[hillfooter]

I couldn't afford the new Ipad so I bought something cheaper called the Ipatch - it's the pirate version

Aarrgh 

Love it

[Glosterboy]

An Irishman was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late, to be sure."

The officer then asked, "Really? And who would be giving such a lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[Trillium]

For the over 50's - a few truths

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter..

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets   (Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the cashier had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the barcode, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.  She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!! Someone had to remind me, so I'm
reminding you too.

Don't laugh.....it is all true...Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20.  And never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[LilacSandy]

Over 50 Trillium - thats me.  Sadly I think that's all true 

[GTFC197]

5 Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at Dublin port,

Paddy, the customs officer stops them and says,

" it is illegal to carry 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means 4",

"Quattro is just the model of the car", replied the English driver, "Look at the logbook, it says it is designed to carry 5 persons".

"You wont pull that one on me", says Paddy,

"Quattro means 4, you have 5 in your car, so you are breaking the law".

"You idiot", replies the Englishman, "call your supervisor over, I want to speak to someone with a bit of intelligence!",

"Can't do that", replies Paddy, "he's too busy trying to deal with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno".

[Trillium]

This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my a**.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes Baker

[Growster...]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the busty blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Kathryn

[joyfull]

 

[Goosegirl]

TRILLIUM - THAT WAS OUTSTANDING !!! All I can offer is...
Question - How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer - Just the one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change. 

[Growster...]

Ha ha ha Goosey!

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two - one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bath tub with brightly coloured gardening tools...

[JayG]

"What would happen if I cut off your left ear?" a psychologist asked a client.
"I would not be able to hear", the client replied.
 
And if I cut off your right ear?", said the psychologist.
"I would not be able to see", replied the client.
 
Astonished, the psychologist asked, "Why?"
"Because my glasses would fall off."

[aelf]

How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

No point asking them, that's a hardware issue

 

[hillfooter]

TRILLIUM - THAT WAS OUTSTANDING !!! All I can offer is...
Question - How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer - Just the one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change. 

 
HF

[yorky]

A Chinese guy stood next to me last night in the pub. I said to him, 'Do you know martial arts, like Kung-Fu and Ju-Jitsu?'

'Why you ask?' he says. 'Is it because I’m Chinese?'

I said 'No, it’s because you’re drinking my pint.'

[John]

Ha ha ha Goosey!

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two - one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bath tub with brightly coloured gardening tools...

That is brilliant