[Jamie Butterworth]

Yep

Got told it by one of my teachers today

[Dirt Diver]

Yep

Got told it by one of my teachers today

Jamie - the old ones are best, I had not heard that one. 

[Paul Plots]

Nice one Jamie!! 

[Paul Plots]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."
 
 
So sorry I know there is something wrong with me for posting this.  Just couldn't help it!   
 
The little voices made me do it !!!
 
And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you  - I know you did!

[Aunt Sally]

    Brilliant 

[GTFC197]

Need advice on price of meat,


I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.00,





is that,,,     



2deer


couldn't resist it,

[GTFC197]

Husband sat watching tv, wife comes into the room crying and says,


"Ive just fell down the stairs, didn't you hear me",


Husband says,

"Sorry dear, I thought it was the start of Eastenders".

[Springlands]

Husband sat watching tv, wife comes into the room crying and says,


"Ive just fell down the stairs, didn't you hear me",


Husband says,

"Sorry dear, I thought it was the start of Eastenders".

    (Now the theme tune is going through my head - bump, bumpbumpbump, bump, bump)

[Thrift]

Thanks Learner. I love the 'ham bush' !!   

[Paul Plots]

Thanks Learner. I love the 'ham bush' !!   

I'm still trying to do the accent 

[JayG]

Thanks Learner. I love the 'ham bush' !!   

Me too!! 

(Sometimes guess the punchline before I get there but not this time!) 

[davethespread]

ive got myself a part time job on the run up to Christmas.



ive got to help audley harrison break through the cardboard on his advent calender.

[Glosterboy]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.  The class was in full swing.  The  instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the  men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of  the pregnancy.

She said  "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.  Walking is  especially beneficial.  It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."  Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
 
She looked at the men in  the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together  --  It  wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. "
 
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
 
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
 
"Yes", answered the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

[Paul Plots]

Hamming it up....

[Jamie Butterworth]

Mark (Horsepooisgood) sent me this one

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find his entire herd of
cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like
statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like
this would happen.

The realization of the situation then dawned on him.With his entire
livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife
and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his
hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an
elderly woman walked by, 'What's the matter?' asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament
to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows'
noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what
she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who
had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. 'You know who that
was don't you?' asked the passer-by.

'No' said the farmer 'who is she?'



'That was Thora Hird.