[rogerbodger]

Owls aren't as wise as people think .... it should be Tu Whit Tu WHOM !

[Growster...]

At an expensive restaurant, a man and an attractive woman were having a candle-lit dinner, when the waiter noticed the man slowly sliding out of his chair and under the table. The woman seemed not to notice as her companion disappeared from view.

"Excuse me madam", the waiter said, "But I think your husband is under the table"!

"No he isn't," the woman replied, eyeing the waiter calmly, "My husband just walked through the door"!

[wighty]

Teacher is trying to find out if her class knows where their food comes from and asks 'what do we get from chickens?'  Little Johnny at the back puts his hand up and says 'eggs'  'Well done Johnny' says the teacher 'and what do we get from pigs?'  Again Johnny puts up his hand and shouts out 'bacon'.  'Well done Johnny' says the teacher, 'now how about this one, what do we get from cows?' 'Homework' is Johnny's reply.

[DD.]

[Springlands]

DD - no wonder your reindeer has a rather cheeky look on its face.   

[rogerbodger]

What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat? It's the Milky Baa Kid!

I love wearing cowboy lingerie; the silky bras are on me!

This cowboy hat isn't one of my direct relatives, he's my stet-son.

I had metal stars attached to the back of my boots but I took them off the other day - it was a spur of the moment thing.

I was asked why Big Chief Sitting Bull was in the middle of my allotment - he's my cabbage apache.

(credit to Tim Vine for most of these)

[rogerbodger]

A pantomime horse walks into a bar. Barman says "Pint?" Horse says "No two halves"

Ebenezer Scrooge walks into a Bah, Humbug.

I went to the school's nativity play yesterday - it was a class act!

How do you know if Santa's been in your allotment shed? You've got 3 extra hoes.

[Chrysalis]

 

[snowdrops]

Just seen this whilst looking to help
http://chat.allotment-garden.org/index.php?topic=52701.msg895976#msg895976
Hope nobody minds me reposting it. Min I'm still laughing at it thank you

[MickyB]

Brilliant Min200 

It made me nervous just looking at the photo. A great bit of photo editing - I hope!

[Val H]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[Yorkie]

V good 

[hamstergbert]

Perth, Western Australia
 
An Aussie SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in east Perth.

The 'Toys-R-Us' Store Manager told 'The West Australian' that a man was seen on surveillance cameras putting a laptop under his jacket at the store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door.
 
Outside were four SAS Troopers collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program.

Smith said the Troopers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, in the back.  The cut did not appear to be severe.

The suspect was transported by ambulance to the Royal Perth Hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw...injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run off after the stabbing.

[rogerbodger]

No wind or rain forecast for tomorrow.

The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys.

[Raven81]

I know something similar to this has been posted before but this gave me a well needed laugh and could imagine the men in my life saying these!

Sorry about the capitals, I copy and pasted it!

MAN RULES

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...