True :ohmy: ;) Do i need to go into hiding now Aunty? ::) ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 21, 2010, 21:58
I'd make myself scarce while the goings good  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 21, 2010, 22:02
I'd make myself scarce while the goings good  :D
Thanks MoS I'm off to read the book I'm currently reading :( :( ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 22, 2010, 08:00
i think its very funny and very true,i mean,you lock your wife and your dog in the boot of the car,let them out an hour later,who is happy to see you?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on April 22, 2010, 08:13
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on April 22, 2010, 08:34
that is so funny - I know quite a few people with real broad yorkshire accents and could just imagine them having this conversation  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 22, 2010, 16:39
this lad was staying with his nan and said to her,"hey nan have you seen my pills they are marked LSD."
she said,"b****r the pills boy,go look in the kitchen theres dragons in there."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 23, 2010, 19:35
Why did the mexican throw his wife off a cliff?





TEQUILA  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on April 24, 2010, 20:03
DRING... DRING.... DRING...DRING

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi Darling.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mummy near the phone?'**

*'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But Darling, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy,**
Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Oh, okay then, this is what I want you to do..**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, Darling?' **
Well, Mummy got all Flustered, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, her nose is bleeding and her eyes are open staring and now she isn't moving at all!'

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

He looked real scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it.
**He hit the bottom of the pool and there's all blood coming from his mouth and ears and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 01786 561895?'*
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on April 24, 2010, 20:03
One day, in line at the works cafe, Jack says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
And the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
Better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
Activity... It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
From his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
Happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins.. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
Get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Faz on April 25, 2010, 07:32
Here's a few :)

· I'm not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive wife.

· I've spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero and it has amounted to nothing.

· BBC News 'Jo Brand involved in fraud case'.
Apparently she put on her tax return, 'Occupation: Comedian'.

· Did you hear about the dyslexic druggie?
He thought he was getting LSD but ended up with quicker broadband.

· I have a stalker.
Everywhere I go, she's always there, 10 paces ahead of me...

· My wife's been sleeping in an airport for the past 6 days, with no food and no money.
If I feel sober enough in the morning, I might drive down to Heathrow and pick her up.

· When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head, it was tough being brought up in the gateau.

· "Torres out for the rest of the season"
So that makes it a straight race between Labour and the Lib Dems.

· My girlfriend's nose is pointed like a triangle.
The first time I met her I told her she had acute nose.

· I absolutely love helium filled balloons.
I can't speak highly enough about them.

· My Grandfather won 3 medals during the second world war.
In fairness the rest of the darts league were overseas fighting , so he only won them by default.

· After working at a sewage treatment plant for the past 7 years, i have finally realised..This is dodo
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 25, 2010, 16:10
and the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 25, 2010, 21:18
pic joke
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 25, 2010, 21:20
funny pic
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 25, 2010, 22:56
   
1. Families are like fudge. . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

   
2. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

   
3. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber not the toy.
   
Growing Old
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
   
The four stages of life:

1.   You believe in Santa Claus.
2.   You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3.   You are Santa Claus.
4.   You look like Santa Claus.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 25, 2010, 23:01

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans
 

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans' bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to pee, sniff around the entire garden as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot on which to poop. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 26, 2010, 16:47
11.   Never, ever lick the, er, 'tackle' until the vicar calls round and is part way through eating a slice of cake.

12.  Late at night, stand rigidly in front of the kitchen door, ears back, tail down, hackles up and growling loudly, occasional barking mixed into the growling until  your male pet human wraps his coat round his PJs (even more fun if doesn't wear PJs to bed), picks up the poker and nervously checks the garden for intruders until the female pet human accepts there is nobody there.  When they are all settled down, leave them for an hour then DO IT ALL AGAIN - but louder and with more barking.  Great fun.

13.  Never bury stuff in newly dug-over and empty ground.  It is much more secure to hide your bones etc under growing vegetables where nobody will notice your excavations..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on April 27, 2010, 22:45
The fire engine
 A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with
little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
 The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a Dog and a cat.
 The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely Fire engine,' he says admiringly.
 'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied
one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
 'Little colleague,' says the fire fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could
 probably go a lot faster.  The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the
dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says.........
 "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't
 have a siren, Would I?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 03:43
3 blonde essex girls walking out when they wander across some tracks,
1st one says "these are deer tracks",
2nd one says "No, these are badger tracks"
3rd one says," No, these are fox tracks".
Sadly, while they were arguing, they were run over by the train. :D :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:01
Paddy stumbles across a mass baptism at a river.
He walks into the river and stands next to the preacher.
"Are you ready to find Jesus my son?"
Paddy says "I am sir"
Preacher puts him under the water, then says
"have you found Jesus?"
"No sir"
He puts him under for longer
"Have you found Jesus?"
"No sir"
He puts him under for 2 minutes
"Have you found Jesus?"
Paddy comes up gasping for breath and says
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?" :tongue2: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:05
Paddy speaks frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only 2 mins apart"
"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"NO", Paddy shouts,
this is her husband" :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:14
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,
"Two Brazillian men die in a skydiving accident"
The blonde starts sobbing,
"That's horrible!!, So many men dying that way!"

Confused, the husband says,
"Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved"

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"how many is a Brazillion, anyway" :nowink: :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:15
a look-a-like competition was held in China today,

Everyone won!!! :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:22
Englishman, Scotsman & Irishman all discussing families.

Englishman says,

"My son was born on St Georges Day, so we called him George"

Scotsman says

"What a coincidence, our son was born on St Andrews Day, so we called him Andrew"

Irishman says

"This is unbelievable, can't wait to tell our Pancake" :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:30
A woman on her deathbed called her husband & asked him to open a box from under the bed.
Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash.

"what are the eggs for" he asks.

She replied,

"Everytime our lovemaking was hopeless, I put an egg in the box"

"Not bad", says the husband,
"3 eggs in 35years, and the cash?" he asks,

"Everytime I got a dozen, I sold them",  she replied. :D :D :D

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:32
Paddy doing a crossword asks Murphy,

"How do you spell paint?"

Murphy replies

"What colour?" :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:35
Paddy, still doing his crossword asks Murphy,

"How do you spell farm?"

Murphy thought for a moment and replied,

"I think it's E  I   E  I   O".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:41
If you think life is bad, how would you like to be an egg.

You only get laid once,

you only get smashed once,

it takes 4 mins to get hard, but only 2 mins to get soft.

you have to share your box with 5 other guys,

after 3 mins in the hot tub you get your head smashed in,

then you get poked by a load of soldiers.

So cheer up, life ain't that bad is it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 29, 2010, 10:49
I would just like to remind everyone that we have some very young members on the forum.  Please only post jokes that you wouldn't mind your 13 year old daughter or elderly mother hearing.  Anything else is not acceptable.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 11:59

Ice,
Apologies if I have offended anyone.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 29, 2010, 12:55
It was just a general warning to remind everyone that we have some very young forum members. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 13:28
Ice,
Believe it or not, most of these came from my daughter who is 12yrs old.
I never realised that there were really young people on here.

Once again, apologies.

Regards,
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 29, 2010, 17:52
i cant see an end.

i have no control and i dont think there's any escape-i dont even have a home anymore

definitely time for a new keyboard.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 29, 2010, 18:03
Ice,
Believe it or not, most of these came from my daughter who is 12yrs old.

Once again, apologies.

Regards,


Then I would worry about the company your daughter keeps  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 29, 2010, 18:07
how many bigots does it take to change a lightbulb?


 no idea,she's too busy changing the outcome of the election.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on April 29, 2010, 19:35
If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


Then you are probably the family dog
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on April 29, 2010, 19:58
It’s a bit early for Iceland volcano jokes.  We should wait awhile for
the dust to settle.

I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are
accusing them of harbouring a “weapon of ash eruption”.

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread
over Europe.

Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire.  This
has insurance scam written all over it.

Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash.

Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup.  I know, that's because it's
a no-fly zone.


I came out my house yesterday and was hit on the head by a bag of
frozen sausages, a chocolate gateau and some fish fingers.  I realised
it must be the fallout from Iceland.

Volcano in Iceland.  What next - earthquake in Asda?

Woke this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a
layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air.  No change, I’ve
been married to that bone-idle slob for 20 years.



 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on April 29, 2010, 22:49
agingchick I love every one of those  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on April 30, 2010, 08:14
me too  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 30, 2010, 16:41
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one - but the lightbulb has to want to change.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish.

How many mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, you go off and have fun with your fancy friends.  Don't worry about me, I'll be all right here. On my own. In the dark.

How many health and safety executives does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder

How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, who holds the lightbulb and waits for the world to revolve around her.

How many Microsoft developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they just redefine darkness as an 'undocumented feature'.

How many Apple developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they just redefine darkness as the new Industry standard.

How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?
What sort of figure had you in mind?

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change to bulb and twenty more to, like, share the experience, man.

How many Yemenis does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a lightbulb?

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to mix the martinis while the other phones the electrician.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb and six hundred to claim the cost of a full rewiring job on parliamentary expenses while insisting it is all within the rules.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to hold the lightbulb still while the other pins on the clean nappy.



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 30, 2010, 16:50
how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

one thank-you very much!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Hawkins on May 01, 2010, 15:55
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest...
 The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
 I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another..

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries..

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, family jewels nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
family jewels and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 01, 2010, 17:22
oh hawkins absolutely brilliant  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 01, 2010, 19:31
It made my eyes water. :lol: :lol: Only in America. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cissie on May 01, 2010, 20:19
That is soooooooooo funny Hawkins :D :D made me cry  :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 03, 2010, 20:41
a salesman knocks on a front door and its answered by a ten year old lad. he has a glass of scotch in one hand and a cigar smoking away in the other.
the salesman says "hello son is your mum or dad in?"
to which the lad says,"does it look like it mate."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 03, 2010, 21:12
Well he could be minding them for his parents, while they, you know. Have qaulity time together. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 04, 2010, 11:52
Canvassing politician knocks on the same door a little later.  Same ten year old lad answers.
"Hello, young man.  May I speak to your parents?"
"They int in!"
canvasser raises despairing eyes to heaven and mumbles under his breath something about appalling standards of modern education, before turning again to the lad.
"'They int in'! Whatever happened to grammar!"
"She int in neither -she's out at t'bingo!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 04, 2010, 12:44
That's terrible, Hamster (but I like it!)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 04, 2010, 16:06
That's terrible, Hamster (but I like it!)  :lol:

Truly terrible - social services should be informed immediately - a child of that age should not be home alone!!  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 04, 2010, 17:14
Memory triggered by the seagull-flavoured element of the 'Planting out' thread:


One of Her Majesty's submarines coming in from patrol, approaching the point for wheelover to enter the Gareloch, suddenly went full astern.

Much consternation as the way was quickly taken off the boat.

The Captain called the bridge in the fin to ask the reason, to be told by the Officer of the Watch that he had put the engines full astern to avoid some birds in the water dead ahead.
 
The Captain lost his cool slightly.  "You mean to tell me you went full astern to avoid running over some bl**dy seagulls?!"

"Not exactly, sir," replied the OOW.  "They weren't seagulls, they were waders..."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on May 05, 2010, 21:17
What do you call a man with rabbits up his b*m?

Warren............!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cissie on May 05, 2010, 21:42
Two bird's sitting on a perch
  one say's to the other
    can you smell fish ?? :) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on May 05, 2010, 23:13
two fish in a tank. One says to the other 'How do you drive this thing?'  :tongue2:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on May 05, 2010, 23:30
what was the last thing that Rommel said to his troops before they got into their tanks?


           scroll down....




















he said 'Right troops, get into your tanks!'

 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on May 06, 2010, 21:54
Heard a lovely one this evening on the radio...

Man walks into a pub.  Goes to the cigarette machine (do they still have them?), which says to him "You're an idiot. And I'm seeing your wife."

He then goes to the bar, where there is a bowl of peanuts, which say to him "you're a charming and very clever man."

So he says to the barman, "What's going on in this pub?" 

Barman says, "Sorry, I should have explained.  The cigarette machine is out of order and the peanuts are complimentary."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 06, 2010, 21:56
Made me laugh PennyS!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 07, 2010, 16:06
recent satelite images have shown a new ash cloud settling over london.

apparently its nothing to worry about its just spurs fans blowing the dust off their passports.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 07, 2010, 16:45
recent satelite images have shown a new ash cloud settling over london.

apparently its nothing to worry about its just spurs fans blowing the dust off their passports.


.........or someone dusting Arsenal's trophy cabinet?!!!  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 07, 2010, 18:46
quite possibly :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on May 07, 2010, 18:51
What cabinet, the woodworm destroyed that years ago :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 07, 2010, 19:11
now now, its only 5 years
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 07, 2010, 20:30
If Arsene doesn`t spend money, it will be 6 years, next year. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on May 08, 2010, 07:29
now now, its only 5 years

And counting....... :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on May 08, 2010, 07:40
Nine words women use.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying UP YOURS!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on May 08, 2010, 08:22
WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I
just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your
neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you
out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18.
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN
ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you '
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on May 08, 2010, 10:38
and on all of those your mother was right  :lol: (mother of 2 and most of those phrases have been used at one time or another!!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on May 08, 2010, 12:50
Yes!!!  My mother used them on me and I used them on my kids. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 08, 2010, 12:52
Number 4 was the one that drove me crazy (and ultimately to leave home) in my teens  :mad:

Number 6 my mother taught me how to iron all my own clothes, but number 7 is my personal favourite and I used it as well  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 08, 2010, 14:01
so,David Cameron and Nick Clegg to form a coalition........

does this mean we will be Con-Dem'd
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on May 08, 2010, 14:58
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU 

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. 

Please select from the following options menu: 

If you are   obsessive-compulsive , press 1    repeatedly . 

If you are   co-dependent ,   please ask someone to press 2 for you. 

If you have   multiple personalities , press 3, 4, 5 and 6. 

If you are   paranoid , we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call. 

If you are   delusional , press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. 

If you are   schizophrenic , listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press. 

If you are   manic-depressive , hang up.
It   doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway. 

If you are   dyslexic , press 9-6-9-6. 

If you are   bipolar , please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep. 

If you have   short-term   memory loss ,   press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 

If you have   low self-esteem , please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you. 

If you are   menopausal , put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever. 

If   you are blonde , don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up. 

 

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 08, 2010, 17:38
i like it agingchick  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on May 08, 2010, 17:50
Sent to sis in law - who is a psychologist! 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 08, 2010, 18:54
i like it agingchick  :lol: :lol: :lol:

It's brilliant - sent off to a mate in Australia.. thanks!  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on May 09, 2010, 20:55
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.  The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.  Then, the still shaking Driver said, “Are you OK?  I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”  The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the Shoulder would startle him so badly. 

The driver replied, “No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault; today is my very first day driving a cab, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on May 11, 2010, 08:21
The Old Dog

 A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle  named Cuddles, along for the company.
 One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
  The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
  Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
  Meanwhile, a monkey ! who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
  The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
  The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
  Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
  "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
 
Moral of this story....
 
Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on May 11, 2010, 22:16
David Cameron has only been in power for a couple of hours, and already there is a Scottish family homeless...............!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on May 12, 2010, 12:47
The wife of a mean man dies.
His  friends tell him to put a notice in the paper."will it cost much?' he asked 'A few quid"
He rings  the paper and gets through to births and deaths. "i wish to put a death notice in the paper'. "what would you like to say?'
" er, wife died "  'Is that it?"   " Yes".  "But you can put more in - you have enough for 3 more words"    Oh well er...  TOYOTA FOR SALE!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on May 12, 2010, 21:35
Jesus and Moses

 A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?"  He hissed at the parrot. "Yup," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh?  Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"


"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 12, 2010, 21:56
 :D :D :D :D :D excellent !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Spana on May 13, 2010, 22:03
 A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Dad dy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the * dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this only once.....


'I HAVEN'T MADE THE * PORRIDGE YET



Edited to add, the swear word between 'THE' and ' PORRIDGE' has rightly been removed :D but I think it needs ones, so choose your own :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 14, 2010, 08:53
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on May 16, 2010, 06:39
A Cows Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle...

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that.'

You have to be So carefull don't you
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gsc on May 16, 2010, 07:25
Don't know if you've heard this one?

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem
To get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
She came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most
Beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
Of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat, and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
Doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
It would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
Flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by, and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Spana on May 16, 2010, 09:59
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

I'd try it, but unfortunately I'm not growing cucumbers this year :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 16, 2010, 11:34
don't try it with courgettes instead then  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on May 17, 2010, 21:36
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily.
His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer,” said Johnny through his tears.
“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you laugh?”
“I did!” sobbed Johnny.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on May 17, 2010, 21:48
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious at that age."

"Curious?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

(Toned down from the original).
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 17, 2010, 21:53
Good one Dave  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on May 17, 2010, 22:12
whatsthatlongrectanglebuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 17, 2010, 22:15
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Dunnow.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 17, 2010, 22:15
so sad  :blush: it took me a while to figure that out  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on May 18, 2010, 05:49
try hitting the del k
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 18, 2010, 16:11
whatsthatlongrectanglebuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

It's for when you've lost your reading glasses and can't see      the     little      keys  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 18, 2010, 19:55
it did'nt take the torys long did it,they have already made a scottish family homeless and unemployed.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 18, 2010, 20:50
andy posted that on the 11th dave....so you are well late, mate  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on May 18, 2010, 20:52
it's his age mum, forgive him  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 18, 2010, 20:53
bless! hormonal is he  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 18, 2010, 20:57
bless! hormonal is he  :tongue2:

And WOMEN don`t get hormonal? Yeah, right. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on May 18, 2010, 20:59
chortle
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 18, 2010, 21:14
[And WOMEN don`t get hormonal?
No, not at my age.  All I get is even. (http://bestsmileys.com/evil/3.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on May 18, 2010, 21:17
 The Offside Rule - For Girls

In preparation for the World Cup, the "offside rule" explained for women:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have....

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes! At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on May 18, 2010, 22:34
The Offside Rule - For Girls

In preparation for the World Cup, the "offside rule" explained for women:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have....

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes! At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!

I have never ever understood (or bothered to understand) the offside rule.  You're the only person who's ever explained it to me in plain English.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 19, 2010, 18:33
bless! hormonal is he  :tongue2:

"hic" its all this wine mum :wacko: :D i keep losing days  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on May 19, 2010, 21:49
I think maybe me and my sense of humour don't belong here...............  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on May 19, 2010, 22:24
2 men in a butchers:
One says to the other "I bet you carnt jump and reach them two pieces of meat",
The other replied "No, the steakes are too high!"

Jack:
Why couldnt anyone called jack be a pilot, because when he was welcomed on boared and they siad "Hi Jack" everone thought there was a terorist attack.

Ill go get my coat ::)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on May 19, 2010, 22:29
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on May 20, 2010, 03:41
man falling with parachute problem meets man going up
'What happened to you?'
'Parachute problem , and you?'
'Fireworks'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on May 20, 2010, 12:01
I think maybe me and my sense of humour don't belong here...............  :lol:
Oh they do  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on May 20, 2010, 12:18
just so long as people remember we do have young children who read this forum and not just adults  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on May 23, 2010, 16:27
I hope this ones ok I think you have to be a certain age to understand it

On the subject of Colonoscopies. ... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these
comments during the exam were quite humorous.... . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

         

     
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 23, 2010, 20:08
I love number 10. :lol:

Went for a colonoscopy last year.  The nurse took me into a room to do my blood pressure and asked If I would like a throat numbing spray before the procedure.  I said "Bl**dy hell, how long is the tube". :ohmy:  Thankfully she had got me muddled with someone else. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 23, 2010, 20:31
Isn`t it normal practice to post pics on here? :tongue2: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on May 23, 2010, 21:56
'orrible things!  I had one a couple of years back and really hope I don't have to have another one for a very very long time  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on May 23, 2010, 22:05
I dont know if this is allowed, but I just find Tim Vine so funny, so i thought id post a link to a clip of his.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPaZfeAYUyk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPaZfeAYUyk)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 24, 2010, 10:08
Oh Jamie - He's Tommy Cooper reborn :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 24, 2010, 21:09
Aunty, how can you compare him to that brilliant Welshman? Tommy Cooper made people laugh, that man didn`t even make me smile.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 24, 2010, 21:25
I must admit that Tommy cooper is one of my all time favourite comedians.

The way Tim Vine tells a joke is rather Cooperesque.  Lots more to Tommy than just jokes though :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 24, 2010, 21:25
jar spoon spoon jar
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 24, 2010, 21:28
Yes, despite being Welsh he was a genius of comedy. :tongue2:  It was his visual as well as spoken humour that I loved. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 24, 2010, 21:29
He would rehearse for hours to get the timing right
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 24, 2010, 21:37
He would rehearse for hours to get the timing right
Like Les Dawson playing the piano badly, it's not as easy as it seems.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on May 25, 2010, 06:56
I used to love Tommy Cooper, it was just so sad watching him on stage for the last time and realising that the fall to the floor wasn't part of his act  :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on May 25, 2010, 07:47
Yes, despite being Welsh he was a genius of comedy. :tongue2: 


OI!!  
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 25, 2010, 17:23
Yes, despite being Welsh he was a genius of comedy. :tongue2: 


OI!!  

you tell em plum,aving a pop at you like that, isnt it :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on May 25, 2010, 18:02
ach y fi! Jealousy it is.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on May 25, 2010, 21:57

Words for Women to Live By in 2010


1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b*tch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt.... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2010 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man, there is some woman tired of his bulls**t!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest..

14. If it has Tires or Testicles, it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on May 26, 2010, 11:11
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on May 26, 2010, 11:18
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 26, 2010, 19:09

Words for Women to Live By in 2010


1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b*tch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt.... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2010 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man, there is some woman tired of his bulls**t!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest..

14. If it has Tires or Testicles, it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.



with the spelling in number fourteen,that would be right, :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on May 27, 2010, 08:43
Remember that Trillium is from over the pond and they haven't learnt to spell correctly, now, where is the spell check button?  ;)








Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on May 31, 2010, 10:00
More funnies please! 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 31, 2010, 15:03
   How to clean a toilet (according to the dog)...
 
 1. Put the lid and seat of the lavatory up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 
 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
 
 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the lavatory, put the seat down and close the lid.  You may need to stand on the lid.
 
 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from the lavatory, the cat is actually enjoying this.
 
 5. Flush the lavatory three or four times.  This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.
 
 6. Have someone open the front door of your house. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
 
 7. Stand behind the lavatory as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
 
 8. The cat will rocket out of the lavatory, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
 
 9. Both the lavatory pan and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 31, 2010, 19:28
there was an explosion at a pie factory in huddersfield yesterday  ............................................. 3.14159265 people dead
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 31, 2010, 19:43
Don't get that one Dave  :(

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on May 31, 2010, 19:46
Don't get that one Dave  :(


Pie as in mathamatics equals 3.14. Hence the punch line  ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 31, 2010, 19:49
Ahhh...  ::)

I think it was having the number on two lines that threw me  ::)  I'll take a few of the


..................'s out  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 31, 2010, 19:53
Surely it's pi, not pie? :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on May 31, 2010, 19:55
Surely it's pi, not pie? :tongue2:
That's true but I kept it in Dave's context ::) ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on May 31, 2010, 19:56
chortle!!! very good!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 31, 2010, 21:29
chortle!!! very good!  :lol:

We Welsh understand good pi`s. Clarkes, Peters.lol
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 31, 2010, 21:36
There is queue outside the Guinness book of records office,
Snow White thinks she is the most beautiful woman, Tom thumb who thinks he is the smallest man and Quasimodo who thinks he is the ugliest man.
Snow White goes in and comes out 20 minutes later saying " i am the most beautiful woman , and i have a certificate to prove it"
Tom Thumb goes in and returns saying " i am the smallest man and i have a certificate to prove it"

Quasimodo goes in and comes out saying " who the hell is davethespread "

 :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 31, 2010, 21:38
Did he have the hump then?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 31, 2010, 21:51
Did he have the hump then?


