The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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PennyS

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1530 on: April 14, 2011, 08:18 »
teehee.  :D
Lotty holder since Aug 09... I've FINALLY finished clearing it! On with the p.lanting  ....

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1531 on: April 19, 2011, 09:27 »
i really had my day off for the royal wedding mapped out,it basically consisted of pottering

about in the garden,watching a bit of telly and maybe a couple of glasses of wine.

my son has really scuppered those plans though,he wants my assistance that day

apparently,i was'nt very keen,but camilla really thinks i should help him out.
i dont suffer with insanity..........i enjoy every minute of it.

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hamstergbert

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1532 on: April 19, 2011, 20:16 »
weddings should always be scheduled in the mornings.

That way if it doesn't work out you haven't wasted the whole day...
The Dales - probably fingerprint marks where God's hand touched the world

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Springlands

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1533 on: April 20, 2011, 07:20 »
 :lol: :lol:  to both of the wedding posts

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Paul Plots

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1534 on: April 20, 2011, 07:25 »
weddings should always be scheduled in the mornings.

That way if it doesn't work out you haven't wasted the whole day...

Has someone told Kate and what's-his-name?  :lol:
Never keep your wish-bone where your back-bone ought to be.

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aelf

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1535 on: April 20, 2011, 09:29 »


Has someone told Kate and what's-his-name?  :lol:

Why, who are they?  ???



edit to clarify quote
« Last Edit: April 20, 2011, 09:54 by mumofstig »
There's more comfrey here than you can shake a stick at!

http://www.wedigforvictory.co.uk/dig_icon.gif[/img]

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Paul Plots

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1536 on: April 21, 2011, 01:43 »


Has someone told Kate and what's-his-name?  :lol:

Why, who are they?  ???



edit to clarify quote

Apparently a new couple who haven't been invited to a street party.  ;)

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Lindeggs

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1537 on: April 21, 2011, 03:14 »
Further to the frozen chicken cannon story, here's an article from my favourite myth-busting website, Snopes:
http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.asp

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aelf

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1538 on: April 26, 2011, 15:18 »
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He  goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke  down. Do you think I could stay the night?'

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange and wonderful sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they  say, 'We can't tell you because you're not a  monk.' The  man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, amazingly enough, he same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The  monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his  car.
 
That  night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard  years earlier.
 
The  next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monk again reply: 'We  can't tell you because you're not a  monk.'

The  man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how  do I become a monk?'
 
The  monks reply: 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades  of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you  find these numbers, you will become a  monk.' 

The  man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and  knocks on the door of the monastery. He says: 'I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what  you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and  231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.'

The  monks reply: 'Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now  considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.' They lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk say: 'The sound is behind that door.'

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks: 'May I  have the key?' The  monks give him the key, and he opens the  door.

Behind  the wooden door is another door made of stone. The  man  requests the key to the stone door. 
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of  ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind  that door is another door, this one made of  sapphire.  And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of  emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
 
Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door.'

The man is so relieved to be at the end at last. He unlocks the door, turns  the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight... 

 ..  But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a  monk.

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joyfull

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1539 on: April 26, 2011, 16:32 »
 ::) :lol: :lol:
Staffies are softer than you think.

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mumofstig

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1540 on: April 26, 2011, 16:46 »
even though I knew what was coming...............I still read it to the end to make sure  :nowink:

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Jamie Butterworth

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1541 on: May 04, 2011, 08:07 »
It amazing what the Americans can do when the PS3 network is down.
If you want to be happy for a short time - get drunk.

If you want to be happy for a long time - fall in love.

If you want to be happy forever - take up gardening!

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Trillium

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1542 on: May 04, 2011, 15:52 »
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.....

Today you voted.

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ex-cavator

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1543 on: May 04, 2011, 23:49 »
..... Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door.'

The man is so relieved to be at the end at last. He unlocks the door, turns  the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight... 

 ..  But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a  monk.

There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and  231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. Now tell me?  :lol: :tongue2:

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aelf

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #1544 on: May 05, 2011, 09:55 »
..... Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door.'

The man is so relieved to be at the end at last. He unlocks the door, turns  the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight... 

 ..  But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a  monk.

There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and  231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. Now tell me?  :lol: :tongue2:

sorry ex-cavator, you missed one. You will have to start again  :tongue2:



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