[min200]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.
-------------------------------------------------------------

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

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A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

[davethespread]

i have just read in the paper that drinking alcohol can kill you,it scared the hell out of me.so thats it, as of now, im giving up reading papers.

[Goosegirl]

My boyfriend is so fat that when he fell down the stairs, I thought Eastenders was starting...!   

[philskin]

Is it right that if they find a skeleton buried somewere they can tell if its male or female straight away ,if the jawbone is worn its female

[davethespread]

I've had to remove the extremely long links as they were breaking the page layout and making it difficult for everyone to use - sorry
John

[Trillium]

Off to the naught step for both of you. 

[HugglescoteGrower]

I asked the missus the other day what she wants me to grow on the allotment this year. Spuds? Yeah, Carrots? Yeah, Peas, Beans, Cabbages, Caulis, Sprouts? Yeah. Parsnip? Yeah, Turnips, ugh - No! Beetroot, Yeah, Squashes Yeah, especially blackcurrant and orange, we buy lots of those!

[hamstergbert]

And for the kiddies, some nursery almost-rhymes

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He would have stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle
But luckily he was a GP so was driving one of his Range Rovers to the golf course while his receptionist referred all his patients to the local chemist.

One, two buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, seven is it? I'm sorry, I went to a state school that felt that arithmetic was not as important as teaching me about lesbians and socialism.

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
But the police and fire brigade won't be able to do anything in case they breach the latest health and safety directive from the Department of Humourless Jobsworths

[Glosterboy]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at
The table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

[8doubles]

Mary had a little lamb

her father shot it dead

and now she takes it in to school,

between two lumps of bread.



And very tasty too!

[hamstergbert]

and more for hte kiddiwinks -

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And this little piggy flipped his London flat and his constituency home eight times and used your money to pay for a new conservatory, a massive telly and a vibrating chair and then tried to stop you finding out about it,
All the way home.

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
And by the way, the chief medical officer says that amount of treacle is really, really bad for you and that although there is not actual evidence as such, excessive treacle eating is costing this country £14bn a day in lost productivity and exploding children so treacle dealers ought to be right down there among paedos, heroin dealers, members of legal political parties that he disapproves of and the other low life...

[Trillium]

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive ...

So I took her to a petrol station.

[plot6b]

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive ...

So I took her to a petrol station.

The trouble is though Trillium,it's true. Thats the sad thing.

[Jamie Butterworth]

There were 3 men stood on a hill, each with there own watch.

One chucked there watch down the hill and it broke, the second chuked his watch down the hill and it broke. The third man chucked his watch down the hill, walked to the bottom and caught it.

The other two men said "Blimey, how did you do that"

To which the third man replie "easy, my watch is 5 minutes slow"

[richyrich7]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the blooming emu?'


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.