Might have now. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 31, 2010, 22:17
Oh Oh you're in trouble  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 01, 2010, 07:33
and i heard that 8Doubles was so ugly that when doctor who was on the daleks used to hide behind the sofa.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on June 01, 2010, 07:49
and i heard that 8Doubles was so ugly that when doctor who was on the daleks used to hide behind the sofa.

Yep, my mum used to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 01, 2010, 07:56
try a pork chop now my dog will play with you :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on June 01, 2010, 08:54
Fetch Cesc, Fetch!!!!!  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on June 01, 2010, 12:22
That's nothing.
I was so ugly when I was born, the midwife slapped my mother.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 01, 2010, 12:31
I'm so ugly my mum got morning sickness after I was born!  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 01, 2010, 12:38
I was such an ugly child that when I used to play in the sand-pit the cat used to cover me up!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on June 01, 2010, 12:57
 :lol: :lol: :lol: at JayG! You really cheered me up this morning!! (Being a grump back at my desk)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 01, 2010, 13:21
:lol: :lol: :lol: at JayG! You really cheered me up this morning!! (Being a grump back at my desk)


Oh good (nothing worse than a sour plum!)  :ohmy:

One more:

After I was born the midwife went to my Dad and said "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, but he's pulled through!"


(If it doesn't start raining properly here soon it's me who's going to need cheering up!!)  :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 01, 2010, 13:47
i was so ugly as a child,they used to feed me with a catapault :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on June 01, 2010, 16:41
When my mum was carrying me, she got so fat, she didn't have elastic in her knickers, she had to have curtain rail.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 01, 2010, 19:14
When my mum was carrying me, she got so fat, she didn't have elastic in her knickers, she had to have curtain rail.

A man went to the doctors complaining that he felt like a pair of curtains.

Doctor said, "For heaven sake, pull yourself together man!"  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 01, 2010, 19:31
Sometimes wonder if my parents even wanted me; at bath time instead of plastic ducks they gave me an electric toaster to play with!  :(  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on June 01, 2010, 21:33
I`ve never been ugly. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on June 01, 2010, 21:36
I`ve never been ugly. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Don't you have a mirror ? DavidT  :lol: :lol: :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on June 01, 2010, 21:36
You are joking. :lol: :lol: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on June 01, 2010, 21:38
 You are quick as ever :( :( ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 01, 2010, 21:38
I`ve never been ugly. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Don't you have a mirror ? DavidT  :lol: :lol: :D :D

He used to, but somehow they all got broken!  :tongue2:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on June 01, 2010, 21:39
Only coz you looked into them Jay. ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on June 01, 2010, 21:39
I`ve never been ugly. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Don't you have a mirror ? DavidT  :lol: :lol: :D :D

He used to, but somehow they all got broken!  :tongue2:  :lol:
Perhaps it a mirror from an Amusement Site  :lol: :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: peapod on June 01, 2010, 21:42
OOO and I thought women were supposed to be catty

MEOW!  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on June 01, 2010, 21:44
OOO and I thought women were supposed to be catty

MEOW!  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Sorry Peapod us men call it banter ;) ;) Miaow :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 02, 2010, 01:07
OOO and I thought women were supposed to be catty

MEOW!  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Sorry Peapod us men call it banter ;) ;) Miaow :D :D

Banter? Me...how?  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 02, 2010, 06:32
blimey the claws really came out last night,did'nt they :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on June 02, 2010, 18:37
blimey the claws really came out last night,did'nt they :D
No Dave it was more like constructive debate!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 02, 2010, 18:49
blimey the claws really came out last night,did'nt they :D
No Dave it was more like constructive debate!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

On reflection I'm inclined to agree with you!  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on June 02, 2010, 20:20
I put it down to jealousy because I`ve never been ugly. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 02, 2010, 22:28
did your mother tell you that?  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on June 02, 2010, 22:40
The most beautiful person can have an ugly soul. :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 03, 2010, 06:11
my psychotherapist reckons i am consumed by vengeance,well,we'll see about that!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 03, 2010, 06:24
yesterday i had an interview with a careers advisor,and he asked me what i thought i was best at.
so i thought for a moment and said,"im brilliant at wasting time",ive got a start at the council next week.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 03, 2010, 19:16
 :lol:  :lol:

Space for one more?   

On my pension I'll consider almost anything (if only I had the time!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on June 05, 2010, 14:58
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
 
 1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

 
 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

 
 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

 
 4. A dog's parents never visit.

 
 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 
 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

 
 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk...

 
 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

 
 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

 
 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

 
 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

 
 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

 
 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

 And last, but certainly not least:

 
 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


 
Ultimate True Test:
 Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Zeb on June 05, 2010, 17:34
(http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc34/Zeb1954/image001vz6.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Zeb on June 05, 2010, 17:36
(http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc34/Zeb1954/cartoon.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on June 05, 2010, 19:45
No more cartoons please.  Could give us a problem with copyright.  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jemimapuddleduck on June 06, 2010, 14:42
(http://www.cleanjoke.com/images/ducklingscam.jpg)

 :D
Original photo courtesy of www.cleanjoke.com
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on June 06, 2010, 19:34
Jemima, please could you edit the post to show which website that picture came from.  We have copyright difficulties otherwise.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on June 06, 2010, 20:02
I've attributed it to cleanjoke.com.  Just in case Jemima can't remember where it came from, as I often can't remember stuff either.  Or is that the Gin?  :wacko: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on June 06, 2010, 20:04
Gin or Age Ice, Gin or Age

(sound of Welsh feet running off stage left............. :lol:)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 06, 2010, 20:12
Ice Age gin? is that vintage stuff ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on June 06, 2010, 20:25
Gin or Age Ice, Gin or Age

(sound of Welsh feet running off stage left............. :lol:)
What was I going to write? ???

Oh yes, my fellow celt, I love you man, you're my beshtest friend in the wurld, hic.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on June 06, 2010, 20:53
I am most definitely saying NOTHING. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohbeary on June 06, 2010, 21:22
Mae ddim c ag gin ai 'n hen hia, or even new ice and old Gin! ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jemimapuddleduck on June 07, 2010, 10:11
oops. sorry about the copyright thingy...and thanks for bailing me out!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 07, 2010, 16:50
(http://www.cleanjoke.com/images/ducklingscam.jpg)

 :D
Original photo courtesy of www.cleanjoke.com

That's quackers! I'm sure ducks are honest!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on June 07, 2010, 17:02
why did the lion eat the tight-rope walker?



He wanted a well-balanced meal  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on June 07, 2010, 22:18
Beer contains female hormones !

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :


1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on June 08, 2010, 09:34
Beer contains female hormones !

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :


1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary.


OOOOOOH.  Aunty, where are you? 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on June 08, 2010, 09:38
This is no slight against Aunty, as she is a 300 year old wooden doll and not subject to the above.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on June 08, 2010, 09:56
Yes but she's a force to be reckoned with and will defend the womenfolk of this board  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 08, 2010, 18:30
A van driver had broken down at the side of the road, Paddy was driving past and decided to stop and see if he could help.

The van driver said to Paddy,

"I have got 4 monkeys in the backand I was taking them to the zoo, if I give you £300, will you take them for me, please"

Paddy agreed and off he went with the monkeys in the back of his car.

About 2 hours later while still waiting for the AA, the van driver saw Paddy driving in the opposite direction to the zoo with the monkeys still in his car.

Horrified, he shouted over to Paddy,

"I gave you £300 to take the monkeys to the zoo for me, but you still have them in the car"

"It's ok" shouted Paddy

" I took them to the zoo as you asked me too, but I still have some of the money left that you gave me, so now I'm taking them to the pictures" :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 08, 2010, 18:45
I was so drunk last night, totally hammered, when I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

I crept up the stairs very quietly, so as not to wake the wife.

It was only when I got to the top  of the stairs I realised I was on the bus. :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 08, 2010, 20:09
i should have never entered that 'massive butterfly' competition.

me and my big moth.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jemimapuddleduck on June 08, 2010, 20:15
 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on June 08, 2010, 20:51
i should have never entered that 'massive butterfly' competition.

me and my big moth.
Dave they get worse :( :( :( :ohmy: :ohmy: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on June 08, 2010, 21:32

For once I had some time on my hands, I want to thank you all  for a pleasant hour looking at all your funnies.

My father took me swimming.

It was not to difficult.

But Getting out of the sack was tricky
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 09, 2010, 10:55
In the strong winds we had in May, a figure came zooming out of  the low clouds to land heavily in my garden tangled in lines and wrapped up in billowing fabric.

"More nerve than I have!" I said, "Paragliding in this wind!"

"It's not a paraglider!" he replied in a shaky voice.  "Supposed to be a tent!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 10, 2010, 19:08
my mate just got himself a new polish girlfriend,it took her five days to hoover the house.turns out she's a slovak.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 10, 2010, 20:07
George w bush has compared president obama to jesus,when george was in office we would have done anythinbg for oil,even go to war.
president obama gets into office and millions of gallons wash up on his doorstep
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on June 10, 2010, 20:37
You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable

Or get married and wish you were dead.

__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another

'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

'Husband Wanted'.

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

'You can have mine.'

__________

When a woman steals your husband

There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________

 

A woman is incomplete until she is married.

Then she is finished.

__________

A young son asked,

'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa

A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

__________

Then there was a woman, who said,

'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married

And by then, it was too late.'

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

 

__________

If you want your spouse to listen and

Pay strict attention to every word you say...

Talk in your sleep.

__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage

Men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'

Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

__________

'A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man,

To Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

 

__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.
 


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on June 10, 2010, 22:59
  A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in  the empty seat next to him.

 "No," he says. "The seat is empty."

 "This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would  have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting  event, and not use it?"

 "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come  with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we  haven't been to together since we got married.

 "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find  someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the  seat?"

 The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral..."

 Feel it, it is here!!!!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 12, 2010, 17:44
i never realised Heather Mills name in Korean is TAI WAN SHU
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 13, 2010, 18:05
i never realised Heather Mills name in Korean is TAI WAN SHU

Just as well she's not a twin = A pair of shu s  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 17, 2010, 12:44
Paddy and Mick are racing up a hill,

"If I get there first I'm gonna write my name at the top" says Paddy.

Mick says,

"If I get there first, I'm gonna rub it out" :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 17, 2010, 12:55
3 women, 1 engaged, 1 married & 1 a mistress decided to treat their men by wearing black leather underwear, black leather boots and a black leather face mask.

They met up the next day to compare the results.

The engaged woman said that her man leapt on her as soon as he walked through the front door and they had the most passionate night ever.

The mistress said the same.

The married woman sighs,

My husband walked in the door, took one look at me and said,


"What's for tea, Batman". :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 17, 2010, 12:59
I said to my wife last night,

"right, my little cherub, upstairs now"

She looked at me and said,

"ooh,kinky"

I said

"No seriously, the footies coming on, get out my way".

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 17, 2010, 13:01
Murphy asks Paddy,


"What's your pet hate?"



Paddy thinks for a minute and says,


"I think it's when the vet shoves the thermometer up his behind".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wicked on June 18, 2010, 11:28
Daughter listening to a cd in the car, that keeps jumping...

'Mum, it's not fair... my cd has hiccups!'

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 18, 2010, 16:43
Murphy asks Paddy,


"What's your pet hate?"



Paddy thinks for a minute and says,


"I think it's when the vet shoves the thermometer up his behind".

That took me far too many seconds to get  ::)  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on June 18, 2010, 19:17
Paddy and Murphy, two friends from Leading Tickles, Newfoundland, were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,  "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again." Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 19, 2010, 09:10
Watching the world cup is alot like marriage,,,

You're supposed to enjoy it, but there's a constant droning in the background!!!!! :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: SteveHorsfall on June 19, 2010, 09:55
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman walk into a pub.  The barman says "What is this - some sort of joke?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on June 19, 2010, 16:11
 The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto aged 6.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on June 19, 2010, 18:11
Oh how cruel Jamie  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mobilekat on June 19, 2010, 23:14
Good one Jamie!!
Made me laugh (unlike the match that made us groan!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 20, 2010, 00:18
That's about the best joke on here!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on June 21, 2010, 14:38
HOW TO TREAT YOUR AGING WIFE
 
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Mike.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Kathy.
 
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Kathy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the pension benefits that we needed.


Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don't yell at her.   Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me up when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the golf club, so I 'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
 
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.  For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
 
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene.  I'm a fair man.  I tell her to get herself a big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
 
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Kathy.  I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.   Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
 
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
 
Signed, Mike
 
 
        Editor's note:
Mike died suddenly on June 13 of a perforated rectum and distended colon.  The police report says he was found with an extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip handle showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife Kathy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Mike, without looking, somehow accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 21, 2010, 15:24
Poor Mike - he was such a reasonable chap  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on June 21, 2010, 15:31
His only mistake was playing golf rather than reading a book  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on June 21, 2010, 19:33
He went to the club once to often, it appears. :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 23, 2010, 00:37
Two tv aerials got together on a roof top, became good friends and decided to marry.

It was a pretty poor ceremony but wonderful reception!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on June 24, 2010, 14:29
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on June 24, 2010, 14:53
 :D

What's grey and can't climb trees?


A car park!  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on June 26, 2010, 08:37
Oh no aelf don't start that.
 Sigh.....
What's got red eyes and eats rocks?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 26, 2010, 20:42
A pineapple!

(I've assumed you made up the bit about the red eyes and the rock eating)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: WirralWally on June 27, 2010, 01:59
What's got red eyes and eats rocks?

Would that be a red-eyed rock-eater?  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on June 27, 2010, 12:12
Yup red-eyed rock eater.
What goes white flub black flub white flub black flub......?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 27, 2010, 14:53
a penguin in a washing machine?
a nun in a washing machine?
a nun dressed as a penguin, in a washing machine?
a penguin dressed as a nun in a washing machine?
a penguin dressed as a different penguin in...etc etc etc
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 27, 2010, 15:00
What is it that you can sit on, clean your teeth with, and eat your dinner off?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on June 27, 2010, 16:42
I saw joke on TV today, they call themselves england :mad:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on June 27, 2010, 16:49
Englands new coach arrives tomorow....


.... to take them home
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 27, 2010, 16:51
Englands new coach arrives tomorow....


.... to take them home

 :lol: .......... Perhaps they are going somewhere  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on June 28, 2010, 13:45
A nun falling downstairs.
Hey aelf
what contains dirty water and floats
A carp ark
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on June 28, 2010, 14:21
A nun falling downstairs.
Hey aelf
what contains dirty water and floats
A carp ark


Ha ha ha! Love it!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 28, 2010, 18:29
oxo have brought out a new product,it comes in a white box with a red cross.

its called a laughing stock cube
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 28, 2010, 18:36
 :lol:  :lol:

Just remembered that the Red Cross also represents a provider of urgent international medical attention (if not actual surgery!)  :unsure:

(Sorry, bound to be the odd escapee from the World Cup forum!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: WirralWally on June 29, 2010, 00:51
What is it that you can sit on, clean your teeth with, and eat your dinner off?

I'm sure that would be a chair; a toothbrush and a plate.  ::)


By 'eck there's some corn in this thread.  :dry:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on June 29, 2010, 06:04
:lol:  :lol:

Just remembered that the Red Cross also represents a provider of urgent international medical attention (if not actual surgery!)  :unsure:


Yes dear
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on June 29, 2010, 08:42
These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honour, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
__________________________________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________________________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
__________________________________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________________________ _______
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on June 29, 2010, 09:29
and these people get paid a fortune!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 29, 2010, 15:55
the England football team flew in to Glasgow airport this morning to a heroes welcome
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 29, 2010, 16:03
oooh yes! very funny dave  :tongue2:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 29, 2010, 17:48
the England football team flew in to Glasgow airport this morning to a heroes welcome

Sadly it took me a minute to get that  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 29, 2010, 20:16
the England football team flew in to Glasgow airport this morning to a heroes welcome

Sadly it took me a minute to get that  :D :D :D

For a change I managed it in seconds  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 30, 2010, 20:41
south african police are holding an enquiry into how the England fan got into the teams dressing room.meanwhile,the F.A are holding an enquiry into how wayne rooney got into the England dressing room.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on June 30, 2010, 21:18
Wouldn't it have been great if the fan had attacked a player.  Can you imagine the headline.  "The fan hits the s**t". :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Starling on June 30, 2010, 21:41
Wouldn't it have been great if the fan had attacked a player.  Can you imagine the headline.  "The fan hits the s**t". :lol:
:lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on June 30, 2010, 22:23
Wouldn't it have been great if the fan had attacked a player.  Can you imagine the headline.  "The fan hits the s**t". :lol:

Brilliant Ice.... Must remember to tell hubby that one when he comes home from work!!
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on June 30, 2010, 22:27
Blimey, he works late. :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on June 30, 2010, 22:34
The downside of running a pub & restaurant I'm afraid....

on the upside - I get to spend all night on the PC in peace and quiet!!  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on July 08, 2010, 03:18
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing..

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on July 08, 2010, 09:43
Trillium, that's brilliant  :D

(worrying thing is tho, you could be describing me  ???)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on July 08, 2010, 10:33
Yup! Been there, done all that, got the teashirt (put it somewhere "safe" but can I hell as like find it now!)  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on July 08, 2010, 11:32
Thank god I'm not the only one :D :D :D
Now what was I doing????
Diane
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on July 08, 2010, 14:20
Has anyone seen £10 in Thompson & Morgan vouchers? I put them somewhere safe...

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on July 08, 2010, 15:02
so pleased it isn't just me like that  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 08, 2010, 16:24
The worst thing for me is losing my glasses. I don't need them for any close work, so I take them off and the wander off for a coffee or to do something else and then....without my glasses I can't see well enough to find them again, unless I can remember what I was doing in the first place  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 08, 2010, 16:31
The worst thing for me is losing my glasses. I don't need them for any close work, so I take them off and the wander off for a coffee or to do something else and then....without my glasses I can't see well enough to find them again, unless I can remember what I was doing in the first place  ::)

I'm lucky as I get my specs from the local supermarket - very cheap price - so when one pair wander off of their own accord I simply reach out for another that have decided to appear again. I have them all over the place including amongst the veg on the plot.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 08, 2010, 16:45
 :lol: good for you Learner...........my eyes are not a matching pair :blink:, so cheap is not a good option for me...I shop where you buy 1 get 1 free but still lose them too often :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on July 08, 2010, 18:12
:lol: good for you Learner...........my eyes are not a matching pair :blink:, so cheap is not a good option for me...I shop where you buy 1 get 1 free but still lose them too often :nowink:

haa haa mum not a matching pair have you got one at home and one away? :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 08, 2010, 18:48
It's the way you tell'em Dave  :lol:
I have one eye with weaker sight than the other, silly!
Off the rack glasses have the same prescription in each lens..which is why I can't buy them :(...........they are soo much cheaper though
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on July 08, 2010, 18:56
I suppose that is one advantage to being a Harry Potter.  I wake up, put glasses on nose, open eyes.  As I go to sleep, I take glasses off nose, head hits pillow .....  If they arent on my face I am a) blind as a bat and b) asleep or in the shower.  Only time I lose them is when someone moves them while I'm in the shower ....   >:( ...  and that doesn't happen more than once!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on July 08, 2010, 20:06
I`m with Learner, though I don`t lose or misplace glasses, I tend to flatten them.  :lol: :lol: :lol: As for the AAADD, I notice those affected are coffee drinkers, I don`t drink the stuff myself. :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gypsy on July 08, 2010, 22:25
It's the way you tell'em Dave  :lol:
I have one eye with weaker sight than the other, silly!
Off the rack glasses have the same prescription in each lens..which is why I can't buy them :(...........they are soo much cheaper though
Buy 2 pairs of different strengths and swap the lenses, will save you £££££££££££££s if it works.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 08, 2010, 22:27
It's the way you tell'em Dave  :lol:
I have one eye with weaker sight than the other, silly!
Off the rack glasses have the same prescription in each lens..which is why I can't buy them :(...........they are soo much cheaper though
Buy 2 pairs of different strengths and swap the lenses, will save you £££££££££££££s if it works.

That is a very good idea and I think it would work too for reading glasses anyway.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: WirralWally on July 08, 2010, 22:45
Whilst the topic here is glasses, I'll share this.

My friend went to a cheap opticians and, for the first time, got a varifocal prescription.
He collected his specs and the optician warned him that he should take care as he may need some time to get used to varifocals.
My friend had terrible difficulty with them.
Someone greeted him in the street. He said 'I know the voice, but I can't see who you are', and explained that he had new specs.
That night he went to the pub, still having problems seeing correctly.
All night his friends joked about him needing a white stick or a guide dog.
He went home and attempted to watch the highlights of a world cup match on the tv, without success. All he could see was a blurred picture.
He was thinking that it must be really difficult to get used to varifocal lenses.
Having had a bit to drink he fell asleep in front of the tv.
As a joke, whilst he was asleep, his wife put his specs on his face upside down.
When he awoke, and looked at the tv, he exclaimed that he could now see perfectly well.


It transpires that his, cheapo, optician had put his new prescription lenses in upside down.  :)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on July 08, 2010, 22:55
I can believe that!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 09, 2010, 00:00
Have you ever watched anybody trying on pairs of cheap, over-the-counter, reading specs in supermarkets and other out-lets?

There's usually a mirror so you can see how much of a plonk (or not) you look in each different style. 

Why is it the manufacturers stick the label showing the magnification onto the lens (so you can’t see through it) or they attach some fiddly bit of plastic onto the bridge / frame... The wearer is supposed to be able to see what they look like in the mirror through all of this.

Enough to make you boss-eyed trying!  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on July 09, 2010, 19:53
Have you ever watched anybody trying on pairs of cheap, over-the-counter, reading specs in supermarkets and other out-lets?

There's usually a mirror so you can see how much of a plonk (or not) you look in each different style. 

Why is it the manufacturers stick the label showing the magnification onto the lens (so you can’t see through it) or they attach some fiddly bit of plastic onto the bridge / frame... The wearer is supposed to be able to see what they look like in the mirror through all of this.

Enough to make you boss-eyed trying!  :wacko:




I get around that by sending the wife to buy them. Get me a pair of 3 .5 please. :lol: :lol: 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on July 09, 2010, 20:36
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing..

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!




That's me, too. Have you found out that you can't sleep at night, but can nod off any time the telly is on, yet?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Starling on July 09, 2010, 23:00
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing..

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!




That's me, too. Have you found out that you can't sleep at night, but can nod off any time the telly is on, yet?
Yep and I have only just hit 30, there is little hope for me
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 09, 2010, 23:03
A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.. That happens to me on days when either I have plenty of time so relax and wander or I am very tired and can't concentrate.

On such occasions I try to do more and get less done and end up even more tired until I crash out and sleep it off for around 30 to 40 minute. After this I can focus...

