The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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Paul Plots

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1350 on: January 22, 2011, 18:33 »
Dog tired tyred?

a scooter made for 2.jpg
Never keep your wish-bone where your back-bone ought to be.

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Kleftiwallah

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1351 on: January 24, 2011, 12:00 »
What has eight corners and long ears?   A cubic hare !  I'll get me coat.   Cheers,   Tony.
I may be growing OLD, but I refuse to grow UP !

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1352 on: January 25, 2011, 14:06 »
i recently watched an interview where heather mills burst into tears.

apparently because she was being called a gold digger.

but surely she's got to see it from our side she does resemble a pirate.
i dont suffer with insanity..........i enjoy every minute of it.

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Paul Plots

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1353 on: January 28, 2011, 22:12 »
What not to do in your English Country Garden

Please put your speakers on and be patient with the intro....worth the wait, I hope!  ;)

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DD.

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1354 on: January 28, 2011, 22:34 »
A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

Did it really tell you to do THAT on the packet?

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Springlands

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1355 on: January 29, 2011, 14:25 »
 :D :D

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yorky

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1356 on: January 30, 2011, 18:57 »
Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

"Where did you get this from?" ask the expert.

"It's been in my loft for the last 40 years, you think it's a heirloom?" says Paddy

"Do you have insurance?"

"No should I ?" replies Paddy

"Yeah" says the expert "It's your water tank?"
Sets a low standard and fails to achieve it.

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yorky

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1357 on: January 30, 2011, 19:00 »
Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Tax Office. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate £10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

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juliec

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1358 on: January 30, 2011, 19:00 »
Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

"Where did you get this from?" ask the expert.

"It's been in my loft for the last 40 years, you think it's a heirloom?" says Paddy

"Do you have insurance?"

"No should I ?" replies Paddy

"Yeah" says the expert "It's your water tank?"
:D :D :D

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yorky

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1359 on: January 30, 2011, 19:06 »
Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!

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yorky

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1360 on: January 30, 2011, 19:56 »
Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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juliec

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1361 on: January 30, 2011, 20:27 »
Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Brilliant and I must admit I've used a couple in my youth!!

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Springlands

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1362 on: January 31, 2011, 08:38 »
Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Brilliant and I must admit I've used a couple in my youth!!

Hi JulieC - you cannot just leave it there  ::) ::) which ones did you use  :D

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Jamie Butterworth

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1363 on: February 01, 2011, 09:48 »
My uncle has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from edinbrough zoo.
If you want to be happy for a short time - get drunk.

If you want to be happy for a long time - fall in love.

If you want to be happy forever - take up gardening!

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aelf

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1364 on: February 01, 2011, 09:56 »
I understand that there are a lot of emails going round about tinned meat.

Don't worry, it's only spam

 :)
There's more comfrey here than you can shake a stick at!

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