[horsepooisgood]

10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE ☼


Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again , are thunder and lightning.


Commandment 2.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.


Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand --
And divorce is at least 100 grand!


Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year , the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year , they both speak and the neighbors listen.


Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife , you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.


Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


Commandment 7.

Before marriage ,
a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage , he will fall asleep before you finish.


Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding , economical , and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.


Commandment 9.

Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding,
economical and a considerate lover,
but again, the law allows only one husband.


Commandment 10.

Man is incomplete until he marries.
After that, he is finished.

[horsepooisgood]

A long married couple came upon a wishing well.

The wife leaned over , made a wish and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish too.

But he leaned over too much , fell into the well , and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled , "It really works!"

[horsepooisgood]

So, in class, the teacher is giving a lesson in nutrition to the young kids, and to throw in a bit of spelling too, she asks what they had for breakfast, and to spell it.


Little Susan says "I had eggs -- E.G.G.S."

The teacher moves on to little Rose.

Rose tells her "I had toast -- T.O.A.S.T"

Johnny puts his hand up, and shouts "I had begger all -- B.U.G.G.E.R. A.L.L."

The teacher scolds Johnny, and makes a mental note that she could be in for trouble with this one.




The class moves on to Geography.

Susan can tell teacher correctly that the Capital of France is Paris.

Rose can tell teacher that the Capital of Norway is Oslo.

Deciding to put Johnny in his place quickly, she asks him the most difficult question she can.

"Johnny,where is the Pakistani border?"



Johnny ponders the question, and replies:



"The Pakistani Boarder is in bed with my mum,

- that`s why I had begger all for breakfast!"

[horsepooisgood]

A heart surgeon watches a mechanic strip and rebuild a bike engine. The mechanic turns to the surgeon and says "Our jobs are similar and require similar levels of skill and experience, so how come you make 5 times the money that I do?"
The surgeon smiled and said,





"try doing what you just did with the engine running".....

[horsepooisgood]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, which one are you?'

[Starling]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, which one are you?'

Just woke the baby up laughing at that one 
Loved the scout one too.

[agingchick]

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking
buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as
he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
 
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress
a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his
lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened
hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before
proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he
saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he
managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
 
In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt
and his wife staring at him from across the room.
 
She said, "You were drunk again last night."
 
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her
and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
 
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could
be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes, but, mostly....
 
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

[horsepooisgood]

Just plain magic.......

[davethespread]

how do you get 5 charazards and 3 balbasurs on a bus?

pok-em-on

[mumofstig]

groan!
at least having spent the school holidays with a 5 year old.........I understood what you were talking about 

[tedsdad]

Quasimodo walks into a bar and orders a scotch.....


                Barman:    ' Bells  alright  ? '   
   

          Quasimodo:     'What's  it to  you  ?'

[John]

Quasimodo gets home and Esmerelda's got the wok out..

"Are we having Chinese, tonight?" says Quasi.

"No" says Esie, "I'm just ironing your shirts" 

[Dave Mack]

Boy i'm really glad you dont tell to many jokes John 

[Paul Plots]

Quasimodo gets home and Esmerelda's got the wok out..

"Are we having Chinese, tonight?" says Quasi.

"No" says Esie, "I'm just ironing your shirts" 

I bet Quasi got the ' ump over that one! 

[John]

Boy i'm really glad you dont tell to many jokes John 

Sadly I do - but lucky for you they're not fit for a family friendly forum