[GTFC197]

A woman takes her duck to the vets, the vet says "sorry dear but this duck is dead."

"Well I never" said the woman, "I want a second opinion."

So the vet goes out and comes back with a Black Labrador - the dog sniffs the duck and walks out.

Next the vet brings a cat in - the cat sits and stares at the duck then it too walks out.

The vet gives the woman the bill for £250.

At this point the woman screams at him "250 pounds just to tell me the duck is dead?"

"Yes" says the vet, "it was only going to be £20 but you have also had a lab report and a cat scan!"

[GTFC197]

A man's wife hits him across the head. He says "What's that for?"

She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sally written on it".

Quick as a flash he says "that's the name of a horse I bet on today, you silly woman" - she apologises.

A week later she hits him over the head with a frying pan! He says, "What was that for?".

She replies, "Your horse has just phoned!"

[JayG]

We'll be friends until we're old and senile.

And then, we'll be new friends!


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Couldnt' help wondering why the frisbee seemed to be getting bigger and bigger.

Then it suddenly hit me!

[Dellie]

  , realy funny GTFC, hope you don't mind but I've already passed these on!

[juliec]

a festive one....


What do elves learn at school??



The Elf Abet..

Sorry my 5 year old gran daughter told me that one.

xx

[GTFC197]

Coronation Street have just renamed their football team, they are now known as,,,



Tram-near-rovers,

[Yorkie]

Groan 

[hamstergbert]

In these litigious times I offer the following Christmas greeting to one and all...

From me ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishees")

Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non- addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that :

* This greeting may be subject to further clarification or withdrawal

* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent seasonal greeting, whichever comes first.

* The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor

* Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

And finally after all that..........

A MERRY Christmas AND A HAPPY NEW HOTICULTURAL YEAR

[elibump]

Eli xx

[juliec]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
> into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like
> "Brian!
>
>
>
>
> Passenger: "Who?"
>
> Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
> Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian
> Sullivan, every single time."
>
> Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
>
> Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
> the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
> baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
> the piano. He was an amazing guy."
>
> Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
>
> Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
> everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
> fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
> and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything
> right."
>
> Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
>
> Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
> jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never
> made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
> good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
> clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the
> perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian
> Sullivan."
>
> Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
>
> Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
> bloomin widow."
>

[Paul Plots]

First Christmas Joke?

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scottish man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of knickers.

St Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Click the pic for a bit of sparkle!!

[juliec]

Christmas Cake Recipe - for those of you who can't remember last year's cake recipe.

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottle wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in
case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you
can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to
fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl
through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Take a taxi to Tesco and buy cake.

Bingle Jells

 

 
 

 

[plum crumble]

Man having meal in Indian restaurant
Waiter comes by and asks, "Curry OK?"

Man pauses, then answers, "oh go on then, but only one song....." 


I'll get my coat

[PennyS]

These are getting worse.  Love'em!

[JayG]

   Plum!


If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.


For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.


If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.