[DIGGER]

This is the third year in a row that I have had a camouflage themed party.
Once again no one has turned up

[Tenhens]

You obviously didn't see them coming

[DIGGER]

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the monkees. I thought she was joking ,then I saw her face.

[Chrysalis]

Cheer up, Aubergine!

(Sorry, Sleepy Jean)

[digger1]

A young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number.
Then the old man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs.
The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been, and always will be shared 50-50."
The young man asked the old woman if she was going to eat.
"Later," she replied. "It's his turn with the teeth

[DIGGER]

Mate of mine just had a break in ,had his Bob Marley albums and his sky box taken.

No music no sky

[rogerbodger]

When I was in Australia, I saw an old man singing "Dancing Queen", I think he was an ABBArigine

[Goneterseed]

My missus has asked me to get her something silky for Valentine's day,
No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong colour!!

[rogerbodger]

I hurt my arm this morning and was in hospital waiting for an x-ray
As I was sitting waiting to be seen the lad next to me says,
“Fair fa’ yer honest sonsie face!
Great chieftain o’ the pudding race!”
I turned my head round to the lady sat on the other side of me and she said,
“Wee, sleekit, cow’rin tim’rouse beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie!”
Surprised I said to the next doctor walking past, “here mate, is this the psychiatric ward?”
No, sorry, this is the Burns unit”

[DIGGER]

I just read the worst page in the entire dictionary .
Disgraceful
Disgusting
Dishonest
Disingenuous

[Chrysalis]

My missus has asked me to get her something silky for Valentine's day,
No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong colour!!

 

[MidlandBrewer]

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

[DIGGER]

I keep getting nuisance calls on my mobile.

The same call every 10 minutes saying ,you said you would be back from the pub 3 hours ago..

[Blackpool rocket]

Not been in for a while so might be a pearoast:

Somebody put 2" of top soil on my allotment last week. I went back yesterday and they had added another 2".

The plot thickens.

[rogerbodger]

Somebody put 2" of top soil on my allotment last week. I went back yesterday and they had added another 2".

The plot thickens.

Do the mods need to dig into this a bit deeper, as I suspect dirty jokes are not permitted