Now what was I posting about?  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 09, 2010, 23:38
sorry, I don't know...........I lost track of it all somewhere  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 09, 2010, 23:41
sorry, I don't know...........I lost track of it all somewhere  :wacko:

You're 'aving a larf wiv me!  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on July 10, 2010, 08:02
 I got AIDS

Always in debt syndrome
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on July 13, 2010, 01:15
Just got this via email I'll briefalise it. (briefalise - a word that didn't exist 'til now)

Couple in their nineties go to doctor, complain about memory loss.
Doc says write everything down.
Couple sitting in lounge, husband says 'would you like some ice cream?' wife sez 'yes but you'd better write it down ' It's ok I'll remember it, how about peaches with that?
Lovely but write it down. Hubby says dont worry i won't forget.
He comes back 20 minutes later with a plate of bacon and eggs,
His wife said 'Where's the toast?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 13, 2010, 01:22
Just got this via email I'll briefalise it. (briefalise - a word that didn't exist 'til now)

Couple in their nineties go to doctor, complain about memory loss.
Doc says write everything down.
Couple sitting in lounge, husband says 'would you like some ice cream?' wife sez 'yes but you'd better write it down ' It's ok I'll remember it, how about peaches with that?
Lovely but write it down. Hubby says dont worry i won't forget.
He comes back 20 minutes later with a plate of bacon and eggs,
His wife said 'Where's the toast?'

This is as funny now as the first time I heard it....  :lol:

                                           .............trouble is it really does happen!  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 13, 2010, 09:57
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa.
 
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 13, 2010, 19:03
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa.
 
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.


I think he might be the same chap wanting to place 1/4 million into my account!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on July 13, 2010, 21:35
And mine. 8) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on July 13, 2010, 22:14
And mine. 8) :D
Ha - he only offered you quarter of a million?  He offered me 5 million.  I think you were "had".
... Just waiting for the transfer now and then I'll be off on holiday.   ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on July 14, 2010, 12:07
  Lizard Birth"

                        If you have raised kids (or been one), and
 gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
 goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out  LOUD!

                        Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

                        Here's what happened:

                        Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he
 holds prisoner in his room.
 "He's just lying there looking sick," he told
 me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

                        I put my best lizard-healer expression on my
 face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was
 indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to
 do.

                        "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

                        "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
                        "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
 Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

                        I was equally outraged.

                        "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
 didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

                        "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign
 in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this
 sarcastically!)
                        "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
                        "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

                        "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some
 guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

                        By now the rest of the family had gathered to
 see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

                        "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
 experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
 birth."
                        "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

                        We peered at the patient. After much
 struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
 vanishing a scant second later.

  "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
                         "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

                        "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

                        "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and
 grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It
 disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

           "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

                        "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
 (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

                        "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
 We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

                        "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

                        The vet took Ernie back to the examining room
 and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

                        "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

                        "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and
 Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

                       I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

                        "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

                        "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This
 lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
 Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
 they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . .
 masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed,
 glancing at my wife.

                        We were silent, absorbing this.
                       "So, Ernie's just, just . . ... excited," my wife offered.
                       "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

                       More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife
 started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

                        Tears were now running down her face. "It's
 just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . . "
                        She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

                        "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet
 and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was
 glad everything was going to be okay.

                       "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

                       "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

                       Two lizards: $140.

                       One cage: $50.

                      Trip to the vet: $30.

                       Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

                       Priceless!

                      Moral of the story:

                        Pay attention in biology class.
                        Lizards lay eggs!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 14, 2010, 20:28
And mine. 8) :D
Ha - he only offered you quarter of a million?  He offered me 5 million.  I think you were "had".
... Just waiting for the transfer now and then I'll be off on holiday.   ::)

Would you like to borrow a bike? I have a spare.  ;)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 16, 2010, 00:48
My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on July 16, 2010, 09:14
I keep spinning around shouting 'BANG BANG'

I think I must have Turret syndrome   :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on July 16, 2010, 13:13
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on July 17, 2010, 21:58
A blonde arrived at the casino. She bet 20k. She said, 'I feel much luckier when I'm nude'.With that, she stripped,rolled the dice, she jumped and squealed 'YES! I WON' then picked up her winnings and her clothes and left. The dealers stared at each other. Finally one of them asked, 'What did she roll''I don't... know,I thought you were watching'.

MORAL - Not all blondes are dumb
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 17, 2010, 22:00
 :lol:  :lol: That's a good'un Jamie..........and a good lesson to learn ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on July 18, 2010, 09:39
:lol:  :lol: That's a good'un Jamie..........and a good lesson to learn ;)

Be sure to let us know how you get on MOS :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on July 18, 2010, 11:20
For my son's birhtday we bought him an iPod
For my daughter's birthday we bought her an iPhone
My birthday I was over the moon with an iPad,

so, thinking along the same lines for my wifes birthday I bought her an iRon,

that's when the fight started. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 18, 2010, 13:06
 :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on July 18, 2010, 14:51
Paddy is booking into a guest house and looking around reception notices a sign on the wall,

He says to the owner,

"What time do YOU get in by?".

The owner looks confused and says,

"Well, I AM the owner and I live here, Why do you ask?"

Paddy says,

Well, on that sign there, it says guests have to be in before you!".

The owner says,

"No, stupid!, it says  that guests must be in before 1 am" :lol: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on July 18, 2010, 22:15
Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes,
that way,
when you do criticise them,
your a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on July 19, 2010, 14:02
Sign in the kitchen of a service station 40 years ago.

People are like birds, from a distance beautiful -


Close up, those sharp beaks, those beady little eyes.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 19, 2010, 14:31
non-PC joke from my favourite Oz-dwelling ex-bootneck:

A Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my Ute, and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' said the Manager, sounding a little exasperated.

'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

You there Boss?'
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on July 20, 2010, 09:33
HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient
is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number
of the patient?"

The grandmother in her
weak, tremulous voice said,

"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,

"Let me put you on hold while I check with
the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,

"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is
doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged
tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me <<expletive deleted>>."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on July 20, 2010, 11:18
What do you call a cat that's just eaten a duck?

A duck-filled-fatty-pus!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on July 20, 2010, 11:30
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to dye her hair so she would like a brunette.  One day she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"  The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."  The farmer was amazed - she was right!

So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.  Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on July 20, 2010, 11:31
I really must learn to read - just posted a joke and discovered it was already on ... honest, I'm not a trainee blond derrrrr.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 20, 2010, 14:50
I really must learn to read - just posted a joke and discovered it was already on ... honest, I'm not a trainee blond derrrrr.

Never mind.... it happens to the very best of us - well, me, anyway  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 20, 2010, 14:51
The time to worry is when it was you that posted it the first time as well  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 20, 2010, 14:55
The time to worry is when it was you that posted it the first time as well  :lol:

Fortunately (?) my memory is not so good that I would remember!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on July 22, 2010, 13:42
A woman came home from a visit to the doctor and said to her husband 'the doctor says I have the breasts of a 20 year old' the husband said 'what did he say about your 40 year old bum'  the wife replied 'oh, he never mentioned you'      :ohmy: :ohmy: Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on July 23, 2010, 07:47

A woman came home from a visit to the doctor and said to her husband 'the doctor says I have the breasts of a 20 year old' the husband said 'what did he say about your 40 year old bum'  the wife replied 'oh, he never mentioned you'      :ohmy: :ohmy: Mrs Bouquet

MRS BOUQUET!! If I had said that I would have been in BIIIIIIG trouble. :ohmy: :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on July 23, 2010, 08:53
Indeed you would HP  :lol:

Mrs B - shame on you  :ohmy: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on July 23, 2010, 11:21
Indeed you would HP  :lol:

Mrs B - shame on you  :ohmy: :lol:

But very funny though... made me (and hubby) laugh out loud!  ;) :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on July 23, 2010, 14:40
Funny! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on July 23, 2010, 23:35
Something has happened down on the allotment.

Someone has secretly tipped some topsoil.

Who could have done this?

The plot thickens ...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on July 23, 2010, 23:37
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on July 26, 2010, 21:38

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 27, 2010, 12:04
The Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in  Long Beach California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, some honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in  Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from  Harare to  Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an  Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a  New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The  Ann Arbor Micihigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in  Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a  Seattle Street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!***

They also vote........
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on July 27, 2010, 18:10
 :lol: :lol: :lol: Those are so funny
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on July 27, 2010, 18:35
Paddy has just got his second question right on Who wants to be a millionaire and is now on £200.
Chris Tarrant says here is your 3rd question for £300.

"who was the great train robber?"

A. Ronnie Biggs
B. Ronnie Corbett
C. Ronnie Barker.

Paddy says,

"Well Chris, I've had a lovely day & I'm going to take the £200",

Chris says,

"Are you stupid or what, you still have all your lifelines left"

Paddy says,

" I might be stupid, but I'm not a grass".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on July 27, 2010, 18:43
Murphy is on Who wants to be a millionaire and is on his final question for £1 million.

Chris says to Murphy,

" You have only 1 lifeline left, phone a friend, who do you want to ring?"

Murphy says

"I'll ring Paddy"

Murphy says to Paddy

"Which bird doesn't build a nest,

A. sparrow
B. Swallow
C. Cuckoo"



Paddy says

" 100% sure it's a cuckoo, yes definitely, it's a cuckoo"

Murphy wins the million and a few days later he sees Paddy and asks him how he knew the correct answer.


Paddy says,

"Are you stupid or what?, it's the only one that lives in a clock".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 28, 2010, 01:01
 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on July 28, 2010, 01:40
Keeping up with the changing times, Mattel corp will begin selling a new "Divorced Barbie."

It comes with all of Ken's accessories.



At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.

During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gypsy on July 28, 2010, 09:27
My big brother gave me away at our wedding 35 yrs ago, he gave my hubby a few books of green shield stamps as well saying "here she comes with these"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 28, 2010, 15:04
My big brother gave me away at our wedding 35 yrs ago, he gave my hubby a few books of green shield stamps as well saying "here she comes with these"!

What! No 10 year warranty?  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 28, 2010, 15:13
One of my wife's oppos was given away by her kid brother.
He shouted out "She fancies your mate, really!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fred Quimby on July 29, 2010, 13:37
Col du Tourmalet

Paddy and Murphy wanted to race up the Col du Tourmalet just like the Tour de France. Paddy said to Murphy "If I get to the top first I am going to write my name in chalk across the road just like the pros."

Murphy replied "If I get to the top first I'll rub it off."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Debz on July 29, 2010, 13:40
Why did the chicken cross the playpark ...

To get to the other slide.

Don't know if it has been on here before but I liked it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on July 30, 2010, 16:58
A Laurel and Hardy moment,

i was getting a microwave oven (heavy) out of the roof space yesterday sliding the said lump down the loft ladder in a stout cardboard box. Backing down the ladder a few steps arms fully extended my jeans decended to my ankles leaving me stuck halfway down holding a half hundredweight above my head.

Another fine mess,

 or as Homer would say DOH !

Belt and braces next time. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on July 30, 2010, 19:46
Reminds me of a few years ago when we had been to a concert at Osbourne House.  The concert had finished and we were all making our way back to the car park.  The 'gentleman' in front of us was as fully laden as the rest of us with chairs, table, cold box and other assorted picnic stuff.  We were walking across the car park when he started singing ' my shorts are falling down, my shorts are falling down' . And fall down they did exposing all he had to offer!  Nobody could do anything as we were as laden as him!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on July 31, 2010, 15:57
Our Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory  compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the one s with memory problems may have difficulty.  Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.   

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
 
 


1. What do you put in a toaster?


 


 


 




 


Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.

 

If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 


 



2.   Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?





 


 


Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the ne xt question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.





 



3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?


 



Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.  If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.



 
4 Without using a  calculator - You are driving a bus from London to

Milford Haven in Wales .   In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In   Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven   .. 


Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?




 



 


Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?

   It was YOU driving the bus!!


If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.


PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on July 31, 2010, 16:16
Very good agingchick!

(Yes, I did do the test; let's just say it's nice to be "normal"!!)   ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on July 31, 2010, 19:59
Who am I?? :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 31, 2010, 20:21
Who am I?? :ohmy:

Not the foggiest......and I got full marks and only cheated once twice as Mrs L wandered in and started nattering part way through so I got confussled.  :tongue2:

Who am I?  No. I didn't ask that. Was it you?  :wacko:  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 01, 2010, 09:12
one day an eagle was sat on a branch high up in a tree doing nothing.along came a rabbit who said to the eagle,"can i sit around doing nothing,"so the eagle says"sure why not,"
so the rabbit settles on the ground below the eagle.

all of a sudden a fox comes out of nowhere jumps on the rabbit and eats him.

the moral to this tale is:TO BE SITTING DOING NOTHING YOU MUST BE VERY VERY HIGH UP.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 01, 2010, 09:24
talking to one of the sunday papers,david beckham denies he's finished,he said im English not Scandinavian,
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Oddpod on August 02, 2010, 12:52
liked this:

 _zmwRitYO3w

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 02, 2010, 15:51
(http://hamstergbert.zoomshare.com/files/ModelSecurityad.jpg)

every home should have one...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rockyracoon on August 04, 2010, 20:11
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud .
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
__________________
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on August 04, 2010, 21:31
Sorry, Aunt Sally, I knew you would probably be angry - I think it  was just to let you all know I am back, although, you will all know, it was a hospital joke, and it was told to me by my 'leading consultant'  !!!!!  :D Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Starling on August 04, 2010, 22:54
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud .
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
__________________

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on August 05, 2010, 00:42
Heard on "QI" last night - what do the Welsh call a sheep tied to a lamp post?  A leisure centre!!  Made me and child giggle anyway :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gypsy on August 05, 2010, 09:39
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on August 05, 2010, 10:16
Do not throw stones at this sign.

one of my favourites. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 06, 2010, 07:29
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'


Sits back and waits for it to be removed, sorry mods but my laughter overtook my.........

Mark
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 07, 2010, 07:55
police in ireland today found a mass grave of snowmen,after further investigations it turned out to be a field of carrots......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on August 07, 2010, 07:58
police in ireland today found a mass grave of snowmen,after further investigations it turned out to be a field of carrots......
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 07, 2010, 08:32
a group of us went out for an indian meal last night,and for a bet my mate started snorting chilli powder.he then collapsed at the table and slipped into a korma.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 07, 2010, 08:40
a group of us went out for an indian meal last night,and for a bet my mate started snorting chilli powder.he then collapsed at the table and slipped into a korma.

Did you phone for an ambulance and tell em to curry up
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 07, 2010, 13:49
a group of us went out for an indian meal last night,and for a bet my mate started snorting chilli powder.he then collapsed at the table and slipped into a korma.

Did you phone for an ambulance and tell em to curry up

i did but naan turned up :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 07, 2010, 13:53
because of too much argy bhaji in the high street :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 07, 2010, 14:57
Sure it was a korma and not Chicken Tarka (it's like Chicken Tikka but otter!)







(Yes I know, but some are new here and some hopefully have terrible memories!)  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 07, 2010, 17:57
police in ireland today found a mass grave of snowmen,after further investigations it turned out to be a field of carrots......

Several minutes later (well - seconds really) I got that  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on August 07, 2010, 18:11
I still don't get it    :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 07, 2010, 18:48
Niether did the paddy police.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on August 07, 2010, 18:49
Oh dear.

What do you use as a nose on a snowman?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 08, 2010, 12:35
first snowman to second snowman: "Can you smell carrots?.........."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 08, 2010, 12:38
A Cessna light aircraft crashed into a cemetery just outside Dublin yesterday.
Irish police announce that they have so far recovered 1142 bodies from the crash site.  The operation is continuing....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on August 08, 2010, 19:22
Another test for "whether you've still got your marbles"...

Q. 1 How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
scrolll down...

















A: open the door, put the giraffe in, then shut the door.

Q.2  How do you get an elephant in the fridge?
Scroll down....






















A: Open the door, get out the giraffe, put the elephant in, shut the door.


Q.3  The Lion, King of the Jungle, calls a conference. All the animals attend except one.  Which one?
Scroll down.....


























A: the elephant - you left it in the fridge.

Q. 4  Someone who wants to attend the conference has to cross crocodile-infested waters to get there.  How does he do it?


















A.  Swim across - all the animals are at the conference, including the crocodiles.... you didn't forget did you?


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on August 08, 2010, 20:40
police in ireland today found a mass grave of snowmen,after further investigations it turned out to be a field of carrots......

It's taken me until now to work this one out ... sorry, lots of blond moments collected together here!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 09, 2010, 01:48
police in ireland today found a mass grave of snowmen,after further investigations it turned out to be a field of carrots......

It's taken me until now to work this one out ... sorry, lots of blond moments collected together here!

Worth it though... eh?  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on August 09, 2010, 18:18
Oh dear.

What do you use as a nose on a snowman?

Aaaahhhhhh  ::) 8) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dabhand on August 11, 2010, 20:01
New Element Discovered!

A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. 

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. 

Researchers at other labs indicated that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as universities, government agencies, large corporations, and schools. The element can be found in the newest, best-appointed, and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration, and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years.  It does not actually decay, but instead undergoes reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange place. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increased after each reorganization
due to some morons becoming neutrons, forming isodopes.

This moron-promoting characteristic has led some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a
certain quantity in concentration. 

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You'll know it when you see it...
Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results are not promising

 

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 12, 2010, 03:21
With the cuts being planned nationally it could be a very small particle   :(  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 12, 2010, 15:26
Short Neurological Test

   


   1 - Find the C below, Please do not use any cursor help.   


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2 - If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist.  Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!
                                      If you can't - a trip to the opticians should put it right.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 12, 2010, 18:30
New Element Discovered!

A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. 

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. 

Researchers at other labs indicated that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as universities, government agencies, large corporations, and schools. The element can be found in the newest, best-appointed, and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration, and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years.  It does not actually decay, but instead undergoes reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange place. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increased after each reorganization
due to some morons becoming neutrons, forming isodopes.

This moron-promoting characteristic has led some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a
certain quantity in concentration. 

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You'll know it when you see it...
Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results are not promising

 



Are you sure its proper name is not Headteacher!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: SkipRat on August 13, 2010, 00:15
Because of my mood swings, my wife has bought me a new Mood Ring. I,ve worn it for three weeks now and we,ve concluded that if it turns green it means i,m in a good mood, but if i,m in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on her fore head.... :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 13, 2010, 01:15
"Are you sure its proper name is not Headteacher!!"

Whoops, horsepooisgood....  :ohmy:  :blink:

                                           extra homework for you then!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 13, 2010, 09:40
How many Manx people does it take to change a light bulb?

None - they don't like change on the Isle of Man  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on August 13, 2010, 09:58
That's factual John not a joke  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on August 13, 2010, 10:15
how many psychoanalyists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has really got to want to change  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: TheEnglishman on August 13, 2010, 10:47
Ok - if we're doing lightbulb jokes...


Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in bulbs of any sort.


Q: How many forum users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to post 'How to change a lightbulb'. One to ask to be sent pics on how to do it. Eight more to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a lightbulb.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 13, 2010, 10:55

Q: How many forum users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to post 'How to change a lightbulb'. One to ask to be sent pics on how to do it. Eight more to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a lightbulb.

That's too true  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on August 13, 2010, 11:06
how many teenage girls to change a light bulb?

Just one, she holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around her  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 13, 2010, 11:13
that is factual as well!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 13, 2010, 11:23
OK - How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?


None - it's a hardware problem  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 13, 2010, 11:31
but that's true as well :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on August 13, 2010, 11:37
how many council staff to change a lightbulb?

no one is really sure - it goes something like this...

19 to ingore it, it's someone elses job
2 to report it as a health and safety issue
1 to fill in the health and safety report
2 to be on sick leave and unable to process the paperwork
3 to take part in the paper trail
1 to fill in the requisition form
2 to authorise it
3 more to take part in the paper trail
1 to recieve the requisition form and delegate the job
1 to be on sick leave and not available to do the job
3 more to take part in the paper trail
1 to complete the new requisition form
2 to authorise it
1 to recieve the requisition form and delegate the job
1 to be ready to do the job but not trained to use a ladder safely...


Aaaarghhhhh!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on August 13, 2010, 11:39

Q: How many forum users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to post 'How to change a lightbulb'. One to ask to be sent pics on how to do it. Eight more to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a lightbulb.

That's too true  :D

I thought it more wnet on the line of, (and play spot yourself & others here, folks):

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 13, 2010, 11:45
You missed the member trying to advertise his own lighting business...I think, or has that already been deleted by a mod?  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: TheEnglishman on August 13, 2010, 11:46
but that's true as well :D

No it isn't - It's a firmware issue.   You need to upgrade to version 3.6544.2577.1a

  :tongue2:



Anyroads - something more topical...

A little old lady goes into the butcher shop and says, "I don't know what to serve my family for dinner."
The butcher says, "How about some cow's tongue?"
She says, "Are you insinuating that I'd eat something that's been in a cow's mouth?"
The butcher says, "Well I saw you in the grocery store this morning buying eggs..."


And DD - you've been a moderator way too long  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on August 13, 2010, 11:50
That's brill DD. Which one are you?  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 13, 2010, 11:58
How many Microshaft developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they just declare that darkness is the new industry standard.

How many iPhone users does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they just sit in the dark for ever, searching screen after screen for a iBulbChange app....

How many mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, you go off with all your fancy friends.  Don't worry about me.  I'll be all right.  Here on my own.  In the dark....

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A fish.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on August 13, 2010, 12:03
How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

- None. The seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 13, 2010, 12:07
 :lol:  :lol: DD !!

(You forgot the poster who doesn't believe we should be using light bulbs at all and offers detailed instructions on how to grow your own carbon-neutral candles!)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on August 13, 2010, 12:45
That's brill DD. Which one are you?  ;)

Having done an electical apprenticeship at Thorn Lighting, it has to be:

"2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp""

'cos it's true.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 13, 2010, 15:12
I bet you even know the difference betwen a fuse and a fuze!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 13, 2010, 15:47
That's brill DD. Which one are you?  ;)

Having done an electical apprenticeship at Thorn Lighting, it has to be:

"2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp""

'cos it's true.

"Lamp" it is.... confuses little-uns in their science tests though  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on August 13, 2010, 15:50
"Bulb" is just the glass bit, or "envelope".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on August 13, 2010, 17:42
Paddy walked into a barn and caught Shamus doing a sexy dance in front of a large piece of farm machinery.

"Shamus", shouted Paddy,

"what on earth areyou doing?",

"Oh it's ok", replied Shamus,

"me and the missus are having a few marital problems, and the marriage guidance councellor said that if I wanted to turn my wife on, I should do a sexy dance to a tractor"



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 13, 2010, 18:09
how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb.....fish
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 13, 2010, 18:21
how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb.....fish

How long will it take Dave to wake up and notice that Hamstergbert posted the same gag on the previous page?  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 13, 2010, 18:56
I don't think dave wakes up  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on August 13, 2010, 21:33
He's obviously 'in the dark'  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 13, 2010, 23:36
Paddy walked into a barn and caught Shamus doing a sexy dance in front of a large piece of farm machinery.

"Shamus", shouted Paddy,

"what on earth areyou doing?",

"Oh it's ok", replied Shamus,

"me and the missus are having a few marital problems, and the marriage guidance councellor said that if I wanted to turn my wife on, I should do a sexy dance to a tractor"





What harrowing experience!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: TheEnglishman on August 13, 2010, 23:40
Paddy walked into a barn and caught Shamus doing a sexy dance in front of a large piece of farm machinery.

