[ThatsNice]

Shamelessly pinched from Faceache

[BussinSpain]

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road Show.

"Ooh" said the presenter. This is a very rare set, produced by the John's Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?

"Sticks" Paddy replied.

[Welsh Merf]

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the lane when they spot a wooden crate tucked away in the hedgerow. Paddy goes to investigate and opens up the crate to find three unexploded hand-grenades inside. He tells Murphy what he's found and asks: "What's the best thing to do with this lot now, Murphy?

Murphy replies: 'I think its best to take them down to the police station."

"But what do we do if one of them explodes on the way there?" asks Paddy.

"Oh, we'll tell them we only found two!"

[The Golden Heap]

In light of the recent beef scandal I have switched suppliers to a factory in china,

Quarter pandas any one?

[JayG]

A couple of Yorkshire jokes (possibly not everyone will "get" them!)    

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."Vet: "Is it
a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' me!"

****

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have
a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft get, I want it chewin' a bone!"

[arugula]

 

As you know, I find accents fascinating.

[Springlands]

 

[John]

For a real challenge, try the potteries dialect. When my Grandad got going I couldna mek owt word

http://www.thepotteries.org/dialect.html#mar

[arugula]

Some reading there John, I particularly like the duck transactions.

[Chrysalis]

I teach children from the Potteries, and it's strange accent gives rise to weird and wonderful singing, such as

"Wurrr is loov? Doos it fawl from skays aboov?" from that well-known Stoke musical "Oliver".

Makes me crease up, bless!

[Welsh Merf]

I was working on my allotment the other day when my mate decided to come over and fit guttering on my new shed. He was up on the ladder while I was painting down below.

He clumsily dropped his power drill on my head. One minute I was painting, and the next minute...............Bosch!

[Welsh Merf]

A married woman had another man in her bed.

Her small son walked into the bedroom without warning. He panicked at what he saw and hid in the wardrobe, glad that neither his mother or the other man had seen him.

Suddenly the front door opened and her husband arrived home early from work. She told her lover to hide in the wardrobe, not knowing that her son was in there.

'It's dark in here,' said the little boy.
'Yes it is,' agreed the man.
'I've got a cricket ball for sale,' said the little boy. 'I want £20 for it.'
'Don't be silly,' said the stranger. 'That's far too much.'
'Does my dad know you're in here?'
'Ok, ok, here's £20 for your cricket ball.'

A month later the two of them found each other in the wardrobe again.

'It's dark in here.'
The man groaned.
'I've got a cricket bat for sale. I want £100 for it.'
'Now that's ridiculous.'
'Does my.......'
'Ok, ok. Here's £100.'

A few weeks later the mother took her son to church, so that he could be blessed with the other small children. The priest called them to confession, each in turn.

The little boy walked between the dark curtains. 'Oh! It's dark in here!'

'Don't start all that again,' said the priest.

[Sparkyrog]

(Women will LOVE this one!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.


Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.


This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.


Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever
Don't mess with them.

[ryetek]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!". He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages

[mumofstig]

Good'un