[Mogman]

Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He was writing an essay about his origin when he suddenly turned to question his mother."Mama, ver did Grandma come from?" he asked.

"Da stork brought her," answered Lena.

"And ver did you come from?" asked Little Ole.

"Da stork brought me," answered Lena.

"And ver did I come from?" Little Ole asked.

"Vell, son, da stork brought you, too," Lena replied.

Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and started to write his essay: "Dere hasn't been no natural births in our family for three generations!

[rogerbodger]

A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "Uno, dos....."
*POOF*....he disappeared without a tres.

[Growster...]

A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "Uno, dos....."
*POOF*....he disappeared without a tres.

Ha ha ha!  Nice one!

[Growster...]

Kirk Douglas used to tell a story about being unrecognised.

A fan rushed up to him once and said, 'Mr Lancaster, I just love all your films'!, to which he replied, through his teeth, 'It's Douglas, my name is Douglas', to which the fan replied, 'Oh I do apologise, Mr Fairbanks'!

[rogerbodger]

Recent research has shown that regular laughter helps to prolong life - the average life expectancy of readers of this thread is now 120

[DD.]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat satback on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150

[John]

Brilliant DD 

[ryetek]

One of the best jokes I've heard for a while. Thanks DD. 

[cadalot]

DD Sooooo Good

[DD.]

Clean as well!

[dugless]

The old ones are bestbest

[devonbarmygardener]

Utterly brilliant joke there DD!!
I might have to pinch that - I have friends that aren't on here that would appreciate it!!

[rogerbodger]

I saw a line of army ants.

They were being led by the sergeant and the commandant.

[John]

I saw a line of army ants.

They were being led by the sergeant and the commandant.

That was an anti-climax 

[Kevin67]

I didn't anticipate that....