"Shamus", shouted Paddy,

"what on earth areyou doing?",

"Oh it's ok", replied Shamus,

"me and the missus are having a few marital problems, and the marriage guidance councellor said that if I wanted to turn my wife on, I should do a sexy dance to a tractor"





What harrowing experience!

It's the way he tills them  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 13, 2010, 23:42
Paddy walked into a barn and caught Shamus doing a sexy dance in front of a large piece of farm machinery.

"Shamus", shouted Paddy,

"what on earth areyou doing?",

"Oh it's ok", replied Shamus,

"me and the missus are having a few marital problems, and the marriage guidance councellor said that if I wanted to turn my wife on, I should do a sexy dance to a tractor"





What harrowing experience!

It's the way he tills them  :blink:

We could plough on with this one for ages  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Carla on August 13, 2010, 23:52
“In English,” the lecturer said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 14, 2010, 00:21
“In English,” the lecturer said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Sometimes the simplest statements are the most powerful  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on August 14, 2010, 09:14
The improved National Health Service.

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists are scratching their heads, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were p****d off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**eholes in London !!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on August 14, 2010, 12:02
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 15, 2010, 07:23
how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb.....fish

How long will it take Dave to wake up and notice that Hamstergbert posted the same gag on the previous page?  ::)  :lol:

yaaawwn,did some one say something? oh sorry :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 15, 2010, 14:39
they are going to make a film about harold shipman starring robert de niro

the old dear hunter
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 15, 2010, 15:05
they are going to make a film about harold shipman starring robert de niro

the old dear hunter

OUCH! I feel really guilty for smiling  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 15, 2010, 18:32
they are going to make a film about harold shipman starring robert de niro

the old dear hunter

Dave, you will never go to heaven,  see you in the warm place then... :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on August 18, 2010, 12:51
Woman says to her husband,

" you only ever want to make love to me when you're drunk,"

Husband replies,

" that's not true, sometimes I want a Kebab." :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: TheEnglishman on August 19, 2010, 17:23
Some of you are wondering about plot security.  Well some Canadian's have a novel idea...


http://www.vancouversun.com/news/Friendly+bears+greet+police+executing+search+warrant/3417084/story.html

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

the racoon bit just finished me off!    :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 19, 2010, 20:26
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like"?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it".

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying,

'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. ..'

Oh God, I hope no blondys read this  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on August 19, 2010, 20:36
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like"?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it".

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying,

'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. ..'

Oh God, I hope no blondys read this  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
I think it's spelt Blondie. A brilliant original Punk Group from the late 70's ;) ;) :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 19, 2010, 20:46
I think you better duck for cover HPisgood  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 19, 2010, 20:46
Some of you are wondering about plot security.  Well some Canadian's have a novel idea...


http://www.vancouversun.com/news/Friendly+bears+greet+police+executing+search+warrant/3417084/story.html

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

the racoon bit just finished me off!    :lol:

I've now got a vision of a bunch of bears staggering around with "Don't bogart that joint, my friend" playing in the background  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 19, 2010, 21:00
I think you better duck for cover HPisgood  :ohmy:

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze tell me Auntie has not got yellow hair!!

Blondys was for effect, oh well. :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on August 20, 2010, 10:35
This blonde thought it was funny. :lol: :lol: :lol:

My GP has a blonde wife and last time I saw him we discussed 'blonde' jokes (yes, they have them here too) and he said he always told his wife "You may say 'I believe' but you can't use the phrase 'I think'."  The Gaffer told him he was a very brave man.  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 22, 2010, 12:48
                                      LIFE BEFORE COMPUTERS!

Memory was something you lost with age...

An application was for employment...

A programme was a show on tv...

A cursor was someone who swore a lot...

A keyboard was a piano...

A web was a spiders home...

A virus was the flu...

A hard drive was a long journey down the motorway...

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived...

And if you has a 3" floppy...well you just hoped and prayed nobody found out.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 22, 2010, 12:53
 :lol:  good'un dave  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on August 23, 2010, 07:45
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D 'specially the last one. :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 23, 2010, 08:44
what do mexicans do when they are cold?


they use chicken fajitas
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on August 23, 2010, 16:47
what do mexicans do when they are cold?


they use chicken fajitas

Groan  :wacko:

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 23, 2010, 17:05
what do mexicans do when they are cold?


they use chicken fajitas

OK, I give in - I just don't get this one :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 23, 2010, 17:14
fajitas....pronounced faheaters  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 23, 2010, 17:23
fajitas....pronounced faheaters  ::)  :lol:

GROAN!!!

Not how you pronounce it in the American diner in Stoke - Fah gi (as in gin) tahs. You need to know the potteries accent to really appreciate it :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 23, 2010, 17:58
Now I'm not saying these are funny but.........I thought I'd share them anyway :blink:


Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on August 23, 2010, 18:12
Are you sure that wasn't the bottom ten list ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: TheEnglishman on August 23, 2010, 19:10
Are you sure that wasn't the bottom ten list ;)

The bottom ten were truely awful.

I did like the Vanessa Feltz one though.  He says having just scoffed a packet of Jaffa cakes.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 23, 2010, 22:10

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

Oh I love that one..  :D :D :D :D

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 24, 2010, 19:29
all men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs....

the problem is that after a few years the nympho leaves but the maniac does'nt
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 24, 2010, 19:31
but most women just wish he would  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 24, 2010, 23:35
M.O.S, you obviously have never met Mr Right yet then....

Mr. Right
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Carla on August 24, 2010, 23:45
It wasn't until I married Mr Right, that I realised his first name was 'Always'
Groan  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on August 25, 2010, 19:07
It wasn't until I married Mr Right, that I realised his first name was 'Always'
Groan  ::)

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on August 26, 2010, 00:33
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on August 26, 2010, 09:17
love them  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on August 26, 2010, 11:56
 :lol: :lol: :lol:  Really like 'adults' 1.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: evie2 on August 26, 2010, 22:56
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Adult 1 is so true :D


Just read them out to OH, he was ok till I got to adult 1.....don't drink, eat cheese biscuits and laugh you choke  :blink: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 27, 2010, 00:16
Adult ones = excellent!!  ;)

Perhaps we could add a few to the list?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 27, 2010, 08:59
Adult ones = excellent!!  ;)

Perhaps we could add a few to the list?

OK!

Middle age is when you look to check the value of a dropped coin on the pavement before deciding whether to pick it up or not (but have to adjust your specs first to actually see it properly!)   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: evie2 on August 27, 2010, 10:40
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

So it was you watching me in the supermarket yesterday :tongue2: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on August 27, 2010, 15:27
NEWS FLASH!!!!

The dead MI6 agent found  in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd.

He is thought to have been stabbed and put in a hot bath first.

Police are treating it as a

"Boil in the bag Shepherd Spy!!".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 27, 2010, 17:31
NEWS FLASH!!!!

The dead MI6 agent found  in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd.

He is thought to have been stabbed and put in a hot bath first.

Police are treating it as a

"Boil in the bag Shepherd Spy!!".
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 27, 2010, 18:50
NEWS FLASH!!!!

"Boil in the bag Shepherd Spy!!".

Why can I not stop laughing :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mower man on August 27, 2010, 22:44
           Diets:

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco`s buying a large bag of purina dog
food for my daughters springer spaniel and was in the checkout queue
when a woman behind me asked if i had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant ? So, since I`m retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn`t have a dog, I was
starting the purina diet again. I added that I probably shouldn`t
I ended up in hospital last time, but that I`d lost 2 stones before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. the food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again ( I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled
with my story. )

Horrified , she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish setter`s rear and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

I`m now banned from that Tesco
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on August 28, 2010, 08:01
Thanks mowerman I've just splurted my breakfast over the computer laughing!!!
Brilliant.
 :D :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 28, 2010, 08:16
BBC NEWS "CHILEAN MINER PROPOSES FROM UNDERGROUND"

They have got to get these poor fellas out, they are obviously losing their minds.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: TeaPots on August 28, 2010, 09:36
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: evie2 on August 28, 2010, 09:42
           Diets:

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco`s buying a large bag of purina dog
food . . . . . . . . . . . . I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

I`m now banned from that Tesco



 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D splutter, splutter, Frosties everywhere  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Slowgrind on August 28, 2010, 09:46
Stunner mower man!!!  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on August 28, 2010, 09:54
Is this what you'd call a shaggy dog story? :ohmy: Or cereal humour? :wub:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on August 28, 2010, 11:26
Am still having a quiet chuckle about the field of snowmen, how sad is that!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on August 28, 2010, 11:33
More blond jokes and apologies if you've heard them before:

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge!

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever!

Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!

Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
A: She threw out all the W's!


A blonde comes home to find her husband in bed with a redhead. She grabs a gun and holds it to her own head. The husband begs her not to shoot herself. The blonde shouts at her husband, ‘Shut up! You’re next!’



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 28, 2010, 15:40
A blonde criminal mastermind.... well, anyway, a blonde criminal kidnapped a ten year old lad.  She gave him the ransom note and sent him home with it.
Next day the lad came back to the blonde criminal with his mother's response of "I can't live without my son - how could you be so cruel to a fellow blonde!"


Feller out on a ramble cannot make head nor tail of his map and, eventually, admits defeat.  Looking round he espies a blonde, working on her vegetable patch.
"Excuse me!" he says.  "Where does this footpath go?"
The blonde looks at him.  "Doesn't go anywhere.  Stays right there on the ground in front of the allotments!"
He sneers.  "What a stupid answer.  Serves me right for asking a blonde!"
She smiles at him.  "I am a blonde.  I may be stupid, opinions differ. But one thing for certain - I aint lost!"


Two blondes went to Battersea Dogs Home and each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friends was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?" 
This led to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours." 
The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing." 
"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.   After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars. 
Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."
"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. 
After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

 
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosties back in the box."

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on August 28, 2010, 16:27
Ha ha ha, love the last of those blonde jokes!!!


I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on August 28, 2010, 16:44
And now a few for the girls...

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys TWO cases of beer.

Women over thirty are at their best, but men over thirty are too old to recognise it

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved"

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90

And finally...

What's the best way for a woman to get rid of excess fat?
Divorce him.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 28, 2010, 20:39
"Do you wakke up grumpy in the mornings?"
"No, I usually just let him sleep."



The death bed scene.
"Darling, when I go, and I am fading fast, I want you to remarry.{cough cough}"
"Don't be silly darling, you are going to get better!"
"No, I feel I am going.  Like I say, I want you to remarry.{cough cough}  Promise me?"
"You are being silly, but to calm you then, yes, I promise that if - and it is not going to happen of course, but IF you should die, I will meet your wishes and remarry.  Eventually."
"Good.  I want you to promise that affter you remarry you will give her all my jewellery too."
"Oh, darling, you really are a silly!  However, to keep you calm I agree, reluctantly, that if, and it is a huge if, IF you should in fact.....pass away then yes, I will remarry and yes, if you insist, I will give her your jewellery too.  Not that it is going to happen."
"Fine. {cough, cough}  And I want you to give her my little car too."
"I don't suppost there is any point in trying to argue is there? No.  Okay, darling, if, and boy is that an absolutley immense if, IF you should in fact pass over and join the choir invisible then yes in accordance with your wishes I will, reluctantly, remarry eventually, and if, I mean when I do I will pass on your jewellery as you instruct and I suppose, OK, well, yes I will pass on your little car too."
"Thank you darling. {cough cough}  I am getting weaker now, I can fell myself slipping away.  Just one thing, sweetheart.  When you remarry and give your new wife all my jewellery {cough cough} and my little car, {cough} just promise me you won't let her wear any of my clothes!"
"Oh, don't worry, darling, I won't.  Besides, they don't fit her..."



and just one more blonde joke....

A blonde boards the aeroplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to the standard seating area because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again refuses, saying, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the pilot.
The pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the standard seating section. The head stewardess asks the pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the aeroplane wasn't going to Jamaica."



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on August 29, 2010, 11:31
Another Blonde is sitting in a seat on a plane, a man walks up to her and says,

"That's my seat, move," >:(

"No it isn't", says the blonde, :(

"I'm telling you, that is my seat," said the man very angrily, >:( >:(

"I'm not moving, go find yourself another seat, " said the blonde adamantly, :( :(

" OK," the man shouted at her, :mad:

" you fly the plane, then" :mad: :mad: :mad:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on August 29, 2010, 11:34
I hate women that wear loads of makeup. >:(

My ex-wife has just the right amount of foundation on her face,




She's buried under the house!! :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 29, 2010, 20:18
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


--------------------------------------------------------------------


On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"



---o0o---



On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."



----o0o---



On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."



----o0o---


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."



---o0o---



"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



---o0o---


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"



---o0o---


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."



---o0o---



From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."



---o0o---



"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."



---o0o---



Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."



----o0o---


"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."



---o0o---



"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."



---o0o---


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"



---o0o---



Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town :The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."



---o0o---



Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



---o0o---



Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."



---o0o---



An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"



---o0o---


After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."



---o0o---



Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."



---o0o---



Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."



---o0o---


A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on August 29, 2010, 23:28
 A man went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on August 29, 2010, 23:36
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on August 30, 2010, 11:08
Kulula Airlines was laugh out loud funny, an airline with humour. :D

I like the plane , http://www.psfk.com/2010/02/kulula-airplane-rebranding.html
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: evie2 on August 30, 2010, 12:03
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .

Very funny, this is going on the staffroom notice board when we go back to school  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on August 31, 2010, 21:46
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on September 01, 2010, 10:24
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


These are just soooooo true yet very funny. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 01, 2010, 17:56
Mary had a little lamb,

but she ended up putting that in the bin too
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on September 02, 2010, 08:31
Reading an article in the Radio Times has reminded me of an incident which happened to me many years ago:

I worked shifts at the time, on this occasion it was the day shift, starting at 0600.

I woke up in a panic at quarter past six, having already overslept once that week!
Threw clothes on, threw a couple of slices of bread and cheese into the lunchbox, and raced the 10 miles to work ignoring all speed limits whilst rehearsing my excuses.

It was only when I walked into the office and noticed that it was a different shift on duty that I realised that I had already done my day shift that day but was so knackered I'd gone back to bed for a couple of hours and woken up thinking it was the next day!

That took quite a bit of living down I can tell you (I had already achieved some sort of notoriety having overslept for both an afternoon shift and a night shift!!)  :nowink:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on September 02, 2010, 08:33
 :lol: :lol: poor you
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 02, 2010, 12:12
Not meaning to upset anyone, ;) but that moron of a woman :mad: :mad: who put that cat in a bin can use the excuse of blaming it on what she watched on tv as a child.




Where did Topcat live?   :tongue2: :lol: ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 02, 2010, 12:14
Bad taste joke removed by Aunty.

Think before you type me dear  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 02, 2010, 16:55
Ooops! :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 02, 2010, 19:35
A woman says to her husband,

" I wish I could have bigger breasts". :(

Her husband replies,

"Try pushing them into the settee and staying like that all day".


"Oh" replied the wife, "will that help?", ::)


"It should do", said the husband, "it definitely worked on your bum". :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 02, 2010, 20:20
GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed :)

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 02, 2010, 20:54
GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed :)

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

Bit near indeed, but not touching the knuckle!! :D :D :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dave Mack on September 02, 2010, 21:27
GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed :)

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

John send me a PM of the joke mate ... i hate to be left out  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on September 02, 2010, 21:37
GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed :)

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

Are you saying I is rampant John  :ohmy:  I didn't ban anyone  ::)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 02, 2010, 21:53
GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed :)

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

Are you saying I is rampant John  :ohmy:  I didn't ban anyone  ::)



Phwoar, now I as got a vision miss Sally :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on September 03, 2010, 17:28
Mary had a little lamb,

but she ended up putting that in the bin too

Taken me two days but I've just worked this one out!  Deeerrrrrrrr!!!! :nowink: :wacko: ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on September 06, 2010, 17:09
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow you feel better, even though you have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my chequebook off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,
so I go into the house to my desk where I find a cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all blooming day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on September 06, 2010, 21:21
Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on their belt or purse, I can't afford one
So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have
what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized
that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is
'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just
too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age,
and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when
your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
'Oh, have you got a cat? Just once I want to
'No, it's for my company to use! and see the look on their
faces.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be
notified in case of an emergency. I think you should
write, 'A Good doctor!'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do...write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage
stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while
they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they
were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.






Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 07, 2010, 07:52
Ramblings of a Retired Mind

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be
notified in case of an emergency. I think you should
write, 'A Good doctor!'


Brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 07, 2010, 10:02
I got wheel clamped outside the bank this morning.My boss went mental.

he says i'm the worst getaway driver he's ever had.


                               *                         *                           *
a bloke was stood at the bar when his mate walks in looking glum.
"Whats up with you mate,you look miserable."
"I've just been gin the sack,"he replies.
"Why's that."
"I dont know,i aint been there for two weeks."


                              *                           *                           *

I constructed a cupboard for my wife to put bed linen and towels,but while she was putting stuff in it,it collapsed and killed her

turns out i made a fatal airer.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 07, 2010, 15:01
I got wheel clamped outside the bank this morning.My boss went mental.

he says i'm the worst getaway driver he's ever had.

On you're bike!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 08, 2010, 17:27
i will never forget what my dear ol grandad said to just before he kicked the bucket.

he said,"hey boy,how far do you reckon i could kick this bucket?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on September 08, 2010, 17:39
How's the old joke go?

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my Grandfather.

Not screaming like his passengers."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 08, 2010, 19:40
How's the old joke go?

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my Grandfather.

Not screaming like his passengers."

You been studying my posts again Dave? :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on September 08, 2010, 19:41
I did admit it was an old one.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 09, 2010, 01:35
I must read this earlier in the evening - laughing too loudly disturbs the sleeping beauties in the house!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on September 09, 2010, 21:48
Little Johnny at the breakfast table,
" Muuum this boiled eggs bad can i go out to play"

Harrassed mum from the kitchen,
"there`s nothing wrong, eat it !"

Little Johnny , "but muum it IS bad ",

Harassed mum ," If you don`t finish it you can`t go out to play",

Little Johnny some time later,














"Muuum !" ..................................................  "Can i leave the beak ?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 10, 2010, 07:06
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on September 10, 2010, 09:41
That's brilliant!  :D Thanks horsepooisgood for a great Friday belly laugh  :D :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on September 10, 2010, 14:04
Sorry if this has already made it on here but I just received it in an email and it made me laugh.

 Last night, my  kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from
 a bottle.   If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

 They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine!!!!
 
The little wotsits.

Eli xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on September 10, 2010, 19:29
A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets a mate in the pub.
"How was it?"the friend asks.
"Great"
"So why have you got a leg missing?"
"It was self-catering"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 10, 2010, 19:48
A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets a mate in the pub.
"How was it?"the friend asks.
"Great"
"So why have you got a leg missing?"
"It was self-catering"
Groan :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 11, 2010, 14:00
Some more for the list of great life truths that runs through this thread as a sort of philosophical sub-thread:

1.  Good health is merely the slowest rate at which on can die.

2.  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

3.  Some people are like those 'slinky' toys - not really good for anything but you still can't help but smile when you shove 'em down the stairs.

4.  Life is sexually transmitted.  It also has an overall mortality rate of  very,very close to 100%

5.  Health nuts are going to feel really stupid someday, laid dying in hospital of nothing.

6.  In the 60s people took acid to make the world seem weird.  Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it seem normal.

7.  What you do today can be like swallowing jalapeno peppers whole.  Not always much noticeable effect immediately but you'll get your ass burned tomorrow as a result.

8.  Why does a politician's "slight tax increase" cost you £200.00 whereas the same politician's "substantial tax cut" saves you £8.47?

9.  Men have two emotions : hungry and horny.  If my towel is hanging straight, make me a cheese sandwich.

10.  If a thermos flask keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, does the mess I get from putting hot soup and an ice lolly into it for a picnic mean my one is defective?

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 11, 2010, 14:17
Brilliant  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 07:51
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


'THE TEETH.' she answered...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 07:57

The letter home that would sure put your mind at rest when the kids are away on a trip.....





Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Landrovers. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything, Scoutmaster Ted says that we are the best group he has ever had!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 07:58
10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE ☼


Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again , are thunder and lightning.


Commandment 2.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.


Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand --
And divorce is at least 100 grand!


Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year , the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year , they both speak and the neighbors listen.


Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife , you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.


Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


Commandment 7.

Before marriage ,
a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage , he will fall asleep before you finish.


Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding , economical , and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.


Commandment 9.

Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding,
economical and a considerate lover,
but again, the law allows only one husband.


Commandment 10.

Man is incomplete until he marries.
After that, he is finished.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 07:59
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.

The wife leaned over , made a wish and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish too.

But he leaned over too much , fell into the well , and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled , "It really works!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 08:01
So, in class, the teacher is giving a lesson in nutrition to the young kids, and to throw in a bit of spelling too, she asks what they had for breakfast, and to spell it.


Little Susan says "I had eggs -- E.G.G.S."

The teacher moves on to little Rose.

Rose tells her "I had toast -- T.O.A.S.T"

Johnny puts his hand up, and shouts "I had begger all -- B.U.G.G.E.R. A.L.L."

The teacher scolds Johnny, and makes a mental note that she could be in for trouble with this one.




The class moves on to Geography.

Susan can tell teacher correctly that the Capital of France is Paris.

Rose can tell teacher that the Capital of Norway is Oslo.

Deciding to put Johnny in his place quickly, she asks him the most difficult question she can.

"Johnny,where is the Pakistani border?"



Johnny ponders the question, and replies:



"The Pakistani Boarder is in bed with my mum,

- that`s why I had begger all for breakfast!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 14:09
A heart surgeon watches a mechanic strip and rebuild a bike engine. The mechanic turns to the surgeon and says "Our jobs are similar and require similar levels of skill and experience, so how come you make 5 times the money that I do?"
The surgeon smiled and said,





"try doing what you just did with the engine running".....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 14:13
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, which one are you?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Starling on September 12, 2010, 17:31
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, which one are you?'

Just woke the baby up laughing at that one  :lol: :lol:
Loved the scout one too.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on September 12, 2010, 22:43
A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking
buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as
he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
 
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress
a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his
lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened
hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before
proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he
saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he
managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
 
In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt
and his wife staring at him from across the room.
 
She said, "You were drunk again last night."
 
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her
and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
 
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could
be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes, but, mostly....
 
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 13, 2010, 08:29
Just plain magic.......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 13, 2010, 18:57
how do you get 5 charazards and 3 balbasurs on a bus?

pok-em-on
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on September 13, 2010, 19:01
groan!
at least having spent the school holidays with a 5 year old.........I understood what you were talking about  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: tedsdad on September 13, 2010, 19:15
Quasimodo walks into a bar and orders a scotch.....


                Barman:    ' Bells  alright  ? '   
   

          Quasimodo:     'What's  it to  you  ?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 13, 2010, 19:58
Quasimodo gets home and Esmerelda's got the wok out..

"Are we having Chinese, tonight?" says Quasi.

"No" says Esie, "I'm just ironing your shirts"  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dave Mack on September 13, 2010, 20:15
Boy i'm really glad you dont tell to many jokes John  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 13, 2010, 23:56
Quasimodo gets home and Esmerelda's got the wok out..

"Are we having Chinese, tonight?" says Quasi.

