[aelf]

Last night I watched a Japanese football match. At the end, they all started doing marshal arts on each other. Apparently it was two minutes ninjery time. 

[Paul Plots]

Last night I watched a Japanese football match. At the end, they all started doing marshal arts on each other. Apparently it was two minutes ninjery time. 

  

[Glosterboy]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
 me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool ..'
And they say blondes are dumb...

[dugless]

 
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
 
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
 
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
 
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
 
' BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...

(. . . Wait for it ...)


'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

 
 

[Chrysalis]

 

[Springlands]

THE RAISE

Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss:
Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?

Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss:
Yes.

Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,
But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..

Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,
I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?

Employee:
Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss:
Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
Employee:
Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

[Goosegirl]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
 me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool ..'
And they say blondes are dumb...

As a blonde, I would have told him to go to a launderette in Liverpool! 

[Trillium]

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a homecooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."

[Trillium]

These puns are groaners, so read at your own peril. 

 
I changed my iPod name to Titanic, it's syncing now.

I tried to catch some fog, I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns, It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

PMS jokes aren't funny, period .

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory, I hope there's no pop quiz.

The Energizer bunny arrested and Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

[Chrysalis]

Oh thanks, Trillium!!

[dugless]

A man was bought into caualty with suspected concussion
asked what hapend he said iwas speaking on speakers corner whe someone threw a tomato at me.
the nurse said tomatoes would not give you concussion
yes I know but this one came wrapped in a tin

[Jamie Butterworth]

When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a womans body. However, that all changed when i was born.

[GTFC197]

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what hit it.

[plum crumble]

  my pet mouse ELVIS has just died

seems he was Caught in a Trap

[NorthEast Old Newbie]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
 
 Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.