[Fairy Plotmother]

 

[hamstergbert]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

"Drat!", said the Englishman.  "Yingluck has gone home to Bangkok to see her Mum."
So they decided not to wait, and went for a Chinese instead........




I'll get me coat.

[Goosegirl]

Did they catch him??? 

[rogerbodger]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord!

[Val H]

I like it!

[rogerbodger]

Another one seen on another site .....

A present day Indian Chief sends his young braves out to collect fire wood for the winter.
After a long day the braves ask the chief to inspect their haul and ask if they have collected enough.
No says the chief - we need more.
The next day the braves work until dark and again they ask the chief what he thinks.
The chief telephones the Met office and asks if it is going to be a cold winter.
"Very cold" was the reply.
The next day the braves were sent out again and that night the Chief telephones the Met Office again to ask about the winter. "It is going to be very very cold" was the response.
The braves were sent out again and at the end of the day the Chief inspected their massive haul of wood. He made his call to the Met Office and was told that the winter would be the coldest for 100 years.
The Chief asked the Met office man " How on earth can you accurately predict such a cold winter?"
"We can't" replied the Met Office man "but the Indians have spent all week collecting firewood so it must be going to be a really cold winter."

[Springlands]

My sister sent me this - the pun is not dead.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!

[mumofstig]

All very good 

[Springlands]

All very good 

I have some more but it is too cold today to be sitting on the norty step. 

[Fairy Plotmother]

 

[rogerbodger]

Sad news at the Nestle factory today, a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate bars fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the Milkybars are on me" everyone cheered!!!

[Tenhens]

Re springlands;

Excellent material!

Two comics spring to mind with this brand of humour, Tim Vine and I think his name is Stuart Francis , who is very dry.

[Fairy Plotmother]

 

Sad news at the Nestle factory today, a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate bars fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the Milkybars are on me" everyone cheered!!!

 

[Glosterboy]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. '
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. '
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'

[dugless]

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.


She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.


In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"


The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."


He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."