"No" says Esie, "I'm just ironing your shirts"  :ohmy:

I bet Quasi got the ' ump over that one!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 14, 2010, 00:15
Boy i'm really glad you dont tell to many jokes John  :lol:

Sadly I do - but lucky for you they're not fit for a family friendly forum  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dave Mack on September 14, 2010, 00:47
Boy i'm really glad you dont tell to many jokes John  :lol:

Sadly I do - but lucky for you they're not fit for a family friendly forum  :tongue2:

Yeah i know what you mean  :ohmy: thats why i haven't added any of my own  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on September 14, 2010, 19:24
There's a programme on BBC1 at 9 pm tonight called "The Young Ones"; it's about senility and how to avoid it (I think!)  :wacko:

Only problem I have is remembering to actually watch it!  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 15, 2010, 02:10
There's a programme on BBC1 at 9 pm tonight called "The Young Ones"; it's about senility and how to avoid it (I think!)  :wacko:

Only problem I have is remembering to actually watch it!  :unsure:

I meant to watch it and forgot!  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on September 15, 2010, 08:51
There's a programme on BBC1 at 9 pm tonight called "The Young Ones"; it's about senility and how to avoid it (I think!)  :wacko:

Only problem I have is remembering to actually watch it!  :unsure:

Dickie Bird often pops into our shop and he's doing well for his age but yes, his memory is sometimes a bit haphazard.  He always asks us the same question and he always gets the same answer but he's looking better than he did earlier this year. 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on September 15, 2010, 09:06
There's a programme on BBC1 at 9 pm tonight called "The Young Ones"; it's about senility and how to avoid it (I think!)  :wacko:

Only problem I have is remembering to actually watch it!  :unsure:

Dickie Bird often pops into our shop and he's doing well for his age but yes, his memory is sometimes a bit haphazard.  He always asks us the same question and he always gets the same answer but he's looking better than he did earlier this year.

He sounds as if he would be very much at home on these forums!   :unsure:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on September 15, 2010, 19:02
Forum?
Who?
What?
I can't remember, and I can't hear

 :nowink:
and I seem to be talking to myself!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 16, 2010, 17:37
a coffee machine exploded in our sainsbury today killing one person,they didnt suffer though it was instant.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 16, 2010, 23:14
a coffee machine exploded in our sainsbury today killing one person,they didnt suffer though it was instant.

Is that black humour or white with two sugars?  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on September 17, 2010, 05:50
a coffee machine exploded in our sainsbury today killing one person,they didnt suffer though it was instant.

Is that black humour or white with two sugars?  ::)
:D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on September 17, 2010, 16:38
How do you stop a mouse from drowing?

Give it mouse to mouse rescusitation!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dave Mack on September 17, 2010, 16:54
Oh dear Lizzi  ::) did you get that out of a festive cracker ... i would of said Christmas cracker but the C word is banned  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 17, 2010, 17:52
My nephew bought a Mickey Mouse outfit from the Disney shop but where there should have been the traditional two big ears, his was defective and had three!  He had to send that part of the outfit back - the return of the three mouse-kit ears......



I'll get me coat (if a certain person has knocked one up for me out of old curtains)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pottyaboutgrowing on September 17, 2010, 18:47
 :lol:Man: 'Can I have a return ticket' please?'
Railway clerk: 'Where to?'
Man 'Why back here' of course.'  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pottyaboutgrowing on September 17, 2010, 18:49
What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant??

AngusMcCoatup :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pottyaboutgrowing on September 17, 2010, 18:51
Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?
He got tiered of the holebusiness. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on September 17, 2010, 19:02


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too,"  says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that,"  says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"  explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."  "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

     
(my coat is already on)..... :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on September 17, 2010, 19:15
what is a Cannergeroot?




A scotsman stuck in a lavatory  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on September 18, 2010, 11:31
what is a Cannergeroot?




A scotsman stuck in a lavatory  :D

Wye eye man that soonds like Geordie to me!  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 19, 2010, 11:05
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 19, 2010, 15:14
Five (more) rules for living:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time,  cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to  be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on September 19, 2010, 21:15
Another good one, hamster  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 22, 2010, 20:59
Someone went into Mother-in-Laws garden yesterday and pinched a pair of her knickers off her washing line.

She is very annoyed, she doesn't want the knickers back,

Just the 48 pegs that were used to peg em out! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 22, 2010, 22:15
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on September 23, 2010, 13:27
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Obviously Keith Moon's car then. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 23, 2010, 19:37
In one of this weeks papers.................................. The lady who did the Speaking Clock has died this week :( :(  She died on the third Stroke!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on September 23, 2010, 20:13
 :nowink: :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 23, 2010, 22:45
Lets see who knows all the old Mary had a little lamb ones. Heres a starter:--

Mary had a little lamb
she milked it with a spanner
the milk came out in shilling cans
and smaller ones for a tanner.

And remember its a family forum.
(Aunty is watching)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 23, 2010, 23:58
Lets see who knows all the old Mary had a little lamb ones. Heres a starter:--

And remember its a family forum.
(Aunty is watching)

Mary had a little bike
She rode it across the grass
And every time the wheel went round
The spoke went up her  :ohmy:

Arsk
no questions
Tell no lies
Who saw the Chinaman doing up his  :ohmy:

Flies
are a nuisance
Bees are worse
This is the end of
This ridiculous verse!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on September 24, 2010, 09:54
Mary had a little lamb
It had a sooty foot
And onto Mary's new white coat
It's sooty foot he put
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on September 24, 2010, 09:56
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But never seen .................
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 24, 2010, 11:23
Mary had a little lamb,
T'was colourblind, and so
It couldn't tell the red from green
And which was 'Stop' or 'Go'.
It followed her to school one day,
(A silly thing to do)
It crossed the road against the lights
And wallop - mutton stew!


Mary had a little lamb
And so of course the Daily Mail had a scaremongering headline about Cloning and Genetic Modified Organisms the very next day
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on September 24, 2010, 11:56
i've got one  :)

Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mike1987 on September 24, 2010, 13:05
mary had a little lamb
she tied it to a pylon
50 volts went up its bum
and now its made of nylon
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 24, 2010, 15:28
And remember its a family forum.
(Aunty is watching) ;)


I'd better stay off then :tongue2: :tongue2: :D :D.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on September 24, 2010, 15:56
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 24, 2010, 16:50
Sorry, can't keep away Auntie. :tongue2: :D :D :D

Paddy's wife is involved in a bad car crash.
In the hospital she is just talking gobbledy gook and the worried doctor asks Paddy,

"is she fully compus mentus?"

"No", says Paddy,



"she is just third party, fire and theft"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 24, 2010, 17:29
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot the shepherd
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 24, 2010, 17:32
I took the dog over to the park to play frisbee with him this evening.

It was absolute rubbish.

I must get a flatter dog.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 24, 2010, 17:34
I took the dog over to the park to play frisbee with him this evening.

It was absolute rubbish.

I must get a flatter dog.

Killer!!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on September 24, 2010, 17:38
I took the dog over to the park to play frisbee with him this evening.

It was absolute rubbish.

I must get a flatter dog.

that's a good one  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 25, 2010, 00:25
I took the dog over to the park to play frisbee with him this evening.

It was absolute rubbish.

I must get a flatter dog.

Any more like that one and we're all be hounded by the RSPC eh?   :ohmy:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 25, 2010, 08:16
i have just watched a film about a couple who bought a haunted yoghurt

paranormal activia

                             *                     *                     *                       *

whats got twenty faces and three teeth

an episode of the jeremy kyle show
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 25, 2010, 09:04
Two Owls playing Pool.................................. Two hits to who :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on September 25, 2010, 09:46
Where does virgin wool come from? :)

Ugly sheep! :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 25, 2010, 15:14
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 25, 2010, 16:20
OUCH! That's a tough one  8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dave Mack on September 25, 2010, 19:01
 Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end you will have wished you had a club and spade  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 25, 2010, 21:26
the scottish commonwealth team have said,they are disgusted with the health risks they were greeted by and how badly constructed their accomodation was.

they also went on to say leaving glasgow airport for delhi was the best decision they could have made.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 26, 2010, 09:41
" Waiter waiter! There's a fly in my soup "
" I'm sorry sir you did order vegetarian "   
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 26, 2010, 11:10
" Waiter waiter! There's a fly in my soup "
" I'm sorry sir you did order vegetarian "   

"What's it doing in there?"
"The backstroke, sir!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 26, 2010, 12:23
" Waiter waiter! There's a fly in my soup "
" I'm sorry sir you did order vegetarian "   

"What's it doing in there?"
"The backstroke, sir!"
"Waiter waiter, will the pancake be long?"
"No sir, round"

"Waiter Waiter,what's wrong with these eggs?"
"I don't know sir, I only laid the table"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on September 26, 2010, 17:10
Waiter waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

Waiter waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Jackson on September 26, 2010, 17:21
My wife just told me to "Grow Up"

I replied "but its conker season"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Jackson on September 26, 2010, 17:23
A man walks into a cocktail bar and asked for a "double entendre" so the barman gave him one.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 26, 2010, 17:26
"Here, Garkon, garkon, regardez - dans ma soupe!  Le mouche!"
"Ah non, m'sieu.  C'est LA mouche!"
"Flipping heck, you've got good eyesight!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on September 26, 2010, 21:24
A man walks in to a bar.... ouch!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on September 27, 2010, 10:03
"Here, Garkon, garkon, regardez - dans ma soupe!  Le mouche!"
"Ah non, m'sieu.  C'est LA mouche!"
"Flipping heck, you've got good eyesight!"

 :D :D :D :D :D

Must take it to work to show them - don't think they'll understand though!!

Eli xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on September 27, 2010, 12:49
GABN.........

Blimey, that's bang out of order  ::)



.............I'll get me coat
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on September 27, 2010, 12:58
GABN.........

Blimey, that's bang out of order  ::)



.............I'll get me coat

Was that a joke me dear ?

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 27, 2010, 19:46
when you set off dymanite it goes bnag!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on September 27, 2010, 19:49
GABN.........

Blimey, that's bang out of order  ::)



.............I'll get me coat

just got this  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 27, 2010, 23:21
GABN.........

Blimey, that's bang out of order  ::)



.............I'll get me coat

Groan - here's your coat  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on September 28, 2010, 13:00
A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed twenty pots of Tippex this morning.

That was a big mistake.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on September 28, 2010, 13:08
groan  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on September 28, 2010, 19:36
 :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on September 29, 2010, 14:42
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

He Said 'Right Robin, get into the Batmobile!'   :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 29, 2010, 16:44
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

He Said 'Right Robin, get into the Batmobile!'   :D
Kapow :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 29, 2010, 17:16
I bought some HP sauce today...........................It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on September 29, 2010, 17:25
aelf and Nige.....groan  :blink:

Your jokes are like my macaroni..............really cheesey ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 29, 2010, 20:02
aelf and Nige.....groan  :blink:

Your jokes are like my macaroni..............really cheesey ::)
Thanks MoS.................. ;) ;)
I went to buy  some Camouflage Trousers today but I coudn't find any!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 30, 2010, 06:28
aelf and Nige.....groan  :blink:

Your jokes are like my macaroni..............really cheesey ::)
Thanks MoS.................. ;) ;)
I went to buy  some Camouflage Trousers today but I coudn't find any!!!!!!!
nige try the shop that sells car keys
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on September 30, 2010, 06:36
aelf and Nige.....groan  :blink:

Your jokes are like my macaroni..............really cheesey ::)
Thanks MoS.................. ;) ;)
I went to buy  some Camouflage Trousers today but I coudn't find any!!!!!!!
nige try the shop that sells car keys

:groan: Morning Dave! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 30, 2010, 07:12
aelf and Nige.....groan  :blink:

Your jokes are like my macaroni..............really cheesey ::)
Thanks MoS.................. ;) ;)
I went to buy  some Camouflage Trousers today but I coudn't find any!!!!!!!
nige try the shop that sells car keys

:groan: Morning Dave! :D
:D :D morning lorna
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on September 30, 2010, 07:59
Paddy and Mick were reading headstones in the cemetery. 'Crikey'!! says Paddy 'There's a chap here lived to 152' !

'Jaysus' says Mick 'What's his name?'

'Miles, from London'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on September 30, 2010, 08:30
Last night the missus found out I had replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on September 30, 2010, 09:06
Paddy and Mick were reading headstones in the cemetery. 'Crikey'!! says Paddy 'There's a chap here lived to 152' !

'Jaysus' says Mick 'What's his name?'

'Miles, from London'

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 30, 2010, 19:17
Two Aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married.
The ceremony was pants but the reception was brilliant!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on September 30, 2010, 20:27
Two Aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married.
The ceremony was pants but the reception was brilliant!!!!!!!!!!

:double groan: ::) Evenin' Nige! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 30, 2010, 20:40
Evening Lorna :D :D :D :D :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 30, 2010, 22:46
Paddy and Mick were reading headstones in the cemetery. 'Crikey'!! says Paddy 'There's a chap here lived to 152' !

'Jaysus' says Mick 'What's his name?'

'Miles, from London'

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

I loved that one too!!  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 01, 2010, 06:52
the sculpture of sir paul mcCartneys head was found at reading railway station by a homeless person and sold for£2000

this is not the first time sir paul has been picked up by a tramp who went on to make a fortune out of him.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on October 01, 2010, 07:15
 :unsure: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 01, 2010, 08:24
the sculpture of sir paul mcCartneys head was found at reading railway station by a homeless person and sold for£2000

this is not the first time sir paul has been picked up by a tramp who went on to make a fortune out of him.

 :ohmy: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 01, 2010, 09:26
Since the mother-in-law  went senile, she came to live with us :(

All she does is stands there looking at the window,

I suppose if it starts snowing I'll have to let her in the house. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 01, 2010, 10:21
I LOVE mother-in-law jokes.  Thanks for this one. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: compo on October 01, 2010, 11:17
 My mother in law is coming down for the weekend.  She's been on the roof for a while now.... :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on October 01, 2010, 11:46
Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.

The plot thickens...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 01, 2010, 12:43
I bought my Mother in Law a new Jaguar last week................................................................

It's bitten her twice already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 01, 2010, 12:44
I bought my Mother in Law a new Jaguar last week................................................................

It's bitten her twice already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 :ohmy: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on October 01, 2010, 12:47
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who got married, and at the wedding reception, toasted his mother-in-law?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 01, 2010, 12:52
:snigger:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 01, 2010, 16:23
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who got married, and at the wedding reception, toasted his mother-in-law?

My MIL is lovely - not sure I could cope with her on toast though  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 03, 2010, 08:04
A tough looking man was on our allotment site today! When he thought no one was looking he took the main gate. I didn't say anything as he might take a fence!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on October 03, 2010, 12:33
A tough looking man was on our allotment site today! When he thought no one was looking he took the main gate. I didn't say anything as he might take a fence!

that's a good one nige  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 03, 2010, 18:38
A tough looking man was on our allotment site today! When he thought no one was looking he took the main gate. I didn't say anything as he might take a fence!

that's a good one nige  :D

Thanks for "posting" that one!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 04, 2010, 19:40
The ugly vegetable.................................It grew some and it grew some more!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 04, 2010, 20:03
TAXI for Nigel.............
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 04, 2010, 21:59
As told to me by child just minutes ago:

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Te-quil-a!

(Took me a while to work it out but I got there eventually.  I must be tired) :dry:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 04, 2010, 22:53
As told to me by child just minutes ago:

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Te-quil-a!

(To me a while to work it out but I got there eventually.  I must be tired) :dry:

 :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on October 05, 2010, 08:14
I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on October 05, 2010, 10:03
As told to me by child just minutes ago:

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Te-quil-a!

(To me a while to work it out but I got there eventually.  I must be tired) :dry:

 :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 05, 2010, 10:50
I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.

GROAN!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 05, 2010, 15:49
Why is it that no matter what I do I can never please my Mother-in-Law.

I asked what she would really like for her birthday,

"I would like a coat made from animal skin," she replied.

"No problem", I told her,

so I bought her a donkey jacket!

where did I go wrong this time? :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 05, 2010, 16:16
 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 05, 2010, 18:40
What do you call a Mushroom who is the life and soul of a party?

A Fun-Gi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 05, 2010, 19:17
 ::)  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on October 05, 2010, 19:40
Don't humour them Lorna!

On 2nd thoughts ...yes......please do give them some humour ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 05, 2010, 20:17
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 05, 2010, 20:24
Don't humour them Lorna!

On 2nd thoughts ...yes......please do give them some humour ;)
Ha Ha Ha :tongue2: Humourless indeed :ohmy:
I quote...............
A tough looking man was on our allotment site today! When he thought no one was looking he took the main gate. I didn't say anything as he might take a fence!

that's a good one nige  :D

Thanks for "posting" that one!  :lol:
So there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 06, 2010, 01:50
This is mythical and deep.          Truly beautiful... 


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. 
He replied, "She called Five Horses."
 
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean...




NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on October 06, 2010, 08:17
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 06, 2010, 09:37
Smile! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 06, 2010, 17:30
Brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 06, 2010, 17:33
Apparently the Irish bobsleigh team have pulled out of the next winter olympics because they say the course is too icy,  and they want it gritting. :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 07, 2010, 09:43
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of “Blonde” jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While  her husband is off at work, she decides that she is  going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The  next day, right after her husband leaves for work,  she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy Parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He asks her if she if OK. She replies that yes she is. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are daft, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

(You'll love this...

I  know you will...)

"For  best results, put on two  coats."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 07, 2010, 10:10
Oh no!!! :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 07, 2010, 10:11
Why did the blond die in the helicopter crash?

Because she got cold and turned the fan off!  (Think about it ...) :) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 07, 2010, 10:13
Two blonds on the way to Disney Land Florida.

They see a road sign saying "Disney Land Left".

They started crying. :)


Not one of my best ones I'm afraid. :) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 07, 2010, 10:17
A blonde ordered a pizza and the waiter asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 07, 2010, 10:17
Too many blond jokes, I need to get out more - just going... :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 07, 2010, 10:34
 :D I actually know a natural blonde who had dyed her hair dark so that she's not the butt of blonds jokes any more!  ??? She isn't the brightest cookie though....  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: IlOvEtHeGaRdEnZ on October 07, 2010, 10:59
a mans walking his dog between two hurses in a funeral prosesion with a long single line of men following.
a jogger asks the man ... 'i know this is a bad time and im sorry for your loss but ive never seen sun an unusual funeral... whos in the first coffin?'
The dog walker replies ' The first one is my wife '
Jogger : 'oh im sorry how did she die?'
Dog walker: 'well, my dog attacked and killed her'
Jogger: 'oh... sorry, who's in the second coffin?'
Dog walker: 'My mother-in-law, she was trying to help my wife when the dog killed her too...'
After a long moment of silence the jogger asks in excitement 'Can i borrow your dog  :D?'.
Dog walker: 'Join the queue'...

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 07, 2010, 11:06
Excellent! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fisherman on October 07, 2010, 17:31
GUTS OR Balls ...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you off flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a*** and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions...

...Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both result ultimately in death.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on October 07, 2010, 17:35
Keep'em child friendly please folks  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on October 07, 2010, 18:52
As an antidote to all the blonde jokes (from a blonde)

How do you make a man's eyes light up  :tongue2:???


Shine a torch in his ear

If that wasn't suitable Aunti, feel free to strike it from the record.

Eli xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on October 07, 2010, 18:54
That is funny and sometimes so true Eli
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 07, 2010, 18:58
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
So he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint!  Repaint!  And thin no more!"
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on October 07, 2010, 19:10
groan  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 07, 2010, 19:44
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We make love to them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning having great fun until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a fag."

Sorry Aunty
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 07, 2010, 20:03
groan  ::)

 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on October 07, 2010, 21:38
When the border between Canada and the United States was being finalised, a joint team of Yanqui and Canuck fencing contractors set off along the 49th parallel hammering in fence posts and stringing a bit of wire as they went.   After six weeks they arrived  at a house that was slap-bang on the dividing line, absolutely exactly 50% each side.

The team had a discussion for a while and decided that in the interests of commonsense the border should take a tiny loop of a few yards, either to the north, making the house American, or to the south making it Canadian.  They were about to toss a coin but realised that perhaps the fairest thing to do would be to give the occupant of the house the choice and so they knocked on the door in search of the decision that would dictate the local boreder deviation from that day on.

The door opened and the occupant was revealed to be a sweet blonde who confirmed that yes, she was indeed the householder.   When asked whether she wanted the border to loop to the north and put her into America, or to the south and put her into Canada she replied firmly and without hesitation that the border should loop north, making her property definitely part of America.

THe team shrugged and went to get the fencing stuff, but one of them paused and asked her why she didn't even need to think about the decision.   "Easy", she replied.  "I would never make it through those freezing Canadian winters!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 08, 2010, 00:20
No more blonde jokes...... after this one.... (shame!  ::))

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 08, 2010, 11:32
Brilliant,  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 08, 2010, 11:43
A little girl went into a pet shop and asked,

"Excuthe me, do you haf any widdle wabbits?"

The shop keepers heart melted, he got down on his knees so he was at her level and said,

"Do you want widdle white wabbit,

or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit,

or maybe one like that widdle bwown one over there?"


The little girl blushed, rocked on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward
and whispered,

" I don't wealy fink my pyfon cares, do woo?" :lol: :lol:



Hope you like it, it took ages to type it. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 08, 2010, 11:55
 :D Well typed G!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 08, 2010, 11:57
Killer joke :)

ROFLOL
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 08, 2010, 12:42
try typing it and see how long it takes you,  :tongue2:

not easy when you have to mis-spell on purpose. :wacko: :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Christo on October 08, 2010, 12:48
Superbly typed G. Made me cackle.  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on October 08, 2010, 15:23
Very good!! :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on October 08, 2010, 17:03
It`s a cracker. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 08, 2010, 17:47
if vegetarians like animals so much.....why do they eat all their food?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 08, 2010, 18:22
 :ohmy:

 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on October 08, 2010, 18:30
One cold night a man is sat by the fire watching his favourite television programme. The wind is howling and all of a sudden there is a tap, tap, tap on the door. The man thinks nothing of it and gets back to his telly. Five minutes pass and there it goes again, tap, tap, tap. So in a bit of a mood he gets up and opens the door. No one there! So he goes back and sits down. Just as before there is a little tap, tap, tap on the door. Up he gets again and opens the door. A quiet little voice shouts out “down here”, the man looks down, and at his feet is a little snail.

The man says rather sternly “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” “I’m cold and hungry, can I come in and sit by the fire and have something to eat”? Says the snail. “NO”, says the man and he lifts his foot, swings it back and takes an almighty swing and kicks the snail right over the garden wall. The man sits down and gets back to his programme.

Six months pass and the man is having his lunch when he hears a little tap, tap, tap on the front door. He thinks to himself for a while and then goes to answer the door. There at his feet is the same little snail and the man says again “What do you want”? And the snail answers back in a little forlorn voice, “What did you do that for?”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Foghorn-Leghorn on October 08, 2010, 18:31
You would think that if you pulled a snail's shell off then it would be able to move faster.  I tried it but if anything it seemed to be more sluggish.



                                                                                   (sorry!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 08, 2010, 18:55
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 09, 2010, 06:29
my uncle was struck off yesterday for having sex with his patients


shame because he was a dam good vet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 08:59
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 09:19


                                           
                                   
                           -" " "-

                     ,;'( o )  ( o )';,

                     ;';.  (o o)  .;';

                   (;;' (_____)';;')

                     ";:;.,'---',.;:;



 You posh person,  you have a computer with a built in mirror. :tongue2: :lol: :lol: :lol:
                                 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 09:25
A friend of mine is dating a pair of twins.

