[Chrysalis]

The market for inflatable lawnmowers is sinking.

[hamstergbert]

In livestock, cattle sales show signs of a bull market,

Crampons are climbing,

Jockstraps are holding up well,

Stain removers faded during the day

St Vitus traders are however somewhat jittery,

Shares in Wimbledon rallied well,

Disappointment in some quarters when a much anticipated 'dead cat bounce' turned out to be just some tiny price rally on collapsed shares and not in fact anything to do with felines and tall buildings

Some brokers were caught short on Dulcolax,

Botox firmed up well

After Christmas, brokers fared slightly better than totally skinters

[Growster...]

He's got two children, Eight and Eleven!

Funny names...

[Steveharford]

A woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem
to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most
beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed she decided to try
doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Dave NE]

When I was just a little girl I asked my mother what will I be,
will I be famous, will I be rich,
heres what she said to me,
son, we have to talk.

[rogerbodger]

Two Irish fellas in their local pub sat by the log fire enjoying half a Guinness and having a chat.
In walks a stranger, dressed in his best tweed and wearing some very expensive leather boots and a deer stalker hat.
The stranger orders a fine whiskey and begins to sip it while stood at the bar.
 
"Would ya look at that fella " says Mick to Shaun.
" Looks like he is one of those effluent types to me.....must be worth a shillin or two"  say's Shaun.
"Away and ask him what he does to earn the coin"
 
So...up goes Mick and sidles up to the stranger...."Not seen you in these parts before Sir" says Mick.
 
"Hello" says the stranger "Its my first visit, I am here on business"
 
"What business would that be" asks Mick.
 
"I keep Bees"
 
"What......bumble Bees ?" Mick asks.
 
"yes"
 
"How can you earn money from bees"
 
" Well.....every morning at 07.30 I go to the hives and smoke the bees out....they then fly off to the park to pollinate the flowers...... I then extract the honey they have produced"
 
"Really" says Mick.
 
"Yes.....I then place the honey in glass jars and sell it for extortionate prices in places such as Harrods of London"
 
"Marvellous" says Mick who then returns to his friend.
 
"Well....what did he say ?" asks Shaun.
 
"Your man keeps bees"
 
"What........ bumble bees ? "
 
"Yes........every morning at 07.30 he lets the bees fly off to the park to pollinate the flowers, while they are gone, he pinches the honey and sells it for lots of money in Harrods"
 
" Your man is a liar Mick"
 
" Now why would you be saying that Shaun ? "
 
" Well for a start..... I know for a fact.................the park does not open till 09.00

[snowdrops]

Sorry Rog but the first inaccuracy is bumble bees don't make honey, honey bees do 😄😄

[Tenhens]

What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?


.
>


>


>


>


>


Chicken sees a salad.

[oakridge]

All in the Language

Sean is the vicar of a Church of England parish, on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:

"THE END IS NEAR.

TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW.

BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells:

"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says:

"Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say: BRIDGE CLOSED?

[oakridge]

I have kleptomania, But When it gets bad, I take something for it~

Follow your dreams! Except that one where you're naked in Church.

Heaven is Where:

The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

In just two days from now, Tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist With a limited inventory.

I may be schizophrenic, But at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

[hamstergbert]

......Follow your dreams! Except that one where you're naked in Church.....

Man, I LOVE that dream!

[Chrysalis]

It could be better than the Vicar being naked! 

[Growster...]

Nice one Oakridge!

Reminds me of this: -

Poster in street says 'Buy tomorrow's 'Times''!

Old gentleman peers at it saying 'Damn and blast, I've gorn and bought today's'!

[oakridge]

There's more, how much can you stand?


I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE, Sometimes I even put it in the food.

When you work here, You can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Red meat is not bad for you, Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Impossibilities in the world
1- You can't count your hair.
2- You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3- You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Please put your tongue back inside your mouth, you look stupid.

[Yorkie]

 

Hands up who got caught out by that number 3 (and then read the final line) of oakridge's post?