i'm much calmer now 
i do have a hydrometer and intend to use it!
please tell me if i'm on the right track ...
i wait for a few days then when bubbles and foaming stops, use hydrometer and when it bobs about and reads zero i can syphon into keg with approx 2oz sugar ... leave it for about 3 weeks ... then put lager in 2 litre plastic bottles .. (at this point i may need a co2 cylinder thingy) put bottles in cool place .... and leave ... for how long? ... and drink
btw ... i do appreciate your patience with me :oops:
Firstly, either you are putting the bucket-fermented beer straight into bottles (with a teaspoon of sugar per pint), OR you are putting into a pressure keg. If you are using a keg, then that is it, you don't then bottle it later. It is drunk straight from the keg, dispensed under it's own gas pressure (from the secondary 2oz of sugar) for about half the brew, before you will need to inject some gas (CO2) to propel the remainder out the keg. If you are going for bottles, then it goes straight into the bottles from the bucket. Plastic bottles are ok as long as they are ones that previously contained gassy liquids (beer, fizzy pop, fizzy cider, etc). Don't use any old plastic bottle as they may not be strong enough to contain pressure (still cordial bottles for instance). Glass bottles are better, they look nicer and are easy to clean. BUT - on no account use glass bottles that aren't pressure bottles (as above). Apart from messy, they are very dangerous if they do explode (flying glass). And they will have a tendency to explode when disturbed - just when you pick them up for instance! Wine bottles are no good, neither are milk bottles or still cider bottles. Beer bottles are best and the best ones of all are Grolsch bottles with the swing-tops that can be used again and again. Normal beer bottles will need a supply of traditional metal caps and a device for putting them on (a capper). At this stage you are probably better using what you can (screw cap bottles) rather than rush out and buy loads of kit
Keep the bucket in the same place to do its job. If it's warm as you say, this should take 7 days (at best) or more likely about 10 days. Measure the sugar content with the hydro after say 7 days. Keeping in the bucket a day or two longer than a zero reading won't do any harm as long as it's covered.
The day you decide to siphon out, you need to have the bucket on a higher level than whatever receptacle(s) you are siphoning into - gravity is all important in siphoning - liquid won't flow 'up hill'. If you have to move the bucket to achieve this, then do so a couple of hours before the operation to let any disturbance settle again. Obviously don't be rough when you move the bucket - no sloshing about and disturbing the bottom sediment. Carry the bucket carefully (you may need help, it will be fairly heavy). Don't trust the bucket handle (or handles) alone when carrying. You won't be the first person who has a handle snap or become detached whilst carrying :shock: A fine mess can result and the carpet will stink of beer forever. I carefully carry the bucket and put it on the kitchen worktop and have my receiving vessel or bottles on the kitchen floor (which is tiled so easy to clean any drops spilled).
When you put the bucket on the worktop/table or whatever, it's a good idea to put a short beam of timber (3" x 2" or similar) under the rear edge of the bucket, so tilting the bucket forwards a bit. This helps you to get the most out with the siphon tube as the liquid gathers in the forward area. When you get the hang of it, and as the bucket becomes near empty (and thus lighter in weight), you can manually tilt even further so as to get almost all the liquid without the sediment. It can be a bit tricky and it's no shame to have a 2nd pair of hands to help.
If you're really careful, you can use a clean jug (do it steadily and slowly - no plunging the jug in) to get around 3 qtrs of the beer out, before resorting to a siphon. Modern yeasts form a much tighter deposit that clings better to the bottom than yeasts of old that were much easier disturbed. If you use the jug method, then a clean funnel is all that's needed to get the beer into bottles. Into a keg shouldn't need a funnel as the opening is adequate for pouring direct from the jug.
Put your siphon tube (make sure it's clean and has had a solution of steriliser run through it - then rinse through with clean water) in the bucket as low as possible without touching the bottom sediment. An old fashioned wooden clothes peg (the ones that have a spring and two jaws) is a good aid to clip the pipe to the rim of the bucket and keep it there, thus freeing your hands. The good thing about bottles is that if the last half gallon or so in the bucket does encounter some disturbance and you get a bit of clouding, then it's only those last bottles that get it. You can always mark the bottles and take extra care when pouring from them. Any cloudiness will still settle as bottle sediment, just a bit more of it than your first bottles.
Your siphon tube is best fitted with a tap at the delivery end that you can turn off as each bottle is filled. Nonetheless, pint bottles fill quite rapidly and you need to have your wits about you, be fairly dextrous and not clumsy, else you'll overfill, have beer pouring out the top, which then causes a bit of panic which is how accidents happen. Kegs aren't as bad as there is no way you can overfill the keg - they are usually 40 pints plus allowance in capacity. If you use bottles and find the events a bit too quick for your liking, then again, siphon the beer into a clean 2 pint (or even larger) jug and from there funnel into the bottle. As I said, I prefer the jug method from the beginning, and only tend to use the siphon for the last half or even quarter. It's much quicker and less tricky.
It is best not to lift the submerged end of the siphon tube out of the beer in the bucket. The clothes peg will help in keeping the tube in the same place throughout. If you do need to (carefully) move the tube a little deeper as the beer level falls, then do so, and peg it again in its new position. If the end is lifted out of the beer, or the tube isn't deep enough and the level falls below the end of the tube, then the beer will cease to flow, and you'll have to submerge it further and start again by sucking on the tube. Nice you may think, but repeated submerging and erm, sucking, can result in disturbing the sediment a little, especially the lower the level is. Much better to get the tube as low as possible the 1st time and peg into position. Use the tap on the delivery end of the tube to stop/start the flow.
If you do have a minor upset, disturb some sediment and the beer clouds, then don't despair. Put the lid back on the bucket (loosely will do) and wait a couple of hours for it to settle again, then resume.
The secondary ferment in the keg or bottles should take a minimum of 3 days in a warm place. Better to say a week. Then move the bottles (generally easier) or the keg into a cool place and wait another 3 days (if you're impatient and need a drink) or again a week. Beer will get better and better the longer it's stored (up to about 6 months max). The last bottles will taste nicer than the first, unless you guzzle it all in the first week - not unknown I have to admit.
I try (don't always succeed) to keep a bottle or two to one side for a few months to let it mature fully, by which time I've made a 2nd or even 3rd (or even more :shock: ) brew to be going on with. Try to start another brew in the bucket when you've got down to half your bottles or keg, so as to have more or less a continuous supply. You will however need a 2nd keg, or loads more bottles to achieve this overlap. Just start collecting stuff you need as of now. Plastic beer-bottle crates (or even milk-bottle crates) are useful for keeping bottles neatly together and for ease of moving them around.
Equip yourself with a couple of plastic measuring jugs (2 pints and even larger if you see one) and a new plastic funnel. Keep these to one side and use them just for brewing. Sterilise them each time you bring them out for use, and wash and rinse them afterwards. Another invaluable device is an ordinary 1 pint (half litre) plant sprayer. The plastic type that you operate by hand-squeezing a trigger - the sort used for spraying your plants against greenfly and such. Get a new one and keep exclusively for brewing. Fill it with a solution of steriliser - it will keep ok and potent for weeks. This is useful for spot-sterilising areas, the insides of buckets, jugs, funnels etc, and even the worktop. You can quickly cover the inside of a bucket with a fine mist of solution. It's economical in the use of steriliser and you don't have to have pints of solution sloshing about all over.
I suppose I should say this - please drink responsibly - not that you didn't know this already.