I said,

"How do you tell them apart?".

"Not a problem", he replied,

"Julie has got long blonde hair, and Dereks got a moustache". :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on October 09, 2010, 09:29
 :ohmy:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 09:54
broke my record the other night for making love to my wife for 1 hour & 2 minutes. :tongue2: :tongue2:



then she told me that the clocks had gone forward. :( :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 10:08
Husband says to wife,

"You should wash your knickers in Slim-Fast, it might make your bum look thinner".

Next day, putting on his underpants he notices they are covered in powder,

"Have you put talc in my pants, Babe?"


"No", she replied,

"Miracle Grow" :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 10:12
A sinlge spelling mistake cost me a divorce.

I went to Amsterdam with the lads for a stag night and sent my wife a text,,


"Having the most amazing and wonderful time, wish you were her". :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 10:13
on a roll now, just trying to pick out the allowed ones!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 10:17
Husband and wife out driving, not talking to each other after a row,


Passing a field of mules and pigs, wife asks sarcastically,


" relatives of yours?"


Husband replies,



" Yes,  my in-laws".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 09, 2010, 10:19
Love 'em GTFC :)

Just don't scare the horses or upset Aunty who keeps us all on the straight and narrow!  :wub:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 10:26
Thanks John,

Trouble is I've run out of the " allowed ones", don't want to upset anyone cos I know that there are youngsters on here and that I have to be careful. ;)

just been scrolling through my folders on my mobile and I have got 156 jokes that have been sent to me, maybe 140 won't be on here,  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 09, 2010, 11:10
 :nowink: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 16:13
crowd of blokes in a pub and a woman walks past,

" I'd give her one ", said one of the blokes.

The woman turns round and says,

" I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man on earth",

The bloke says,

" Who said anything about sex, I was marking you out of ten, fatty".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on October 09, 2010, 16:25
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local chicken farm and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The farmer complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The farmer complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The farmer replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on October 09, 2010, 16:43
At a recent job interview:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?


I'm Batman.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 09, 2010, 18:41
At a recent job interview:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?


I'm Batman.

 :lol:  :lol: Up and at 'em!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 09, 2010, 18:43
Birds and Bees….
One day a kindly Grandmother offered to look after her eight year old granddaughter.
Whilst in the middle of a game the child turned and asked Granny, 'What do you call it when one person lies on top of another person?'
Granny could not believe her bad luck in having this question asked and decided to explain all about the 'birds and the bees'.

The next day, her granddaughter came round again and said, “Mummy says that it's called 'Bunk Beds' and that she's coming round to see you later!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on October 09, 2010, 21:05
 :tongue2: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 10, 2010, 10:29
Birds and Bees….
One day a kindly Grandmother offered to look after her eight year old granddaughter.
Whilst in the middle of a game the child turned and asked Granny, 'What do you call it when one person lies on top of another person?'
Granny could not believe her bad luck in having this question asked and decided to explain all about the 'birds and the bees'.

The next day, her granddaughter came round again and said, “Mummy says that it's called 'Bunk Beds' and that she's coming round to see you later!”


The proper thing to do is to give a clear scientific answer in great detail. I usually find that by the time we've got to the role of RNA in DNA duplication, with a little aside on the discovery of the double helix that children are fast asleep :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Foghorn-Leghorn on October 10, 2010, 15:02
Have you noticed how attractive women drive small cute cars?
Which reminds me, the MOT on the wife's transit is due!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 10, 2010, 15:04
 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 10, 2010, 15:21
A Woman's dog is drowning in the sea.
A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it & saves its life.

'Are you a vet?' said the woman.

'Vet?' said the German , 'I'm soaked!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 10, 2010, 15:23
 :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on October 11, 2010, 07:37
A child was put into an orphanage because his parents beet him.

When the orphanage asked him who hed like to adopt him he replied...

"The england football team, because they dont beat anyone"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 11, 2010, 07:51
Does anyone know how to retract a bid on ebay?

I just bid a fiver on a Mickey Mouse outfit and now I'm five minutes away from owning Liverpool Football Club!! :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on October 11, 2010, 09:22
A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Have you any bread?"
The astonished barman looks at the duck and replies, "Sorry this is a pub, we don't sell bread", with that the duck waddles out.

The following day the duck returns to the pub and says to the barman, "Have you any bread?"
The barman replies, "As I said yesterday, this is a pub, we don't sell bread!", with that the duck turns around and waddles out of the pub.

The next day the duck returns once again, walks up to the barman and says "Have you any bread?"
Now very irate the barman says to the duck "Are you stupid or something, I've already told you we don't sell bread, if you ask me one more time I'm gonna nail your beak to this damn bar!" The duck turns around without a murmer and waddles out of the door.

A day later and the duck returns to the pub, waddles up to the barman and says, "You got any nails?"
The barman now ready to explode says, "NO WE DON'T SELL NAILS!!!"
The duck then replies, "Good, have you got any bread?"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 11, 2010, 09:23
That's one of my favourite jokes b2bm! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 11, 2010, 16:59
 :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 12, 2010, 15:35
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the values of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'  Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love s*x. The second floor has wives that love s*x and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 12, 2010, 15:46
One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the  Scotsman said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife  and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
 
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said,  "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high".
     
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on October 12, 2010, 15:53
 :D :lol: didn't see that one coming  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dabhand on October 12, 2010, 18:57
A man goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is fat, yellow, lazy and drinks a lot and his wife Marge has big blue hair."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 13, 2010, 00:51
A man goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is fat, yellow, lazy and drinks a lot and his wife Marge has big blue hair."


 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 13, 2010, 07:46
just got that new 3D tv and its brilliant!!
i was watching the Liverpool game last week and fell asleep.....
when i woke up me wallet had been nicked!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 13, 2010, 07:49
And another thing...

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all we say.

AND...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a
single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION

They kept talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...

Why didn't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a hostile work environment.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!

I just did


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on October 13, 2010, 08:36
 :D :D :D! 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 13, 2010, 09:32
every word true ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on October 13, 2010, 15:13
WARNING: Drinking may cause memory loss.

Or worse, memory loss
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 13, 2010, 21:44

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T  -T -I -T  -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U  -L  -L -S -*-* -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bulls**t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE
SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 14, 2010, 14:27
2 statues in a park, 1 a nude man, the other a nude woman.
They'd been facing each other for 100 yrs, when, one day an angel brings them to life.

The angel says,

"As a reward for being so patient all these years, you have been given life for 30 mins to do what you wish to do the most".

They look at each other and run behind the bushes, rustling and giggling ensues.

15 mins later they return out of breath, laughing.

The angel says,

" You still have 15 mins left, would you like to do it again?"

Nude man says,

"Shall we?"

Nude woman eagerly replies,

"Oh yes, but lets change positions.   This time I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on his head".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 14, 2010, 16:09
What do you call a stolen Yam?
A hot Potato..............
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 14, 2010, 17:26
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as


PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
I just could not help it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 15, 2010, 16:46
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as


PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
I just could not help it.

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 15, 2010, 16:47
The Harley Mechanic & Heart Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when
he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was
waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a
question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc,
look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put
in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how
come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are
doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic,
"Try doing it while it's running."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 16, 2010, 17:43
Aliens are coming to Earth on Sunday and their mission is to abduct all good looking and sexy "old" people.  You will be safe; I'm just posting this to say goodbye.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on October 16, 2010, 17:47
I'll meet you on the spaceship argyllie  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 16, 2010, 18:30
Aliens are coming to Earth on Sunday and their mission is to abduct all good looking and sexy "old" people.  You will be safe; I'm just posting this to say goodbye.

Can you explain the meaning of the word "sexy" I've forgotten. What!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 16, 2010, 20:46
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 17, 2010, 12:04
sometimes when i reflect back on all the wine i drink i feel ashamed.
then i look into the glass and think about the workers at the vineyard,and all of their hopes and dreams.
if i did'nt drink this wine,they might be out of work and their hope and dreams would be shattered.
then i say to myself,"its better that i drink this wine and let their hopes and dreams come true,than be selfish and worry about my liver."

                                  *                           *                            *
when i got home last night the wife demanded i took her somewhere expensive.
so i took her to the petrol station.


                                  *                            *                             *
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 17, 2010, 18:27
the liverpool team coach was caught speeding this afternoon,a spokesman said it was the only way we could get three points.

                             *                           *                              *

what goes "ooooooooo"

a cow with no lips

                            *                            *                                *
tough game for liverpool next week.

football

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 18, 2010, 09:06
Love these jokes especially the cow one. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 20, 2010, 14:12
Sex at 75!!!  :ohmy:


I took a leaflet out of my letterbox this morning informing me that I can have sex at 75.


I'm so happy because I live at 67, and it's not that far to walk home afterwards! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on October 20, 2010, 20:27
The oldies are the goodies!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on October 20, 2010, 20:42
I haven't stuffed my face with chocolate since nineteen fifty seven.  And it is now twenty forty two - almost a quarter to nine.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 21, 2010, 13:32
Sex at 75!!!  :ohmy:


I took a leaflet out of my letterbox this morning informing me that I can have sex at 75.


I'm so happy because I live at 67, and it's not that far to walk home afterwards! :D

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on October 21, 2010, 18:37
Just heard this on "The Weakest Link", so it must be OK!  :unsure:

A man goes up to a farmhouse, knocks on the door and announces:

"Six of your hens have stopped laying!"

Farmer: "Crikey, how do you know that?"


Man: "I've just run them over in my car."


(Apologies to poultry-people; no hens were hurt during the telling of this joke!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 21, 2010, 19:00
liverpool have just made a bid for rooney after he said he wanted to play in a different league next season
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 21, 2010, 19:02
liverpool have just made a bid for rooney after he said he wanted to play in a different league next season

 :ohmy: :ohmy: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 22, 2010, 16:37
Just heard this on "The Weakest Link", so it must be OK!  :unsure:

A man goes up to a farmhouse, knocks on the door and announces:

"Six of your hens have stopped laying!"

Farmer: "Crikey, how do you know that?"


Man: "I've just run them over in my car."


(Apologies to poultry-people; no hens were hurt during the telling of this joke!)

NOw that's gone and upset someone and I'm in trouble 'cause I laughed!!  :lol:  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on October 22, 2010, 19:37
All the eggs keep being mysteriously moved around my kitchen in the middle of the night.

We suspect it is poultrygeist activity.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 22, 2010, 20:26
The wife says I'm immature........ I said that I was not going to talk about it in the Conker Season!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 18:56
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 18:58
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the editorial room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..
________________________________________
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No dodo, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is.....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 19:02
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 19:05
AN unemployed man at a JobCentre is asked: "Why haven't you looked for a job in six months?"He says: "I have a problem with my eyes - I can't see myself working."

WHAT does a Newcastle fan do after his team has beaten Real Madrid in the Champions League? Turns off his PlayStation and goes to bed.

A WOMAN stands in the nude looking in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband: "I feel horrible. I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

SOMEONE with the Midas touch has good fortune and everything they have contact with "turns to gold".

PM Gordon Brown is said to have the "Andrex touch".

Latest new: the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

Bradford & Bingley employees are dismayed they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander. A spokesman explained: "Nobody expects the Spanish acquisition."

Breaking news:
Prime Minister Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert from "Run" to "Hide".
There are only two higher alert levels in France, which are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively crippling their military.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 19:07
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws:


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time,
on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by
those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to
fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 19:11
That's how the fight started:


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....



My wife walked into the den & asked, "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, " I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a silver bathroom scale.

And that's how the fight started.....





I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time," she said.

So I asked, " How about the kitchen?"

And that's how the fight started.....





My wife and I were watching " Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Would you like to make love?'

"No," she answered.

I then said, " Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply said 'Yes.'

So I said, " Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started.....



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Stella for £14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95.


I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And that's how the fight started.....




I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. I said, "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, " Aren't you worried about the mad cow? "

I replied, "Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on October 25, 2010, 20:13
I was shopping in asda the other day when the shelf of toilet roll fell onto my head, i went to see my doctor and he says ive got soft tissue damage.

Ill get my coat ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 20:17
I was shopping in asda the other day when the shelf of toilet roll fell onto my head, i went to see my doctor and he says ive got soft tissue damage.

Ill get my coat ::)

Shall I hold it for you Jamie?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 26, 2010, 07:49
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers
...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on October 26, 2010, 08:09
Boat for sale on Ebay,

Ark Royal

No trailer.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on October 26, 2010, 15:04
I was shopping in asda the other day when the shelf of toilet roll fell onto my head, i went to see my doctor and he says ive got soft tissue damage.

Ill get my coat ::)

Shall I hold it for you Jamie?

Thanks Mark :D :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 27, 2010, 11:18
Horsepooisgood, you are brilliant.  Loved these comments. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 27, 2010, 19:27
paul the octopus was'nt dead after all,

he was just worried the sea-life centre lacked ambition,

but has now signed a lucritive five year contract.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 27, 2010, 22:54
paul the octopus was'nt dead after all,

he was just worried the sea-life centre lacked ambition,

but has now signed a lucritive five year contract.
Subtle :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 31, 2010, 10:14
BBC NEWS: airport tax to rise 55%

The only people who will be able to fly will be bankers,politicians and well funded terrorists.

what a brilliant idea.

                                    *                           *                             *

so wayne rooney went to dubai for his birthday....

he must have saved all day for that.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 01, 2010, 00:35
Alzheimer's Test
I can't remember where I got this from or if I've passed it on before!!!


How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X   
4. P_N_S   
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
 
 
 




 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   
 
Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM   
 
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on November 01, 2010, 21:36
Financial Markets
Important news for those investing in the Japanese market:
"Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on November 02, 2010, 09:31
Yes, Learner, got them all wrong.  What does that say about me?!!! ??? :) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on November 02, 2010, 09:43
I got them all wrong too ::) ::) :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 02, 2010, 10:36
I got half right half wrong..............is that worse  :ohmy:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on November 02, 2010, 11:27
Yes, Learner, got them all wrong.  What does that say about me?!!! ??? :) :D

Same here! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 15:07
Paddy and Murphy on a building site, Paddy says,

" I want the day off sick, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad".

He climbs up to the rafters and hangs upside down and shouts,

"I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"

The foreman shouts,

"You're mad, go home",

so he leaves the site.

Murphy packs up his tools aswell and starts to walk off site,


"Where do you think you are going?" asks the foreman,

"I'm going home, you don't expect me to work in the dark do you?".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 15:12
Took a girl home last night after going clubbing, we had a few drinks at mine and went upstairs.

While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed,

" I hope that's not the ugly one from last week".

The girl said what on earth was that?"


"It's ok" I reassured her,

"It's one of those stupid memory foam matresses".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 15:18
The man at the bar looked into his pint and sighed heavily.


"What's up Dave?", asked the landlord,

"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth".


"It's my 4yr old son, he has got the nextdoor neighbour pregnant" sighed Dave.


"That's impossible", said the landlord,

"No it's not", said Dave,


"The little horror stuck a pin in all my condoms".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 16:01
Little Billy and Johnny were playing in the street when Billy jumped up onto a box and started going,

"brrrmm, brrrmm, brrrmm".

"What are you doing?, asks Johnny.

"I'm being a long distance truck driver", replied Billy.

with that, little Johnny started doing pressups,

"What on earth are you doing, Johnny?", asked Billy.


"I'm making love to your wife while you are away". repiled Johnny.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 16:06
A guy was driving down the motorway with his pretty young girlfriend when she said,

"I think the family in the car next to us are from Wales"

"Why do you think that?" her boyfriend asks,

"Well the kids have written on the window and it says",

"stit ruoy su wohs".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 16:19
A woman goes to the doctors with a black eye, she says,

"It's my husband, evertime he's drunk he beats me"

Doctor says,

"the only cure is to hum, when he comes in ranting and raging just hum away to yourself"


The woman went back 2 weeks later and says,

"Doctor, that was a great idea, he hasn't hit me once".

Doctor replied,


"I knew if you stopped nagging he would stop hitting you".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 16:44
Paddy was up in front of the judge for hitting his wife again,

The judge says,

"Paddy, why do you keep beating your wife?"

Padyy replies,


"I think it's because of my longer reach, nifty footwork and weight advantage, your honour".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 16:51
An old couple sat in church, the old man nudges his wife and says,

"I've just let out a silent f**t, what should I do?"


his wife writes on a bit of paper,

"Get some new batteries for your hearing aid".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 02, 2010, 17:07
Please keep these jokes more family friendly some of them are going way too far.

Thanks
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 17:33
Aunt Sally,
do you mean mine, if so, which ones? there is no swearing or anything like that, there are worse further back along the posts.

I am only trying to cheer people up that is why I adapt the wording from what it originally is, so as not to offend. :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 02, 2010, 17:37
Sexual inuendo is not for young eyes   :ohmy:

If there are worse further back it's because I've not read them  :ohmy:

Clean and clever jokes please. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 02, 2010, 19:28
GTFC - we do have some youngsters visit the site so it's not just a matter of language. Whilst I found all your jokes hysterical, they're going a bit too far for a family friendly forum.

I know, it's as bad as finding they've let children into the pub :)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 03, 2010, 00:58
Yes, Learner, got them all wrong.  What does that say about me?!!! ??? :) :D

Same here! :D

You should worry.... I can't even remember posting it.  :lol:  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 03, 2010, 15:22
The Irish Millionaire.

Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on
'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left -phone a friend.  Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) A Sparrow
b) A Thrush
c) A Magpie
d) A Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

" Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......It's a cuckoo."   

"Are you sure?"

"I'm  sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
 
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"   

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a clock!"   
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 03, 2010, 16:09
 :) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on November 03, 2010, 16:48
 :lol: :lol:

I got excited then because i actually knew the answere to the question :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ::) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 03, 2010, 18:03
:lol: :lol:

I got excited then because i actually knew the answere to the question :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ::) :D

You could have been a millionaire Jamie  :) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 03, 2010, 18:08
Please be careful not to offend our [many] Irish members.  I find in general that they have an extremely high IQ  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on November 03, 2010, 18:19
Please be careful not to offend our [many] Irish members.  I find in general that they have an extremely high IQ  :)

Rather like blondes is that???? ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 03, 2010, 18:37
Indeed Eli  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 03, 2010, 19:12
Please be careful not to offend our [many] Irish members.  I find in general that they have an extremely high IQ  :)

I am minded of the Irish lad who in the summer vacation from Trinity College went for a job on a building site in London.  The foreman, who had a knee-jerk dislike of all Irish,  was unimpressed, didn't even look at his CV.   He just went straight onto the attack with "Ah, you Irish are all thick.  Bet you don't even know the difference between 'joist' and 'girder' now can you!"

The Irish lad shrugged.  "Of course I know the difference!" he replied mildly.  "Girder wrote 'the Damnation of Dr Faust' and Joist wrote 'Ulysses'....."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 03, 2010, 19:25
 :lol: :lol: :lol:  Good one :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 03, 2010, 21:44
John,

point taken, no problem. :) 

I think my upbringing in Grimsby was alot more open than most people. Coming from a long line of deep sea trawlermen we lived life to the full cos once you sailed out of the lockgates, you never knew if you were coming home again. :(

Apologies once again,

Mick.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 04, 2010, 00:18
Please be careful not to offend our [many] Irish members.  I find in general that they have an extremely high IQ  :)

And from my recent experience in Ireland - they are lovely people with wonderful manners and a brilliant sense of humour  :) as well as a lovely homeland to live in.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 04, 2010, 00:23
No biggie, Mick -there are times when I find it frustrating to be on my best behaviour. It's just that I don't want to lose my 'family friendly' status and find some of the automated control software is stopping kids from visiting the site to pick up gardening help.

As for Irish jokes - well for a people who are the butt of jokes implying they're stupid, they've got some of the brightest business leaders not to mention scientists.
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on November 04, 2010, 10:13
Here in Ireland they ask ...... Did you hear the one about the 'Kerryman'?
No idea who Kerry jokes are aimed at ...... probably Dublin!  :D

One absolutely true story though ..... An Irishman in Birmingham went down to the cellar to look for a gas leak ...... With a lighted candle  :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 04, 2010, 10:46
here's a joke i made up  :D

what do you call a bird who's parents weren't married ?............

a bustard.

for anyone who doesn't know a bustard is a kind of bird  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 04, 2010, 11:05
Nice one BB  :lol:



The English make jokes about Essex people (they are all thick).

Kent people make jokes about Isle of Sheppy people (they all have six fingers).

Australians make jokes about Tasmanians (not sure why).

It seem that every society has to have a focus group to stereotype and be the butt of jokes, it's just a normal part of our psychology.  In these days of "political correctness" we have lost some of our funniest jokes  :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: djeban on November 04, 2010, 11:27
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
    That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 04, 2010, 12:13
thanks Aunty  ;)

here's another one i made, not as good though.

how do lions get there meat delivered ?.......

in a "car"cass  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on November 04, 2010, 13:13
Please be careful not to offend our [many] Irish members.  I find in general that they have an extremely high IQ  :)

I am minded of the Irish lad who in the summer vacation from Trinity College went for a job on a building site in London.  The foreman, who had a knee-jerk dislike of all Irish,  was unimpressed, didn't even look at his CV.   He just went straight onto the attack with "Ah, you Irish are all thick.  Bet you don't even know the difference between 'joist' and 'girder' now can you!"

The Irish lad shrugged.  "Of course I know the difference!" he replied mildly.  "Girder wrote 'the Damnation of Dr Faust' and Joist wrote 'Ulysses'....."

 :D :lol: :lol: :D :lol: :D  I really like that one!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 04, 2010, 14:39
What’s brown and runs around the garden? …A fence.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 04, 2010, 14:41
A friend of mine, who was a keen gardener was out in his plot one day, when his neighbour popped his head over the fence and asked for some advice on planting potatoes. My friend told him that soil preparation was very important and to dig two spade depths, this being to loosen the stiff clay. Later that day, my friend looked over the fence to see how things were going, and you can imagine his surprise to see his neighbours head just sticking out of the top of this deep trench. His neighbour had thought that two spades depth meant the full spade including the handle!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 04, 2010, 14:42
One cold night a man is sat by the fire watching his favourite television programme. The wind is howling and all of a sudden there is a tap, tap, tap on the door. The man thinks nothing of it and gets back to his telly. Five minutes pass and there it goes again, tap, tap, tap. So in a bit of a mood he gets up and opens the door. No one there! So he goes back and sits down. Just as before there is a little tap, tap, tap on the door. Up he gets again and opens the door. A quiet little voice shouts out “down here”, the man looks down, and at his feet is a little snail.

The man says rather sternly “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” “I’m cold and hungry, can I come in and sit by the fire and have something to eat”? Says the snail. “NO”, says the man and he lifts his foot, swings it back and takes an almighty swing and kicks the snail right over the garden wall. The man sits down and gets back to his programme.

Six months pass and the man is having his lunch when he hears a little tap, tap, tap on the front door. He thinks to himself for a while and then goes to answer the door. There at his feet is the same little snail and the man says again “What do you want”? And the snail answers back in a little forlorn voice, “What did you do that for?”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 04, 2010, 14:43
A friend of mine mistook a tulip bulb for an onion recently. He went straight to hospital and after a short wait in casualty the doctor saw him.

“Are tulip bulbs poisonous? My friend asked the doctor.

