The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1725 on: August 14, 2011, 05:49 »
That's the net result Learner!

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Paul Plots

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1726 on: August 14, 2011, 10:55 »
That's the net result Learner!

 :lol: :lol:
Never keep your wish-bone where your back-bone ought to be.

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hillfooter

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1727 on: August 14, 2011, 12:14 »
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz............Ahhhhhhhhhh! .......yawwwwn ...... oh no this used to be a brill thread but this grouper sprats are still pouting fishy spoonerisms they must be off their perch.  I wish they'd stop their barbel and change their tuna or do it out of my herring.  There must be a whelk of witty dorys still to tell to give us a cockle, we can but tope.

I’m just grateful  I haven’t caught this load of abalone.
HF
Truth through science.

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dugless

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1728 on: August 14, 2011, 17:06 »
back to the plot

  A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' 

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;  likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 

   The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 

    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 

    'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken' 
Time is more precious than Gold
Spend it Wisely

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Paul Plots

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1729 on: August 15, 2011, 01:59 »
A biker is visiting a zoo in Brisbane when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A Courier Mail reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army and a Liberal voter.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
"AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
Not that funny.  :(

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dugless

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1730 on: August 15, 2011, 08:18 »
Perhaps not but apt

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catllar

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1731 on: August 15, 2011, 14:47 »
Here's one from my brother-in-law:  My mate Murphy went on the riots last week - he and his crew hit Argos -  if you want one, he's got 500 catalogues,  dead cheap!

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min200

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1732 on: August 15, 2011, 21:29 »
About 4 weeks ago, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute
shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the
Christmas season right then.

It was dark, cold, and wet in the multi-story car park as I loaded my
car up with the gifts I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was
missing the shop receipt which I would need to get out of the car park
without paying, so mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the
shopping centre entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a
quiet sobbing.
The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat and was just wearing a ragged
flannel shirt to protect him from the cold evenings chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding two fifty pound notes in his hand, and
thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was
wrong and he told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four
sisters and his father had died when he was seven years old. His mother
was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs to make ends meet.
Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to
buy her children Christmas presents.


His mother had dropped him off on the way to her second job, and he was
to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and
save just enough to take the bus home. As he had not even entered the
shopping centre, an older boy grabbed two of his fifty pound notes and
disappeared into the night.


"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
"I did" the boy replied.
"And nobody came to help you?"
The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I enquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"



I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for
help,

so I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and ran off.

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min200

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1733 on: August 15, 2011, 22:00 »
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard . The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ....

... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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pigeonpie

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1734 on: August 16, 2011, 00:22 »
RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the b******’s name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk

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Paul Plots

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1735 on: August 16, 2011, 00:54 »
RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the b******’s name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk


Many a true word said in jest!  :lol:

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dugless

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1736 on: August 16, 2011, 16:51 »
who ever thought of this one.

I'm surprised someone didn't have a heart attack!

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1284484047961
 

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Paul Plots

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1737 on: August 16, 2011, 23:16 »
who ever thought of this one.

I'm surprised someone didn't have a heart attack!

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1284484047961
 


Excellent........ that's certainly using your head.  :lol:

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hillfooter

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1738 on: August 17, 2011, 01:44 »
who ever thought of this one.

I'm surprised someone didn't have a heart attack!

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1284484047961
 


Now that's very clever :lol:
HF

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rainie

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1739 on: August 18, 2011, 00:50 »
Beware of Shampoo
I just discovered this important info below. Please share with all your friends. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!


It's the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh!)

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!

Well, I’ve got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Fairy’s Dish Washing Liquid instead.

Its label reads:

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone . .. . I'll be in the shower!
Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.



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