[PennyS]

My neighbour put a sign on his gate yesterday, it reads, Trespassers will be composted.

Love it.  Must make one!

[violetpato]

husband and wife go past a field of cows, and pigs, the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws

[catllar]

Man at the doctors: I think my wife is going deaf but I don't want to offend her by asking outright - got any ideas? Dr. replies:" Stand 40ft away and ask a question. If she doesn't answer move 30 ft and repeat it, then 20ft and repeat it, then 10 ft and then right up to her and repeat it" Man goes home and starts  at 40ft with "What is for supper dear?" No answer, 30ft, no answer.  20ft, no answer. 10ft, no answer. Nose to nose "What is for supper dear?" Wife answers: "For the fifth bl...y time, liver and onions!"

[Glosterboy]

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"  An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"  Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

[davethespread]

a guy who worked for the post office,whose job it was to sort all the mail with illegible addresses.
one day,a letter came with shaky handwritting addressed to god with no actual address.so he thought he should open it to see what it was about.
the letter read;

dear god,

i am an 83 year old widow, living on a small pension.

yesterday someone stole my purse,it had £100 in it,which was all the money i had until my next pension payment.

next sunday is Christmas,and i had invited two of my friends over for dinner.without that money,i have nothing to buy food with,i have no family to turn to,and you are my only hope.can you please help me?

sincerely edna.

the postal worker was touched.he showed the letter to all the other workers.each one dug into his or her wallet,and came up with a few pounds.
by the time he had made the rounds, they had came up with £96,which he put in an envelope and sent to the old women.

Christmas came and went.

then a few days later,another lettter came for god from the same old lady.

all the workers gathered round as the letter was opened.

it read;

dear god,

how can i ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

because of your gift of love,i was able to fix a beautiful dinner for my friends.we had a very nice day,and i told my friends of your wonderful gift.

by the way,there was £4 missing

must have been one of those thieving b*****ds down at the post office.

sincerely edna.

[Paul Plots]

[A bit long winded!] 

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[horsepooisgood]

A teacher asked her class how many of them were fans of Gordon Brown.
Not really knowing what a Gordon Brown fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different…again?
Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not a Gordon Brown fan.’
The teacher asked, ‘Why aren’t you a Gordon Brown fan?’
Johnny said, ‘Because I’m a Nationalist.’
The teacher asked him why he’s a Nationalist.
Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mum’s a BNPer and my Dad’s a BNPer, so I’m a Nationalist.’
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would you be then?’
Little Johnny replied, ‘A Gordon Brown fan.’

[mumofstig]

 

[catllar]

85 year old lady in the retirement home comes into the lounge and calls out " If any of you men can guess my exact age I'll give you super sex. !  George thinks a minute then says "I'll have the soup please".

[agingchick]

 Cannibals
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.
 "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the
welcoming briefing.
 "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
 something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
 The cannibals promised they would not
 Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
 Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook
their heads no.
 After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others,  "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
 A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
 continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and
no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone
 important!"
 

[Jamie Butterworth]

Real exuse for speeding:

"Your right officer, I should have known better than speeding down this road, after I run over a woman on it last week"

[davethespread]

i walked out of my door this morning,and all of a sudden a lasagne hit me on the head, followed by a black forest gateau and a pizza.
i thought this is obviously fallout from iceland.

[plot6b]

i walked out of my door this morning,and all of a sudden a lasagne hit me on the head, followed by a black forest gateau and a pizza.
i thought this is obviously fallout from iceland.

Thats topical Dave. I like it

[davethespread]

i remember reading somewhere a speedcop pulls a youngster over for speeding and said,"ive been waiting here all day for you," to which the younster replied,"well i got here as soon as i could." apparently the copper laughed so much that he let him off with a caution.

[Faz]

i walked out of my door this morning,and all of a sudden a lasagne hit me on the head, followed by a black forest gateau and a pizza.
i thought this is obviously fallout from iceland.

I like this one - reminds me of a similar joke which has the punchline "Buffet the vampire slayer"