[davethespread]

i will never forget what my dear ol grandad said to just before he kicked the bucket.

he said,"hey boy,how far do you reckon i could kick this bucket?"

[DD.]

How's the old joke go?

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my Grandfather.

Not screaming like his passengers."

[horsepooisgood]

How's the old joke go?

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my Grandfather.

Not screaming like his passengers."

You been studying my posts again Dave?

[DD.]

I did admit it was an old one.

[Paul Plots]

I must read this earlier in the evening - laughing too loudly disturbs the sleeping beauties in the house! 

[8doubles]

Little Johnny at the breakfast table,
" Muuum this boiled eggs bad can i go out to play"

Harrassed mum from the kitchen,
"there`s nothing wrong, eat it !"

Little Johnny , "but muum it IS bad ",

Harassed mum ," If you don`t finish it you can`t go out to play",

Little Johnny some time later,














"Muuum !" ..................................................  "Can i leave the beak ?"

[horsepooisgood]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

[aelf]

That's brilliant!  Thanks horsepooisgood for a great Friday belly laugh 

[elibump]

Sorry if this has already made it on here but I just received it in an email and it made me laugh.

 Last night, my  kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from
 a bottle.   If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

 They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine!!!!
 
The little wotsits.

Eli xx

[agingchick]

A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets a mate in the pub.
"How was it?"the friend asks.
"Great"
"So why have you got a leg missing?"
"It was self-catering"

[Nige2Plots]

A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets a mate in the pub.
"How was it?"the friend asks.
"Great"
"So why have you got a leg missing?"
"It was self-catering"

Groan

[hamstergbert]

Some more for the list of great life truths that runs through this thread as a sort of philosophical sub-thread:

1.  Good health is merely the slowest rate at which on can die.

2.  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

3.  Some people are like those 'slinky' toys - not really good for anything but you still can't help but smile when you shove 'em down the stairs.

4.  Life is sexually transmitted.  It also has an overall mortality rate of  very,very close to 100%

5.  Health nuts are going to feel really stupid someday, laid dying in hospital of nothing.

6.  In the 60s people took acid to make the world seem weird.  Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it seem normal.

7.  What you do today can be like swallowing jalapeno peppers whole.  Not always much noticeable effect immediately but you'll get your ass burned tomorrow as a result.

8.  Why does a politician's "slight tax increase" cost you £200.00 whereas the same politician's "substantial tax cut" saves you £8.47?

9.  Men have two emotions : hungry and horny.  If my towel is hanging straight, make me a cheese sandwich.

10.  If a thermos flask keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, does the mess I get from putting hot soup and an ice lolly into it for a picnic mean my one is defective?

[John]

Brilliant 

[horsepooisgood]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


'THE TEETH.' she answered...

[horsepooisgood]

The letter home that would sure put your mind at rest when the kids are away on a trip.....





Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Landrovers. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything, Scoutmaster Ted says that we are the best group he has ever had!