[wighty]

That is so funny , for all the wrong reasons!  (This is my personal opionion)

[Jamie Butterworth]

Why is it that if you go into a library and scream at the top of your voice, everyone looks at you like your mental.

Yet if you scream at the top of your voice on a plane, everyone joins in.

[yorky]

The British population were asked if the Polish immigrants were a problem?

23% said yes “it’s a serious problem”

77% said “czek bardzo mi milu gdzie djest toaldta”

[yorky]

Humpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

[snowdrops]

In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life,Id like to come back as a bear.
When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for 6 months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate,you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)while you're sleeping & wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone Knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.


If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs & excess body fat.


                    Yup, gonna be a bear!

[elibump]

 

[Paul Plots]

The Talking Centipede   

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,   

                 "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,   

         "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, 

   "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, 


"I heard you the first b****** time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

[arugula]

 

[elibump]

 

[Jamie Butterworth]

Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory."

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

[Nige2Plots]

Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory."

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

I like that

[elibump]

    

[Paul Plots]

 

[yorky]

A man goes into a Dentists Surgery and says,"can you help me? I keep thinking that I am a Moth"

The Dentist says, "Why come to me? Im a Dentist you need to see a Psychiatrist"

The man says, "I know, but your light was on"

[JayG]

Having just watched a profile about Ken Dodd on Beeb2 I'm afraid I just have to pass this one on:

Used to think I was a great lover until I found out that all my girlfriends had athsma.