[Gandan57]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
 
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
 
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
 
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
 
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
 
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
 
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
 
'Moses,' replied the bird.
 
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
 
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
 

[Chrysalis]

 

[dugless]

Last night my children and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them
"I never want to live in a state of vegitation depending on some Machine and fluids from a bottle" if that ever happens please pull the plug

They got up and unpluged my computer and threw my wine away
the litle B**!!ers

[ThatsNice]

[Trillium]

 

[Y.E.A.H]

What was Beethoven favourite fruit?

BANANANAAAAA 

[Welsh Merf]

NEWSFLASH: The Irish SAS have landed a team in a zoo in Algeria. They have managed to release all the ostriches.

[John]

NEWSFLASH: The Irish SAS have landed a team in a zoo in Algeria. They have managed to release all the ostriches.

Took me a couple of seconds to get it - but well worth it 

[Wychwood]

[JamPan]

You know why it took Findus so long to find out there was horse meat in the lasagne?  They topped it with mascarpone cheese.

[azubah]

 

[John]

Finally got it! Mask a pony ---->>>>> GROAN! 

[mumofstig]

I'm glad you explained it for me John   

[arugula]

I couldn't understand it either, I had to get OH to explain it to me. I think it depends on your accent... 

[Chrysalis]

From my local butcher:

I went into the supermarket to buy Captain Morgan's, Bacardi and burgers.  I came out with black rum, white rum and Red Rum!