The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3540 on: June 15, 2017, 21:50 »
Nice one Roger!

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Goosegirl

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3541 on: June 17, 2017, 10:39 »
A jewish seamstress was walking down the street when a flasher appeared before her and opened his coat. She looked him up and down then said "Call that a lining?"
I work very hard so don't expect me to think as well.

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3542 on: June 17, 2017, 12:01 »
A jewish seamstress was walking down the street when a flasher appeared before her and opened his coat. She looked him up and down then said "Call that a lining?"

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - marvellous!

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wapello

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3543 on: June 28, 2017, 19:08 »
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."
Colin

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3544 on: June 28, 2017, 19:38 »
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

Laugh then cry, Wapello.

Nice one.

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3545 on: June 29, 2017, 12:07 »
There's an 'old boy' growing his prize leeks for an early show in his greenhouse. To bring them on early, he's got his greenhouse double insulated and lined with light-reflecting silver foil. Mixtures of lights hang over the leeks and at night beams of bright light shine out from the small gaps in the foil making the greenhouse look more like the landing site for an alien space ship straight from Close Encounters.
Suddenly the doors are flung open and, with a lot of shouting, six burly policemen burst in shouting that they have a warrant!
Both parties, police and the 'old boy' are confused by all this but after a few minutes all becomes clear. Our intrepid grower puts the kettle on and makes tea all round and proceeds to apologise that he can't help them as he knows nothing about cannabis growing. But all is not lost, he can help them with a lecture on the finer points of propagating leeks for the horticultural show.
After an hour of this lecture (our hero really knows every detail of his subject) the police finally manage to escape and return to the police station wondering how to write this one up!
Check out our books - ideal presents

John and Val Harrison's Books
 

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3546 on: July 10, 2017, 19:57 »
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate  syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
 
The first worm in alcohol . . .   Dead.
 
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead
 
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . .Dead
 
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive!
 
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"So, my friends?  What did you learn from this demonstration?"
 
Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"


"borrowed" from another forum

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al78

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3547 on: July 10, 2017, 23:16 »
Computer programs are like women. No matter how much you get mad because of errors, you are always the one who is wrong.


My wife said "honey, please go to the shop and buy a pint of milk. If they have eggs, bring back six.

I came back with six pints of milk.

She said: "Why on earth did you buy six pints of milk?".

I said: "Because they had eggs!!!!"


Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

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WirralWally

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3548 on: July 12, 2017, 21:55 »
There's an 'old boy' growing his prize . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

John !
That was terrible.
The successes and failures of each year keep me motivated for the following year.

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3549 on: July 12, 2017, 23:33 »
There's an 'old boy' growing his prize . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

John !
That was terrible.
It's meant as a term of affection (old boy) and the tale was related to me by a show grower who swore it was true. I thought it was really funny, these hardened police busting in expecting some tough criminal and getting something they really didn't expect plus a story to dine out on.

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al78

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3550 on: July 15, 2017, 23:11 »
Murphy's laws of gardening:

"Annuals" mean disappointment once a year.
Your lawn is always slightly bigger than your desire to mow it.
Whichever garden tool you want is always at the back of the shed.
The only way to ensure rain, is to give the garden a good soaking.
Weeds grow at precisely the rate you pull them out.
Nothing ever looks like it does on the seed packet.
Autumn follows summer, winter follows autumn, drought follows planting.
The only way to guarantee some color all year round is to buy a garden gnome.
However bare the lawn, grass will appear in the cracks between the patio paving stones.
Evergreens go a funny shade of brown in the winter.

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3551 on: July 17, 2017, 06:08 »
Sad to hear of the death of George A Romero - but I do hope someone remembered to cut the head off the body.

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3552 on: July 20, 2017, 07:59 »
The instructions on the can of Insect killer said, "Do not spray near eyes". I don't know about you, but I don't find those cans very accurate so I sprayed the whole wasp

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3553 on: July 20, 2017, 20:07 »
DUI Texas style:

          Only a person in Texas could think of this
          From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

          Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

          The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

          After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

          He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

          Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

          He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

          At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

          The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

          To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

          Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.
 
         "I doubt it", said the truly proud Redneck.  'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

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Plot 6B

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3554 on: August 01, 2017, 13:50 »
Why don't Ant's become ill ?

It's because they have Anti - Bodies!!!!!
The fruits of success come from hard work!
A.K.A. Nige2plots



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