[Goosegirl]

Cadalot - that was brilliant!!! 

[hamstergbert]

A modified version of a self-introduction by Hugh Gallagher, who as you undoubtedly know is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel railway stations in my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kosovan refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike euphonium playing,  I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook three-minute eggs in eleven seconds without the aid of microwaves. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a large hoe and a small glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants, and with a small hoe and a large glass of water I defended an army of ants in the Amazon basin from a horde of small villagers.

I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Leicester Tigers, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electronic appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy underwear.

I don't perspire.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.

I have been  Albert Einstein's 'Phone a Friend' quiz lifeline and the recipient of a letter informing me that I may have already won the Damart free prize draw.

Last summer I toured Kildare and Offaly with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I consistently bat 400 not out and take ten wickets for three runs or less. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, David Copperfield, and all of Roddy Doyle's books in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; and when I do sleep I sleep in a chair. While on holiday in Skegness, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life

But forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a banjo and a moulinex sandwich toaster. I breed prizewinning whelks. I have won bullfights in Torremolinos, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and road safety quizzes at the Kremlin, both pre- and post-glasnost. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.  Recently.

And they still expect me to put money into the office coffee float…

[dugless]

Unfortunately the rest of the world cannot understand British Humour especially when we are taking the Micky. 

[John]

Whilst strolling round the harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist who slipped from the quayside and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
 
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, and the Immigration Office.
 
It is now 6pm p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond. I'm starting to think I wasted three stamps.

[Sparkyrog]

 

[dugless]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
>
> Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
> So they brought the cow over from Wales.
>
> It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
>
> They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
>
> They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
>
> No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
>
> The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, and tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
>
> "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
>
> The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?".
>
> The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.
>
> "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?"
>
> The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wales".
>

[John]

Brilliant one, Dugless
 

[Snoop]

Very discerning, these Welsh females. Obviously accustomed to a higher class of male.

[John]

Just because the election is over, we've not changed our no politics rule, so I've removed the last few posts. That includes US politics etc as well.

[rogerbodger]

"I didn't see that coming" said the man who threw the first boomerang

[Blackpool rocket]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying told you I was speeding, too!"

[John]

I'll file that one away if I get done again

[Blackpool rocket]

My husband asked me for lip balm the other day but I gave him superglue by mistake.

He's still not talking to me. 

[cadalot]

Note to self don't drink coffee when reading this thread 

[8doubles]

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.