[Y.E.A.H]

here's a joke i made up 

what do you call a bird who's parents weren't married ?............

a bustard.

for anyone who doesn't know a bustard is a kind of bird 

[Aunt Sally]

Nice one BB 


The English make jokes about Essex people (they are all thick).

Kent people make jokes about Isle of Sheppy people (they all have six fingers).

Australians make jokes about Tasmanians (not sure why).

It seem that every society has to have a focus group to stereotype and be the butt of jokes, it's just a normal part of our psychology.  In these days of "political correctness" we have lost some of our funniest jokes 

[djeban]

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
    That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

[Y.E.A.H]

thanks Aunty 

here's another one i made, not as good though.

how do lions get there meat delivered ?.......

in a "car"cass 

[elibump]

Please be careful not to offend our [many] Irish members.  I find in general that they have an extremely high IQ 

I am minded of the Irish lad who in the summer vacation from Trinity College went for a job on a building site in London.  The foreman, who had a knee-jerk dislike of all Irish,  was unimpressed, didn't even look at his CV.   He just went straight onto the attack with "Ah, you Irish are all thick.  Bet you don't even know the difference between 'joist' and 'girder' now can you!"

The Irish lad shrugged.  "Of course I know the difference!" he replied mildly.  "Girder wrote 'the Damnation of Dr Faust' and Joist wrote 'Ulysses'....."

    I really like that one!

[Y.E.A.H]

What’s brown and runs around the garden? …A fence.

[Y.E.A.H]

A friend of mine, who was a keen gardener was out in his plot one day, when his neighbour popped his head over the fence and asked for some advice on planting potatoes. My friend told him that soil preparation was very important and to dig two spade depths, this being to loosen the stiff clay. Later that day, my friend looked over the fence to see how things were going, and you can imagine his surprise to see his neighbours head just sticking out of the top of this deep trench. His neighbour had thought that two spades depth meant the full spade including the handle!

[Y.E.A.H]

One cold night a man is sat by the fire watching his favourite television programme. The wind is howling and all of a sudden there is a tap, tap, tap on the door. The man thinks nothing of it and gets back to his telly. Five minutes pass and there it goes again, tap, tap, tap. So in a bit of a mood he gets up and opens the door. No one there! So he goes back and sits down. Just as before there is a little tap, tap, tap on the door. Up he gets again and opens the door. A quiet little voice shouts out “down here”, the man looks down, and at his feet is a little snail.

The man says rather sternly “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” “I’m cold and hungry, can I come in and sit by the fire and have something to eat”? Says the snail. “NO”, says the man and he lifts his foot, swings it back and takes an almighty swing and kicks the snail right over the garden wall. The man sits down and gets back to his programme.

Six months pass and the man is having his lunch when he hears a little tap, tap, tap on the front door. He thinks to himself for a while and then goes to answer the door. There at his feet is the same little snail and the man says again “What do you want”? And the snail answers back in a little forlorn voice, “What did you do that for?”

[Y.E.A.H]

A friend of mine mistook a tulip bulb for an onion recently. He went straight to hospital and after a short wait in casualty the doctor saw him.

“Are tulip bulbs poisonous? My friend asked the doctor.

The doctor told him that they were and he would have to be admitted the poisons unit.

“Oh dear” said my friend “How long will I be in for?”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor “You will be out by spring!”

[madcat]

Australians make jokes about Tasmanians (not sure why).

I suspect it might be something to do with the quality of the english exports sent there 200 years ago ....   

[Y.E.A.H]

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

[Aunt Sally]

    You keep coming up with them BB 

[Y.E.A.H]

cheers 

Policeman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night."
Man: "What's the charge officer?"
Policeman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service."

[Aunt Sally]

 

[John]

One absolutely true story though ..... An Irishman in Birmingham went down to the cellar to look for a gas leak ...... With a lighted candle 

True story - some years back we were fitting a kitchen in Birmingham which included a gas hob. A pressure test disclosed a leak so Joe goes into the cupboard to check the joints. As he can't see well he lights a match. Kaboom!!

What really made it funny was Joe had had his hair permed and it had been somewhat singed, his face was black and Chris (the other fitter) launched into a rendition of Mammy. The customer is trying to dial 999 for the ambulance and fire (he was a bit panic-stricken) but gave up as we all dissolved into tears of laughter rolling round the floor. Happy days.