The doctor told him that they were and he would have to be admitted the poisons unit.

“Oh dear” said my friend “How long will I be in for?”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor “You will be out by spring!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on November 04, 2010, 17:12
Australians make jokes about Tasmanians (not sure why).

I suspect it might be something to do with the quality of the english exports sent there 200 years ago ....    ???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 05, 2010, 20:59
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 05, 2010, 21:42
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:  You keep coming up with them BB  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 05, 2010, 22:09
cheers  ;)

Policeman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night."
Man: "What's the charge officer?"
Policeman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 05, 2010, 22:10
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 06, 2010, 00:45
One absolutely true story though ..... An Irishman in Birmingham went down to the cellar to look for a gas leak ...... With a lighted candle  :ohmy: :ohmy:

True story - some years back we were fitting a kitchen in Birmingham which included a gas hob. A pressure test disclosed a leak so Joe goes into the cupboard to check the joints. As he can't see well he lights a match. Kaboom!!

What really made it funny was Joe had had his hair permed and it had been somewhat singed, his face was black and Chris (the other fitter) launched into a rendition of Mammy. The customer is trying to dial 999 for the ambulance and fire (he was a bit panic-stricken) but gave up as we all dissolved into tears of laughter rolling round the floor. Happy days.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on November 06, 2010, 16:04
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 06, 2010, 23:08
What birds spend all their time on their knees ?

Birds of prey

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 06, 2010, 23:08
A pet store had a parrot they were selling as a "talking bird." A customer walked in and asked, "What does this parrot say?" The store owner replied, "Light a match under the parrot's left foot and see for yourself." The customer did and the parrot started singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way..."
"Now try the right foot," said the owner. The customer moved the match under the parrot's right foot and the parrot started singing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas..." "That's neat," the customer said. "But what if I hold the match BETWEEN the parrot's feet?" "I don't know," said the owner. "Try it." So the customer lit another match and held it between the parrot's feet. The parrot hesitated, then started singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... ::)

hope i'm not going too far ?  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Oliveview on November 07, 2010, 06:49
A man had a pet snail that he used to enter into snail races.  The snail was a champion prize winner but over the years the snail had grownbigger and therefor slower.  The man decided that the snail needed streemlining, so he did a make-over on the snail (called Henry).
The man decided Henry needed his shell removing so there was no extra weight to carry for the race.  Once Henry was de-shelled the man  asked him how he felt.  Henry replied   
' a little sluggish'
 :D
Pamela
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 07, 2010, 08:37
A pet store had a parrot they were selling as a "talking bird." A customer walked in and asked, "What does this parrot say?" The store owner replied, "Light a match under the parrot's left foot and see for yourself." The customer did and the parrot started singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way..."
"Now try the right foot," said the owner. The customer moved the match under the parrot's right foot and the parrot started singing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas..." "That's neat," the customer said. "But what if I hold the match BETWEEN the parrot's feet?" "I don't know," said the owner. "Try it." So the customer lit another match and held it between the parrot's feet. The parrot hesitated, then started singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... ::)

hope i'm not going too far ?  :unsure:


Had a good old belly laugh at that one  :D :D (hopefully Aunty will not catch up with you)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 07, 2010, 10:39
Had a good old belly laugh at that one  :D :D (hopefully Aunty will not catch up with you)

i'm glad you liked it  :) i'll try to behave myself now  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 07, 2010, 10:45
A piece of yarn walks into a bar and orders a beer, but the bartender snarls, "We don't serve your kind here!". The yarn is forced to leave.

While sitting on the curb feeling sorry for himself, the yarn is suddenly hit with a brilliant idea. Working quickly, he ties himself into a knot and unravels his ends. Taking a deep breath, the yarn marches back into the bar and orders a beer.

"Hey!" says the bartender. "Ain't you that piece of yarn I just threw outta here?"

"Nope," replies the yarn, "I'm a frayed knot."  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 07, 2010, 12:26
Three old buddies are out for a walk.

Old guy 1 says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Old guy 2 says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Old guy 3 says, "So am I. Let's go get milk shake."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on November 07, 2010, 13:13
Reminds me of the Morcambe & Wise joke:

Two old men sitting on the sand one says to the other "Nice out isnt it?"  The other replies "Oh, in that case I think I'll get mine out later then".

If you think this needs removing Auntie, I'll perfectly understand.

Eli xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 07, 2010, 13:25
Morcambe and Wise did it with a little more decorum Eli  ::)

Ernie always prevented Eric from delivering the punch line and left it to the audience's imagination - seems there's nothing wrong with your imagination.  ;)


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 07, 2010, 14:58
I really going to have to stop reading these - sides are sore from laughing.  ::) ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on November 08, 2010, 10:24
AS -  :unsure:Isn't decorum that one with Frankie Howard in it? :unsure:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 08, 2010, 10:30
Just found out that mother-in-law :tongue2: has got dementia,
bit upsetting,

 but I suppose I should be grateful for the £50 I get for my birthday every week. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 08, 2010, 12:21
40 years of marriage..

 A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,

'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered,

'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband


The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


The husband thought for a moment:

 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.


The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b......... should remember fairies are female.....

        SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH . AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN
        HANDLE IT!


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 08, 2010, 12:27
Never try and outwit your dad.


A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son:


'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your bible a little, and get your
hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,  but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,

'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

You are going to love the Dad's reply:




 To this his father replied,




'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 08, 2010, 12:57
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Two great jokes  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 08, 2010, 13:02
Told you I could be good! :tongue2:

Well, sometimes. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 08, 2010, 13:03
Keep it up me dear  ;) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 08, 2010, 13:52
Keep it up me dear  ;) :lol:

 ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 08, 2010, 17:18
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"
"No."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."

"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on November 08, 2010, 18:51
Here's  a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
 
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you -
But will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.
The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this c**p about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.
 
This is so simple that it's brilliant.
 
I can see it now:
you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 08, 2010, 18:55
I certainly wouldn't want the be an airport cleaning lady  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JamPan on November 08, 2010, 22:01
Oh dear, that made me laugh rather more than was seemly.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 09, 2010, 10:31
Oh dear, that made me laugh rather more than was seemly.

The best ones always do  :D ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 09, 2010, 18:08
another one i made up  :)

what do you call a piece of plastic that's sings very quickly for a living.....

a rapper
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on November 09, 2010, 23:34
another one i made up  :)

what do you call a piece of plastic that's sings very quickly for a living.....

a rapper

tee-he!!! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 11, 2010, 10:11
My mother-in-law has been missing for 2 weeks now, :D  and the police have told us to prepare for the worst, :D





So, I've been to the charity shop to get all her belongings back. :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 11, 2010, 23:31
My mother-in-law has been missing for 2 weeks now, :D  and the police have told us to prepare for the worst, :D


So, I've been to the charity shop to get all her belongings back. :tongue2: :tongue2:

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol: You and my OH would get one well!

I once had to go down to the town to buy something back as it was decided that I didn't want / need it any more.  :blink: It always amazes me how it's my junk things that "we" decide are not needed... rather than the OH's  ???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dellie on November 15, 2010, 13:00
Hope this one hasn't appeared before -

A woman walks into the Whitfield benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?'
'They are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all of your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he's Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one, he's also Terry.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Just what's going on? Are they ALL named the same or what?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, aye - it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just shout 'Terry!' When it's time for their dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an they all come
runnin.' An if I need to stop the wean who's running into the street, I just bawl 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's well the smartest idea I've ever had, namin them all the same eh?'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE child to come, and not the whole lot, what do you do?'

The Mother looks at her agog and says..... 'I call them by their surnames!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dellie on November 15, 2010, 13:02
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 15, 2010, 13:55
very clever, that one  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on November 15, 2010, 17:35
There realy clever :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 16, 2010, 22:10
A blonde driving her car, swerving all over the road,
Policeman driving behind her decides to pull her over,,

" can you please explain why you are driving in such a dangerous manner",  asks the ploiceman.

the blonde replies,

"because everywhere I go there's a tree in the way".

"No madam", says the officer,


"that's your air freshener". :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: eeedowls on November 17, 2010, 15:59
apologies if too near the knuckle...

Two nuns in a car driving down the street when a vampire lands on the windscreen.

"Quick, quick" says the first nun, "Show him your cross!"

So, the second nun winds down the window and says "oi you! %^*£ Off My Car"



I'll get me coat....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 18, 2010, 00:36
apologies if too near the knuckle...

Two nuns in a car driving down the street when a vampire lands on the windscreen.

"Quick, quick" says the first nun, "Show him your cross!"

So, the second nun winds down the window and says "oi you! %^*£ Off My Car"



I'll get me coat....

There are very few jokes that I remember - this is one worth remembering!  :lol:

And... it was a Headteacher's wife who told me!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on November 18, 2010, 18:35
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on November 20, 2010, 13:42
I saw this one in a magazine.
As a child, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 20, 2010, 14:51
 :lol:  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on November 20, 2010, 16:29
 :D :happy: ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 21, 2010, 08:47
I saw this one in a magazine.
As a child, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did it have a bark?  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on November 21, 2010, 09:08
I saw this one in a magazine.
As a child, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did it have a bark?  ::)
No :( It was a bit Wuff though :ohmy: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on November 21, 2010, 09:24
Two planks standing at a bus stop..................................." I'm bored " said one to the other!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on November 21, 2010, 10:32
groan  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 21, 2010, 18:51
Two planks standing at a bus stop..................................." I'm bored " said one to the other!

Hard board, card board or side board?  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 21, 2010, 20:57
Two planks standing at a bus stop..................................." I'm bored " said one to the other!

Hard board, card board or side board?  ::)

I'm guessing half-board (definitely 2 short planks and well short of a full one anyway!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on November 22, 2010, 19:18
Two planks standing at a bus stop..................................." I'm bored " said one to the other!

Hard board, card board or side board?  ::)

I'm guessing half-board (definitely 2 short planks and well short of a full one anyway!)
Who Me :ohmy: :ohmy: :mellow: :mellow:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 22, 2010, 20:37
Two planks standing at a bus stop..................................." I'm bored " said one to the other!

Hard board, card board or side board?  ::)

I'm guessing half-board (definitely 2 short planks and well short of a full one anyway!)
Who Me :ohmy: :ohmy: :mellow: :mellow:

Nope! (Hopefully my veg advice is sometimes sensible, my jokes never!)  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on November 23, 2010, 15:39
 




A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 23, 2010, 16:29
LMAO!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dirt Diver on November 23, 2010, 16:40
Nice one :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on November 23, 2010, 18:12
LMAO!

Just as well you havent been having gunpowder on your cereal MoS - there could have been another big hole!  :tongue2: (in cheek)

Eli xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 23, 2010, 18:14
 ...very true   :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 25, 2010, 00:36
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her  husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, “I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.”

The elderly lady hung her head. “To tell you the truth,” she said, “his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old s** what his name is.”

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dirt Diver on November 25, 2010, 08:53
Nice one :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 25, 2010, 16:07
What's a calorie?

Calories are the little b*****s that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.

   

MY WARDROBE IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE S****!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on November 25, 2010, 19:39
 :lol: :lol:
I have those in my wardrobe too!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 25, 2010, 20:51
are they the same bug...s that make your trousers grow too long...........unless I'm shrinking  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on November 29, 2010, 10:46
Conjunctivitis.com






That`s a site for sore eyes.









DOT DOT DOT DASH DASH DASH     i`m really sorry i did that.











Remorse code.     
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on November 29, 2010, 18:08
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on November 29, 2010, 18:19
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
That one is older than you are Jamie!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on November 29, 2010, 18:22
Yep :D :lol:

Got told it by one of my teachers today :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dirt Diver on November 29, 2010, 19:53
Yep :D :lol:

Got told it by one of my teachers today :D

Jamie - the old ones are best, I had not heard that one.  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 29, 2010, 22:27
Nice one Jamie!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 29, 2010, 22:36
Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."
 
 
So sorry I know there is something wrong with me for posting this.  Just couldn't help it!   
 
The little voices made me do it !!!
 
And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you  - I know you did!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 29, 2010, 22:42
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:  Brilliant  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 30, 2010, 10:34
Need advice on price of meat, ;)


I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.00,





is that,,,     



2deer :lol:


couldn't resist it, :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 30, 2010, 10:38
Husband sat watching tv, wife comes into the room crying and says,


"Ive just fell down the stairs, didn't you hear me",


Husband says,

"Sorry dear, I thought it was the start of Eastenders". :D


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 30, 2010, 10:46
Husband sat watching tv, wife comes into the room crying and says,


"Ive just fell down the stairs, didn't you hear me",


Husband says,

"Sorry dear, I thought it was the start of Eastenders". :D

 :D :D  (Now the theme tune is going through my head - bump, bumpbumpbump, bump, bump)


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on November 30, 2010, 11:04
Thanks Learner. I love the 'ham bush' !!    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 30, 2010, 11:07
Thanks Learner. I love the 'ham bush' !!    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I'm still trying to do the accent  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 30, 2010, 11:39
Thanks Learner. I love the 'ham bush' !!    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Me too!!  :lol:

(Sometimes guess the punchline before I get there but not this time!)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on November 30, 2010, 12:57
ive got myself a part time job on the run up to Christmas.



ive got to help audley harrison break through the cardboard on his advent calender.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on November 30, 2010, 16:48
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.  The class was in full swing.  The  instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the  men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of  the pregnancy.

She said  "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.  Walking is  especially beneficial.  It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."  Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
 
She looked at the men in  the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together  --  It  wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. "
 
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
 
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
 
"Yes", answered the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 01, 2010, 01:13
Hamming it up....

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 03, 2010, 20:10
Mark (Horsepooisgood) sent me this one :)

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find his entire herd of
cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like
statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like
this would happen.

The realization of the situation then dawned on him.With his entire
livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife
and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his
hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an
elderly woman walked by, 'What's the matter?' asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament
to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows'
noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what
she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who
had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. 'You know who that
was don't you?' asked the passer-by.

'No' said the farmer 'who is she?'



'That was Thora Hird.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on December 03, 2010, 20:19
I still like this one,

(http://ny-image3.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.196176639.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 05, 2010, 00:42
Nice one Jamie!!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on December 05, 2010, 08:48
 :D :D :D Jamie
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: philskin on December 05, 2010, 21:47
Don't know about you folks but this snow and cold is doing my head in' since it started the wife just stands there staring through the window. If it gets any worse I will have to let her in the house.     lol
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 06, 2010, 17:10
i phoned the lib-dem headquarters today and asked for a copy of their 2010 manifesto

but they said they had sold out
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on December 06, 2010, 17:28
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 06, 2010, 22:48
:lol: :lol: :lol:

It took me more than a minute to get that one!  ::)   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gypsy on December 07, 2010, 16:44
I was a bit slow to get that one,  :tongue2: :) :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 07, 2010, 17:42
so peter beardsley has been put in temporary charge of newcastle.

things are getting really ugly at st james park
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 08, 2010, 15:18
Sorry to bother you, but with all this snow I could do with your help, I'm not far from some of you,,,


I have got problems getting started and could really do with a push,,,, :(


I feel really bad for asking, but I don't know who else to turn to,,,, :blush:





If anyone can help me,,


























I'm sat on the swings in the park!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 08, 2010, 15:22
Paddy's dad died suddenly and he was on his knees crying,,
After a couple of minutes he got a phone call and started crying even louder,,

Murphy says,

"What's wrong now, Paddy?"

Paddy now sobbing replied,,

"That was my sister on the phone to tell me that her dad has died too"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 08, 2010, 15:25
Just got home from shopping and found all the doors and windows open and everything gone :(






What kind of sad person would do that to my advent calender?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on December 08, 2010, 15:35
Paddy's dad died suddenly and he was on his knees crying,,
After a couple of minutes he got a phone call and started crying even louder,,

Murphy says,

"What's wrong now, Paddy?"

Paddy now sobbing replied,,

"That was my sister on the phone to tell me that her dad has died too"

You should be more sympathetic dear - they may not have had the same father ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 08, 2010, 16:07
I made myself a snowman as perfect as can be,

I thought I'd keep it as a pet so I let it sleep with me,

I made it some pyjamas and a pillow for its head,

But as I slept he deserted me and left me with a wet bed. >:(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on December 08, 2010, 21:17
In recent conversations at Buckingham Palace Kate Middleton asked the Queen the secrets of a long marriage and life. 

The Queen replied "Always wear a seat belt and don't annoy me..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 08, 2010, 21:37
Just got home from shopping and found all the doors and windows open and everything gone :(






What kind of sad person would do that to my advent calender?

Brilliant :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on December 08, 2010, 22:12
'Scuse me, have a look at my signature. ;) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 08, 2010, 22:13
Oops ::) :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on December 08, 2010, 22:17
 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 08, 2010, 23:11
sorry Ice, didn't see that, my mate sent me it by text ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 09, 2010, 00:17
SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI


The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's
'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed
youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions
of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races
are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not
only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12
seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases
of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 09, 2010, 08:01
SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI


The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's
'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed
youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions
of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races
are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not
only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12
seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases
of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :D :D :D :D Brilliant  :D

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on December 09, 2010, 09:31
SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI

None taken John!  :tongue2:



What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow?













You get run over  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 09, 2010, 10:35
Brillaint :D :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 09, 2010, 11:38
My new iron gate makes howling and moaning noises; thought it was caused by the wind but it turns out it's just over-wrought!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 09, 2010, 15:08
On the radio yesterday:

Posh important lady to old man "Don't you know who I am???"

Old chap "Sorry no I don't, but if you ask Matron she'll tell you who you are"

Tickled me anyway :)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on December 09, 2010, 20:56
Keep 'em coming!  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 10, 2010, 09:43
police: student protesters have failed to sticke to the agreed route

to be fair so have the lib dems


                                *                             *                                 *
i once had a racing snail that never won any races,so i removed his shell to make him more aerodynamic.
it just made him more sluggish.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on December 10, 2010, 10:57
A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He's staying in a remote
frontier type town and walks into a bar

He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native
American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress,
tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying
Ask me anything'

The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.

'Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.' says the barman.

'What do you mean he knows everything?' asks the scouser.

'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets
anything'

'Yeah right' says the scouser.

'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know
the answer'

'Alright' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.

'Where am I from

'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was
right.

'Alright' says the scouser, 'that was easy you probably recognised my
accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash.

'Yes and who did they play?'

'Leeds United' again without blinking

'And the score?'

'2-1' says the memory man without hesitation.

'Pretty good,but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?'

'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant.

Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to
Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just
can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him
again and pay him his due respect .

He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has
saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory
man.

He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying
virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave
in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still
resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia.

The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in
the traditional manner..

'How'.

The memory man squints at the scouser.

'Flying header in the six yard box.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on December 10, 2010, 18:12
A  young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did".

MERRY Christmas
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 10, 2010, 19:57
Brilliant, Springlands :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on December 11, 2010, 08:28
Wonderful!  This thread really brightens my mornings!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 11, 2010, 10:51
i never let my children watch big band performances on television.

theres too much sax and violins.


                               *                            *                                *
i was sitting up at three am this morning drunk and yawning and kept dozing off,it was at this point i thought,maybe i should'nt drive petrol tankers for a living.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on December 11, 2010, 11:49
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:

“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Harold should be an inspiration to us all!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 11, 2010, 14:06
i never let my children watch big band performances on television.

theres too much sax and violins.
                               *                            *                                *
i was sitting up at three am this morning drunk and yawning and kept dozing off,it was at this point i thought,maybe i should'nt drive petrol tankers for a living.

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:   (Both) my kind of jokes Dave!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: catllar on December 11, 2010, 15:15
Nelson Mandela was sitting at home having a beer and watching the telly when the doorbell rang. Standing on the step was a small chinese man with a clipboard which he pushed towards Nelson, saying "You sign, you sign". Nelson was a bit perplexed. He looked over the chinese man's shoulder and saw a truck full of car parts. "I'm sorry, but I didn't order this" he said. The chinese man referred to his clipboard and said " Ah - You not Nissan Main Deala?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 11, 2010, 16:51
i never let my children watch big band performances on television.

theres too much sax and violins.


                               *                            *                                *
i was sitting up at three am this morning drunk and yawning and kept dozing off,it was at this point i thought,maybe i should'nt drive petrol tankers for a living.

I coudnt stop laughing at the second one :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 11, 2010, 17:13
i never let my children watch big band performances on television.

theres too much sax and violins.
                               *                            *                                *
i was sitting up at three am this morning drunk and yawning and kept dozing off,it was at this point i thought,maybe i should'nt drive petrol tankers for a living.

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:   (Both) my kind of jokes Dave!!
i aim to please jay ;) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 11, 2010, 17:22
jesus once said"love thy neighbour" i bet he did'nt live on a council estate.


                                   *                          *                           *

10 things you never knew about me.

   1)i suffer with narcolepsy
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 11, 2010, 17:26
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 11, 2010, 17:27
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 11, 2010, 17:29
Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.

Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.

Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.

Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 11, 2010, 17:32
Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.

Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.

Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.

Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!




That's daft Jamie.... He'll never see where he's going!!  ???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 11, 2010, 17:37
EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 11, 2010, 18:08
Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.

Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.

Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.

Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!




That's daft Jamie.... He'll never see where he's going!!  ???

Obviously they didnt think it through properly :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on December 11, 2010, 19:55
Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Police,
Police who?
Police don't make me eat Brussel Sprouts this year
 :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on December 11, 2010, 22:31
I was getting rather upset at some of the mad things that were being posted on this website: I thought there was a clause in the terms of use for the forum which required posters to avoid the more insane topics.

However I have to my disappointment finally realised there aint no sanity clause.



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 12, 2010, 00:22
I was getting rather upset at some of the mad things that were being posted on this website: I thought there was a clause in the terms of use for the forum which required posters to avoid the more insane topics.

However I have to my disappointment finally realised there aint no sanity clause.


Welcome to the forums.... you'll be ok and fit in nicely  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on December 12, 2010, 08:50
What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when he hits a car windscreen?

His bum.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on December 12, 2010, 14:25
How does a blonde make a man's eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 12, 2010, 16:37
How does a blonde make a man's eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear

Clever but oh so cruel :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on December 12, 2010, 16:57
How does a blonde make a man's eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear

makes a change for it to be said that way around  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on December 12, 2010, 17:21
How does a blonde make a man's eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear

Clever but oh so cruel :)


Worzel says it's a very sexist joke and he's going to sue you John - Don't worry, I've hidden his 'legal' head ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 12, 2010, 17:28
The government have advised that when travelling in these snowy conditions to allways take a shovel, rock salt, a flask, high visibilty jacket, and spare clothes.

I looked a right twit on the bus ::) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 12, 2010, 18:12
The government have advised that when travelling in these snowy conditions to allways take a shovel, rock salt, a flask, high visibilty jacket, and spare clothes.

I looked a right twit on the bus ::) :lol:

and it caused real inbalance on my bike  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 12, 2010, 18:29
Sepp Blatter was asked who his favourite Qatar player was.

he replied Eric Clapton.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 12, 2010, 23:24
Had to look up Sepp Blatter - we just called him Don Crook of Fifa. (He's the head of FIFA for others who like me would have to resort to Google)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: fatcat1955 on December 12, 2010, 23:32
My dad hasn't spoken to my mum for 4 weeks......she say's it's rude to interupt her.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 14, 2010, 11:27
Really Bad Day   

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on December 14, 2010, 11:29
This could be emails from our place...  ???

