[Nige2Plots]

Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Police,
Police who?
Police don't make me eat Brussel Sprouts this year
 

[hamstergbert]

I was getting rather upset at some of the mad things that were being posted on this website: I thought there was a clause in the terms of use for the forum which required posters to avoid the more insane topics.

However I have to my disappointment finally realised there aint no sanity clause.

[Paul Plots]

I was getting rather upset at some of the mad things that were being posted on this website: I thought there was a clause in the terms of use for the forum which required posters to avoid the more insane topics.

However I have to my disappointment finally realised there aint no sanity clause.

Welcome to the forums.... you'll be ok and fit in nicely 

[pigeonpie]

What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when he hits a car windscreen?

His bum.

[elibump]

How does a blonde make a man's eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear

[John]

How does a blonde make a man's eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear

Clever but oh so cruel

[mumofstig]

How does a blonde make a man's eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear

makes a change for it to be said that way around 

[Aunt Sally]

How does a blonde make a man's eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear

Clever but oh so cruel

Worzel says it's a very sexist joke and he's going to sue you John - Don't worry, I've hidden his 'legal' head

[Jamie Butterworth]

The government have advised that when travelling in these snowy conditions to allways take a shovel, rock salt, a flask, high visibilty jacket, and spare clothes.

I looked a right twit on the bus

[Paul Plots]

The government have advised that when travelling in these snowy conditions to allways take a shovel, rock salt, a flask, high visibilty jacket, and spare clothes.

I looked a right twit on the bus

and it caused real inbalance on my bike 

[davethespread]

Sepp Blatter was asked who his favourite Qatar player was.

he replied Eric Clapton.

[John]

Had to look up Sepp Blatter - we just called him Don Crook of Fifa. (He's the head of FIFA for others who like me would have to resort to Google)

[fatcat1955]

My dad hasn't spoken to my mum for 4 weeks......she say's it's rude to interupt her.

[GTFC197]

Really Bad Day   

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[aelf]

This could be emails from our place... 

Christmas Crackers


From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 1 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 21, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Grill, with a free bar for the first hour.  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
                           
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 2 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which can coincide with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party”.
                                 
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 3 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. 
 
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. 
 
How am I supposed to handle this?  Somebody?
                                 
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 6 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are!
 
I had no idea that there was a belief system that forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours during December. There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a lunch at this time of year does not accommodate some of your beliefs.  Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything in tin foil to take away.  Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets.  Did I miss anything?
                                 
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 7 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

So 21 December marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads?  Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.  Okay???
                             
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 8 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our MD dress up like Santa Claus!  Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our MD in a red suit.  It's a tradition, folks, like pumpkins at Halloween, family feuds over the Easter break or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
 
Could we lighten up?
                                 
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 9 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!?  I've had it with you people!!!  We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Grill whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.  But you know, they have feelings too.  Tomatoes scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right now!
                               
From: Terry Bishops, Acting HR Manager
Sent: 10 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Pam Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pam Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the clinic.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 21st off with full pay.
 
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.