[davethespread]

im going to start up my own company selling dairy products from ingredients sourced only from the middle east.

im calling it  cheeses of nazareth

                              *                            *                             *
i remember last years Christmas present for my son was an empty box.

i told him it was action man deserter

[John]

                              *                            *                             *
i remember last years Christmas present for my son was an empty box.

i told him it was action man deserter

 

[plum crumble]

  at davethespread. Silly sausage

[CluckyChicken]

  just read everything.  many laughs, and if I may I might add one:
what does a chinese chicken say?


wok wok wok wok wok wok wok  :happy:

[GTFC197]

Paddy and Murphy having a day out in London when they spot a sign in a shop window,

Suits £10

Jackets £6

Shirts  £2,,

"Wow", said Paddy, "now there's a bargain, lets' buy the whole stock".

Murphy says,  "Ok, but don't let them know we are Irish cos they'll try ripping us off".


They go into the shop and Paddy says in his best English accent,

"Can we buy your entire stock,my good man".

The man behind the counter says,

"You are both Irish aren't you"

"How did you guess", asks Paddy,

"Easy", said the shop assistant,



" This is a dry cleaners"     

[GTFC197]

little Johnny wasn't doing very well in school, always causing trouble, so his parents sent him to a religious boarding school.

After 2 months his grades had improved, his behaviour was faultless.

His parents were very pleased but also very curious as to the big change in him, so they asked him for an explanation,

Johnny replied,


"The first day I walked into the school and saw that poor guy nailed to the cross, I knew that they meant business" .

[GTFC197]

An old lady walked into the doctors and said

"Doctor, I pass wind quite a lot, but at least it doesn`t smell and it`s silent. In fact, I`ve passed wind twice since I`ve been in here and you didn`t notice. Can you give me something to stop it?

A week later she was back in the surgery/

"Those pills you gave me doctor. When I pass wind now, it smells terrible".

The doctor said,

" Well that`s cleared your sinuses. Now we must sort out your hearing".

[Yorkie]

 

[CluckyChicken]

An old lady walked into the doctors and said

"Doctor, I pass wind quite a lot, but at least it doesn`t smell and it`s silent. In fact, I`ve passed wind twice since I`ve been in here and you didn`t notice. Can you give me something to stop it?

A week later she was back in the surgery/

"Those pills you gave me doctor. When I pass wind now, it smells terrible".

The doctor said,

" Well that`s cleared your sinuses. Now we must sort out your hearing".

 :happy: :happy: :happy:

[Y.E.A.H]

keep'em coming 

[elibump]

Sorry if this has been on b4, but it makes me laugh especially at this time of year with over-indulgence and thoughts of new year resolutions!

Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn. And what are these?   Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chopcan give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?   
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!
         
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?   
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 
Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?   
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?   
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?   
A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape! 


And  remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"
   
AND......


For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats 
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you
 
 
 
 

[GTFC197]

That is exactly my lifestyle, I'm 56 in Jan and all my cholestral test have come back normal, heart rate normal, weight in the normal range,

mentallity? now that's a different matter, as my jokes show.

They always say that men never grow up, why should we when the women take care of us

Now I'm in trouble, don't care cos you're there and I'm here!!!!!!

Happy yuletide everyone.

[davethespread]

its getting close to that time of the year when the fat person with a beard

comes round with presents for the kids.

or as the wife likes to call her,mum.

                                  *                                 *                                  *

i said to me nan "what would you like for Christmas nan?"

she said "something from the body shop please dear"

i hope she's got room in her flat for the front wing off a mondeo

[Jamie Butterworth]

I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".

That should keep my neighbours on their toes for a while.

[John]

Nice one, Jamie And Dave