Christmas Crackers


From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 1 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 21, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Grill, with a free bar for the first hour.  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
                           
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 2 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which can coincide with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party”.
                                 
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 3 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. 
 
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. 
 
How am I supposed to handle this?  Somebody?
                                 
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 6 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are!
 
I had no idea that there was a belief system that forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours during December. There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a lunch at this time of year does not accommodate some of your beliefs.  Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything in tin foil to take away.  Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets.  Did I miss anything?
                                 
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 7 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

So 21 December marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads?  Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.  Okay???
                             
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 8 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our MD dress up like Santa Claus!  Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our MD in a red suit.  It's a tradition, folks, like pumpkins at Halloween, family feuds over the Easter break or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
 
Could we lighten up?
                                 
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 9 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!?  I've had it with you people!!!  We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Grill whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.  But you know, they have feelings too.  Tomatoes scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right now!
                               
From: Terry Bishops, Acting HR Manager
Sent: 10 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Pam Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pam Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the clinic.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 21st off with full pay.
 
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 14, 2010, 11:40
A woman takes her duck to the vets, the vet says "sorry dear but this duck is dead."

"Well I never" said the woman, "I want a second opinion."

So the vet goes out and comes back with a Black Labrador - the dog sniffs the duck and walks out.

Next the vet brings a cat in - the cat sits and stares at the duck then it too walks out.

The vet gives the woman the bill for £250.

At this point the woman screams at him "250 pounds just to tell me the duck is dead?"

"Yes" says the vet, "it was only going to be £20 but you have also had a lab report and a cat scan!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 14, 2010, 11:45
A man's wife hits him across the head. He says "What's that for?"

She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sally written on it".

Quick as a flash he says "that's the name of a horse I bet on today, you silly woman" - she apologises.

A week later she hits him over the head with a frying pan! He says, "What was that for?".

She replies, "Your horse has just phoned!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 14, 2010, 11:50
We'll be friends until we're old and senile.

And then, we'll be new friends!


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Couldnt' help wondering why the frisbee seemed to be getting bigger and bigger.

Then it suddenly hit me!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dellie on December 14, 2010, 11:57
 :D :D :D, realy funny GTFC, hope you don't mind but I've already passed these on!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on December 14, 2010, 12:05
a festive one....


What do elves learn at school??



The Elf Abet..

Sorry my 5 year old gran daughter told me that one.

xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 14, 2010, 12:15
Coronation Street have just renamed their football team, they are now known as,,,



Tram-near-rovers, :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on December 14, 2010, 20:25
Groan  8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on December 14, 2010, 21:03
In these litigious times I offer the following Christmas greeting to one and all...

From me ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishees")

Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non- addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that :

* This greeting may be subject to further clarification or withdrawal

* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent seasonal greeting, whichever comes first.

* The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor

* Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

And finally after all that..........

A MERRY Christmas AND A HAPPY NEW HOTICULTURAL YEAR
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on December 15, 2010, 06:59
(http://serve.mysmiley.net/happy/happy0008.gif) (http://www.mysmiley.net)

Eli xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on December 15, 2010, 17:02
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
> into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like
> "Brian!
>
>
>
>
> Passenger: "Who?"
>
> Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
> Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian
> Sullivan, every single time."
>
> Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
>
> Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
> the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
> baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
> the piano. He was an amazing guy."
>
> Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
>
> Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
> everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
> fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
> and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything
> right."
>
> Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
>
> Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
> jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never
> made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
> good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
> clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the
> perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian
> Sullivan."
>
> Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
>
> Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
> bloomin widow."
>
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 16, 2010, 10:30
First Christmas Joke?

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scottish man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of knickers.

St Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Click the pic for a bit of sparkle!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on December 17, 2010, 13:16
Christmas Cake Recipe - for those of you who can't remember last year's cake recipe.

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottle wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in
case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you
can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to
fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl
through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Take a taxi to Tesco and buy cake.

Bingle Jells

 

 
 

 

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on December 17, 2010, 13:48
Man having meal in Indian restaurant
Waiter comes by and asks, "Curry OK?"

Man pauses, then answers, "oh go on then, but only one song....."  :lol:


I'll get my coat
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on December 17, 2010, 15:15
These are getting worse.  Love'em!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 17, 2010, 15:20
 :lol:  :lol: Plum!


If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.



For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.



If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 17, 2010, 16:04
im going to start up my own company selling dairy products from ingredients sourced only from the middle east.

im calling it  cheeses of nazareth

                              *                            *                             *
i remember last years Christmas present for my son was an empty box.

i told him it was action man deserter
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 17, 2010, 18:19
                              *                            *                             *
i remember last years Christmas present for my son was an empty box.

i told him it was action man deserter

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on December 17, 2010, 19:48
 :lol: :lol: at davethespread. Silly sausage
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: CluckyChicken on December 19, 2010, 12:25
 :lol: :lol: just read everything.  many laughs, and if I may I might add one:
what does a chinese chicken say?


wok wok wok wok wok wok wok  :lol: :lol: :happy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 20, 2010, 11:55
Paddy and Murphy having a day out in London when they spot a sign in a shop window,

Suits £10

Jackets £6

Shirts  £2,,

"Wow", said Paddy, "now there's a bargain, lets' buy the whole stock".

Murphy says,  "Ok, but don't let them know we are Irish cos they'll try ripping us off".


They go into the shop and Paddy says in his best English accent,

"Can we buy your entire stock,my good man".

The man behind the counter says,

"You are both Irish aren't you"

"How did you guess", asks Paddy,

"Easy", said the shop assistant,



" This is a dry cleaners"     :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 20, 2010, 12:36
little Johnny wasn't doing very well in school, always causing trouble, so his parents sent him to a religious boarding school.

After 2 months his grades had improved, his behaviour was faultless.

His parents were very pleased but also very curious as to the big change in him, so they asked him for an explanation,

Johnny replied,


"The first day I walked into the school and saw that poor guy nailed to the cross, I knew that they meant business" :lol: :lol:.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 20, 2010, 14:49
An old lady walked into the doctors and said

"Doctor, I pass wind quite a lot, but at least it doesn`t smell and it`s silent. In fact, I`ve passed wind twice since I`ve been in here and you didn`t notice. Can you give me something to stop it?

A week later she was back in the surgery/

"Those pills you gave me doctor. When I pass wind now, it smells terrible".

The doctor said,

" Well that`s cleared your sinuses. Now we must sort out your hearing".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on December 20, 2010, 18:05
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: CluckyChicken on December 20, 2010, 19:55
An old lady walked into the doctors and said

"Doctor, I pass wind quite a lot, but at least it doesn`t smell and it`s silent. In fact, I`ve passed wind twice since I`ve been in here and you didn`t notice. Can you give me something to stop it?

A week later she was back in the surgery/

"Those pills you gave me doctor. When I pass wind now, it smells terrible".

The doctor said,

" Well that`s cleared your sinuses. Now we must sort out your hearing".



 :happy: :happy: :happy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on December 20, 2010, 21:38
keep'em coming  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on December 21, 2010, 07:33
Sorry if this has been on b4, but it makes me laugh especially at this time of year with over-indulgence and thoughts of new year resolutions!

Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn. And what are these?   Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chopcan give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?   
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!
         
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?   
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 
Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?   
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?   
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?   
A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape! 


And  remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"
   
AND......


For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats 
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 21, 2010, 11:49
That is exactly my lifestyle, I'm 56 in Jan and all my cholestral test have come back normal, heart rate normal, weight in the normal range,

mentallity? now that's a different matter, as my jokes show.

They always say that men never grow up, why should we when the women take care of us :D :D :D

Now I'm in trouble, don't care cos you're there and I'm here!!!!!! :wacko: :wacko: :wacko:

Happy yuletide everyone.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 22, 2010, 13:18
its getting close to that time of the year when the fat person with a beard

comes round with presents for the kids.

or as the wife likes to call her,mum.

                                  *                                 *                                  *

i said to me nan "what would you like for Christmas nan?"

she said "something from the body shop please dear"

i hope she's got room in her flat for the front wing off a mondeo
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 22, 2010, 14:45
I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".

That should keep my neighbours on their toes for a while.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 23, 2010, 00:08
Nice one, Jamie :) And Dave   :lol:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on December 23, 2010, 19:51
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 24, 2010, 01:19
How to know when it's time to stop driving:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on December 25, 2010, 07:46
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 25, 2010, 08:01
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: kenny199 on December 25, 2010, 18:00
What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 26, 2010, 11:38
What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony!!
GROAN GROAN GROAN :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 30, 2010, 11:48
news: a man on the run from the police falls into a combine harvester,he is to be released on bail

                               *                              *                              *

i called a priest to help remove spirits from my house.

father flannagan sure can drink.

                              *                               *                               *

and always remember when stacking cheeses

do it caerphilly.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on December 30, 2010, 12:57
 :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 30, 2010, 19:21
We went off to a wife swapping party last night - it was rubbish. The host wouldn't part with his stereo  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on December 30, 2010, 19:51
We went off to a wife swapping party last night - it was rubbish. The host wouldn't part with his stereo  :)
I got it eventualy.........Wi Fi :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 31, 2010, 15:48
my new years resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants

roll-on 2011

                                            *                            *                           *

alphabet spaghetti may contain  n,u,t and s
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on December 31, 2010, 16:23
  :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on December 31, 2010, 19:12
thanks min for that, I have only just got round to reading them.  It must have taken you ages.  HNY, regards,  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 31, 2010, 20:45
i was in the sports direct shop earlier and i saw a "liverpool surprise bag" when i opened it

 there were three points inside
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 01, 2011, 19:19
We went off to a wife swapping party last night - it was rubbish. The host wouldn't part with his stereo  :)

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on January 02, 2011, 11:01
What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?

A stick
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on January 02, 2011, 11:06
What did the baby corn say to the mummy corn?

Wheres popcorn

               *          *           *            *          *             *

How do monkey make toast?

They just stick some bread under the gorilla.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on January 02, 2011, 13:09
i was just telling the wife i was driving through the country lanes earlier

and an old boy on a tractor went past me shouting "the end of the world is upon us"

she said  "oh thats just farmer geddon."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on January 02, 2011, 13:30
:D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on January 05, 2011, 13:13
So I said to the wife, "What would you like for Christmas fatty?"

She said "don't get lippy"!





So, it's mascara then.  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on January 05, 2011, 14:42
A   Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on January 06, 2011, 06:36
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pol on January 06, 2011, 08:56
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on January 06, 2011, 11:29
A   Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

But did he remember where he'd left his bike when he got to commandment number 7 ?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on January 06, 2011, 17:01
i found out the other day that in aborigine language the word boo means to come back

because when i threw an ordinary merangue.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on January 06, 2011, 17:25
japanese banks it appears have been hit almost as hard as american and uk banks:the origami bank has folded,and we hear that the sumo bank has gone belly up too.

bonsai bank plans to cut some of its branches,karaoke bank is for sale and going for a song.
meanwhile,staff at the karate bank got the chop,and analysts report there is something fishy going on at the sushi bank,where workers fear they may get a raw deal.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on January 06, 2011, 17:53
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on January 07, 2011, 12:11
The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Australian cricket team if they can have a meeting.

they want to find out how they managed to go downhill so fast.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on January 07, 2011, 12:12
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on January 07, 2011, 15:06
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen  sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on January 11, 2011, 09:35
what does FIFA stand for.

the Russian national anthem.

                                      *                            *                               *
i was watching "rip off britain" the other day on BBC1 and i must say i was shocked that the television license never got mentioned.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 11, 2011, 15:29
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him:
 "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on January 12, 2011, 08:52
Think I will have the bed near the window  ::) ::) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 12, 2011, 08:55
Poor kitty!!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on January 12, 2011, 09:36
Brilliant!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on January 12, 2011, 13:34
Poor kitty!!



:D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Edski675 on January 12, 2011, 22:59
I went to the optician today and he told me that I'm colourblind.

It was a bolt out of the green.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on January 13, 2011, 00:36
I went to the optician today and he told me that I'm colourblind.

It was a bolt out of the green.
:D :D :D
nice one!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 13, 2011, 10:31
Young Paul bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paul replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paul said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paul said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paul said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paul and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paul said, 'I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898' 
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

 




 Paul said, 'Just the guy who won.’

NB Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on January 13, 2011, 10:47
Good one!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on January 15, 2011, 20:49
Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - 'in case someone came over'
Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!
NOW, when people visit, I don't have to explain the 'condition' of my home
They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun.
If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it!
Dust if you must .......
but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed,
ponder the difference between want and need?
Dust if you must, but there's not much time . . . .
with coffee to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb , music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must,
but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around, again.

Dust if you must , but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind. . .

And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more dust!


Share this with the people in your life.
I JUST DID.
It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on January 16, 2011, 10:47
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

 It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 'Dear, Mum.

 It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

 I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

 But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

 Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

 We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really  hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with  the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

 Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


 Love, your son, Coby.



 "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than  the school report that's on my desk"

 I love you!  



Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on January 16, 2011, 13:47
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

 It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 'Dear, Mum.

 It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

 I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

 But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

 Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

 We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really  hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with  the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

 Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


 Love, your son, Coby.



 "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than  the school report that's on my desk"

 I love you! 


Call when it is safe for me to come home.



 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: willowish on January 16, 2011, 21:06
the hired farm hand goes into the tractor shed to find the farmer doing a strip tease in front of the massey ferguson.
'what on earth are you doing?!' cried the farm worker
the farmer, looking very sheepish and embaressed replied 'well you see, Mrs farmer & me ain't been gettin on too well these days, so our therapist said i should do something sexy to a-tract-er!!'
 :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on January 16, 2011, 23:38
Arghh - that was an 8.5 on the groan scale  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on January 17, 2011, 12:50
went to the circus last night and saw some tightrope walkers.





funny flavour for crisps

 :blink: :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on January 17, 2011, 16:27
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

* * *

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

* * *

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal operation?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 17, 2011, 17:22
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

* * *

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

* * *

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal operation?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

Very clever  :)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on January 20, 2011, 22:00
My very inconsiderate neighbour was banging on my front door at 2.30 this morning, >:( >:(

Yes, 2.30 this morning, I couldn't believe it. :mad: :mad:

Lucky for him I was still up playing my new drum kit.  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on January 21, 2011, 09:11
The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular
phone on the bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the leather shop now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking
to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the
market.  They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of
$900,000. they'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra
eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you
so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Johnnywesto on January 21, 2011, 10:36
After years of research, scientists have finally discovered what it is that makes women happy.













Nothing.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on January 21, 2011, 10:56
I dunno about that...........divorce can make women happy  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on January 21, 2011, 14:08
Another set of scientists have discovered a food that completely eliminates sensuality in women.
It's technical name is 'wedding cake'....



I'll get me (morning) coat.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on January 21, 2011, 15:06
Another set of scientists have discovered a food that completely eliminates sensuality in women.
It's technical name is 'wedding cake'....
The clinical term is 'christening cake', and it has to be taken with lack of sleep to be fully effective.

A high dose of 'uncaring husband' was also found to eliminate sensuality completely :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 21, 2011, 16:08
Lunch time?

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on January 22, 2011, 08:04
 :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on January 22, 2011, 08:16
It's ironic that I can't seem to find anywhere to insure my pet Meerkat.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on January 22, 2011, 09:18
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on January 22, 2011, 10:40
A catapult was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

* * *

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on January 22, 2011, 18:21
The wife kept saying that for her birthday she wanted something, anything for the bath, so I got her a bottle of ciff limescale remover :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 22, 2011, 18:33
Dog tired tyred?

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Kleftiwallah on January 24, 2011, 12:00
What has eight corners and long ears?   A cubic hare !  I'll get me coat.   Cheers,   Tony.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on January 25, 2011, 14:06
i recently watched an interview where heather mills burst into tears.

apparently because she was being called a gold digger.

but surely she's got to see it from our side she does resemble a pirate.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 28, 2011, 22:12
What not to do in your English Country Garden (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOjGloz6-vM&feature=related)

Please put your speakers on and be patient with the intro....worth the wait, I hope!  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on January 28, 2011, 22:34
A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on January 29, 2011, 14:25
 :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on January 30, 2011, 18:57
Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

"Where did you get this from?" ask the expert.

"It's been in my loft for the last 40 years, you think it's a heirloom?" says Paddy

"Do you have insurance?"

"No should I ?" replies Paddy

"Yeah" says the expert "It's your water tank?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on January 30, 2011, 19:00
Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Tax Office. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate £10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on January 30, 2011, 19:00
Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

"Where did you get this from?" ask the expert.

"It's been in my loft for the last 40 years, you think it's a heirloom?" says Paddy

"Do you have insurance?"

"No should I ?" replies Paddy

"Yeah" says the expert "It's your water tank?"
:D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on January 30, 2011, 19:06
Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on January 30, 2011, 19:56
Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on January 30, 2011, 20:27
Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Brilliant and I must admit I've used a couple in my youth!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on January 31, 2011, 08:38
Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Brilliant and I must admit I've used a couple in my youth!!

Hi JulieC - you cannot just leave it there  ::) ::) which ones did you use  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on February 01, 2011, 09:48
My uncle has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from edinbrough zoo.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on February 01, 2011, 09:56
I understand that there are a lot of emails going round about tinned meat.

Don't worry, it's only spam

 :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 01, 2011, 13:01
A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 01, 2011, 15:41
Good meal?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on February 01, 2011, 16:13
In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 01, 2011, 20:05
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said "How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on February 01, 2011, 20:11
In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.
Groan :D :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 01, 2011, 22:29
In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.
Groan :D :lol:

One of them was decidedly grumpy about the whole thing!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on February 02, 2011, 08:09
In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.
Groan :D :lol:

One of them was decidedly grumpy about the whole thing!  ::)

THe Dopey wotsit
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 02, 2011, 15:57
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 04, 2011, 23:39
On their way to a registery office to get married a couple had a fatal car accident.  :(

The couple sat outside heaven's gate waiting for St. Peter to do the paperwork so they could enter. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter replied, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the nearest cloud causing a clap of thunder.
 
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
 
"Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"


My apologies to all priests and lawyers reading this... nothing personal!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on February 05, 2011, 06:52
I like that one Learner   :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on February 07, 2011, 12:09
A little guy sat at the bar having a quiet drink, minding his own business, when a big thug knocks him off his stool,

"That's Kung Fu from Japan".

A little while later the thug knocks him off his stool again, saying,

"That's Karate from Korea".

The poor little guy picks himself up and leaves the bar.

A short while later the little guy comes back into the bar and knocks the thug off his stool, and stands next to the unconcious lump on the floor and says,


"when he wakes up, tell him,  that was a shovel from B&Q." :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on February 07, 2011, 12:45
Paddy loses his dog and because he is so upset his wife tells him to put an advert in the local paper.

So he does, but after 3 weeks there was no word about his dog,

Paddys wife asks him what he put in the advert,

Paddy replies,


"Here Boy"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on February 07, 2011, 16:25
    As Saint Valentine's day approached, Rupert wandered into the offices of the local paper and asked to put in a personal message on the 'Valentines Messages' page.  He paid over his fiver and handed over a bit of paper contining his message. 
    The clerk read it out to check.  "Softy loves his sweetie ickle snookums wookums wookums wookums"  She counted up the words and said "Five pounds is for ten words - you could put on another 'wookums' at no extra cost.   
    He thought about it for a moment and then shook his head and said"No - I think that'd sound silly..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on February 07, 2011, 17:15
Someone told me I am immature and need to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my treehouse now.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 07, 2011, 20:46
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 07, 2011, 23:10
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol: That's cruel  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 08, 2011, 14:08
More advice to men than a joke..

When being dragged around the clothes shops, as she comes out of the changing room with an expensive dress say: "You're right, you have put a little weight on." When she appears with the cheapest one on, say: "Hey, that diet has really worked, you've lost pounds."

Never fails :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on February 08, 2011, 14:10
and Val's response is...............................?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 08, 2011, 14:35
and Val's response is...............................?

I'll be alright, she's busy painting the ceiling  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on February 08, 2011, 14:56
Better advice is not to accompany women on their clothes shopping trips at all (your advice apparently only helps her decide what not to choose, and as often as not after hours of male misery she won't like it when she gets home anyway!)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on February 08, 2011, 18:42
you sound rather bitter and twisted J!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 08, 2011, 18:43
you sound rather bitter and twisted J!  ::)

Not at all, he's a man who knows :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on February 08, 2011, 19:02
Nice one John, my OH didn't see funny side.

typical women,

no sense of humour. :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on February 08, 2011, 20:30
Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Brilliant and I must admit I've used a couple in my youth!!

Hi JulieC - you cannot just leave it there  ::) ::) which ones did you use  :D
  I may admit to most of those that are downright impossible to say when drunk except for number 7 cos im a lover not a fighter!!!

LOL
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on February 08, 2011, 20:32
I understand that there are a lot of emails going round about tinned meat.

Don't worry, it's only spam

 :)

Groan!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 08, 2011, 20:32
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on February 08, 2011, 20:37
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."

oooow you could be in trouble!! LOL
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on February 08, 2011, 22:46
I was up making my bed at 7 this morning,

last time i buy anything from ikea again ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 08, 2011, 23:26
I was up making my bed at 7 this morning,

last time i buy anything from ikea again ::)

Brilliant! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on February 09, 2011, 00:47
Computer Logic

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.


Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on February 09, 2011, 07:55
I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."

The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up." 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on February 09, 2011, 13:25
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
 
The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."
   
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
   
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
   
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich     please?"
   
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.

What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."
   
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants
to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
   
The same thing happens for two weeks..

Then one day the circus comes to town.
   
 The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you?

Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
   
"Sounds marvelous,"
says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."
   
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
   
"I'm always looking for the next job, Where is it?" Says the duck.

"At the circus", Says the barman.
   
"The circus?", Repeats the duck.
   
"That's right",  Replies the barman.
   
"The circus?" The duck asks again, "With the big tent?"
   
"Yeah," the barman replies.
   
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who
live in caravans?" says the duck.
   
"Of course," sez the barman.
   
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
   
 "That's right!" says the barman.

 The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...
 


"What would they want with a plasterer??!"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 11, 2011, 19:21
I broke wind in a lift...

It was wrong on so many levels.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 11, 2011, 19:32
Old Men Can Think Fast

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding up the bucket, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on February 11, 2011, 19:36
The other day i was wondering why Frisbee's seem to get bigger as them get closer to you...

....then it hit me.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 11, 2011, 23:08
The other day i was wondering why Frisbee's seem to get bigger as them get closer to you...

....then it hit me.

Duck!!! You're quackers not to.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on February 12, 2011, 10:24
David Cameron is visiting a Glasgow hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one. The patient replies:
           
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
           
Mr. Cameron is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The next patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
       
Even more confused he just grins and moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Mr. Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"  "No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

 :nowink:


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on February 12, 2011, 10:26
 ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on February 12, 2011, 10:28
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on February 12, 2011, 10:39
Nice one Argyllie (albeit a bit tricky to memorise and pass on!)  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on February 12, 2011, 10:41
I broke wind in a lift...

It was wrong on so many levels.


 :D :D  Oh - you are awful, but funny -  :D :D :D   Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on February 12, 2011, 11:39
Argyllie - that is great!!!!! I nearly snorted tea through my nose!!! :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on February 12, 2011, 12:53
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on February 12, 2011, 13:04
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on February 12, 2011, 14:37
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on February 12, 2011, 16:55
It's the way you tell them Lorna
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on February 12, 2011, 16:59