[Goosegirl]

Scientists think there may be female hormones in beer, this explains why if you drink too much you cannot drive properly or shut up !

I think they're called "Alestrogens" because women need them to cope with their male counterparts who think they drive like Jenson Button but never realise they should button up when she finds he took her car to the pub, got a bit tiddly, walked back home and said " I can't do parallel parking - your mirror wasn't set up properly." She then replies "Should have gone to Doo-dahs and, while you were there, they could have tested your hearing as well, because I have to keep repeating everything I say to you." He replies "Eh? When was that?" She says "When I got my Advanced Driving Test and you thought it meant how to use the accelerator and, when you walk back to the pub to retrieve my car, please shut up the garage door, but only after you've finally realised how to work the remote control."   

[Tenhens]

Archeologists digging by one of the Pyramids have found a Mummy coated in  nuts and chocolate , the think it could be  Pharaoh Rochet


Why didn’t Cleopatra go to the psychiatrist?


– She was the Queen of Denial!

[Tenhens]

You may find the following amusing, apparently doing the rounds on social media.

Public quitters

Chris Evans   Ginger
David Cameron  Posh
Roy Hodgson  Sporty
Boris Johnson  Baby
Nigel Farage  Scary

[Tenhens]

Rather than shed a tear of sadness over the performance of the England football (allegedly!)  team thought it might be apt to laugh at their expense.   I'm sure they've got broad shoulders, they can take it.

 
England  have a new sponsor:  EASY JET.

In and Out of Europe in 90 minutes.



Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?

A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.


Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?

A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer


Q: What is common between a 3-pin plug and the England football team?

A: They are both useless in Europe!


Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England?

A: O J Simpson had a more credible defence


Q. What's the difference between the England football team and a jet engine?

A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.


Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2016 Commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box.



Q: What's the difference between The Invisible Man and England?

A: You've got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man at the Euro's.


Q: What's the difference between a PG Tips monkey and a England footballer?

A: A PG Tips monkey has been seen holding a cup.


Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:

"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."

So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"




Apparantly, the England football team is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.

- they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.



Q: How many England players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.



 

[hamstergbert]

I understand that a fan had to be prevented from christening his baby son after the entire England team as it was felt the name "Useless Overpaid Embarrassing Talentless Slackers Bloggs" might be hurtful.

The England players' performance was so bad that their own clubs didn't want them back.  They were briefly cheered by a rumour that Juventus was interested in buying most of them but it turned out that it was Fray Bentos that wanted them as corned beef.

In future games England will be doing a lap of honour if they win the toss up, on the basis that is the only success they are likely to achieve.

And one that says it all for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7d4I-HR6iw

[Growster...]

Excellent, Hamsters!

Wasn't there a 'song' for the Whorl Carp back in the late sixties called 'Back home'?

They were last week, and pretty damn quick too.

[Goosegirl]

To all of the above re- England's recent performance (or should I say - so lack-lustre they need all that silver polish now) As for Iceland and Wales? Win or lose, the "Punch line" must be: "That's the Way to do it!" 

[Tenhens]

I hear that some wag has re-worked an tv ad for a frozen food retailer and used the faces of the England players.

[Goosegirl]

I hear that some wag has re-worked an tv ad for a frozen food retailer and used the faces of the England players.

[Goneterseed]

So we have May as PM, Hammond as Treasurer................

Top Gear fans are wondering who is next.

[hamstergbert]

As so-called 'Big Beast' Kenneth Clarke is understood to be ignoring Boris as the new Foreign Secretary, I guess the grouping is now May, Hammond and Clarke's shun.





I'll get me goat.

[Growster...]

As so-called 'Big Beast' Kenneth Clarke is understood to be ignoring Boris as the new Foreign Secretary, I guess the grouping is now May, Hammond and Clarke's shun.





I'll get me goat.

Come back this instant!

It's May opening the batting, with Hammond at No two!

The commentator is Johnson (spelling mistake there)...

[hamstergbert]

"May and Hammond are being sensible, while Jeremy is as usual ridiculous".

I reckon Hansard could save a bob or two on parliamentary reports by recycling old Top Gear reviews.....

[Aunt Sally]

Come on every one, let's get back to some funny jokes.  The last 9 above are rubbish   

[Growster...]

Why did the chicken go to the medium?

To get to the other side.