This could be emails from our place...
Christmas Crackers
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 1 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 21, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Grill, with a free bar for the first hour. We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 2 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which can coincide with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party”.
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 3 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 6 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are!
I had no idea that there was a belief system that forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours during December. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a lunch at this time of year does not accommodate some of your beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything in tin foil to take away. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Did I miss anything?
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 7 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party
So 21 December marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 8 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our MD dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our MD in a red suit. It's a tradition, folks, like pumpkins at Halloween, family feuds over the Easter break or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up?
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 9 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Grill whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
From: Terry Bishops, Acting HR Manager
Sent: 10 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Pam Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pam Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the clinic.
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 21st off with full pay.
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.