[Lindeggs]

I think it's like some early form of sonar for detecting submarines or something like that anyway.  Anti Submarine Detection Apparatus something or other???
HF

I know I can always rely on Hillfooter for an enlightening response.   

[Trillium]

The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist

 Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and
 decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a
 practice together to share office space and personnel.
 
 Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist;
 they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and
 Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

 So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This
 was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
 
 "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
 
 Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down
 again..
 
 Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
 
 Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable
 again!
 
 So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.
 
 "Nuts and Butts" - no way.
 
 "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
 
 "Loons and Moons" - forget it.
 
 Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith
 and Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends"
 
 Everyone loved it.

[hillfooter]

For those who don't know what a proctologist is, they're doctors who put in a hard days work at the orifice.
HF

[hillfooter]

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A. A widow

and a blond one.

Two blonds were driving round the M25 when the radio suddenly interrupts with a traffic announcement for the M25 warning that there is one car driving on the wrong carriageway against the traffic. The blond passenger says to the driver: "One? There are hundreds of them".
HF

[lazydog]

My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?

[hillfooter]

My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?

  good one.  That's what i call a joke.

[GTFC197]

Why men don't become agony aunts!!!!

Dear Jim,

I left home for work the other day and after about 2 miles my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our house only to find my husband in bed with our 19yr old neighbour. They told me that it had been going on for the last 2 yrs.

Can you help me, I'm desperate and need help.


Dear reader,

The most common cause of cars breaking down in the first couple of miles is normally due to dirt in the fuel lines.



Hope this helps.

Jim.

[Paul Plots]

Why men don't become agony aunts!!!!

Dear Jim,

I left home for work the other day and after about 2 miles my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our house only to find my husband in bed with our 19yr old neighbour. They told me that it had been going on for the last 2 yrs.

Can you help me, I'm desperate and need help.


Dear reader,

The most common cause of cars breaking down in the first couple of miles is normally due to dirt in the fuel lines.



Hope this helps.

Jim.

That and forgetting to put petrol in. 

    

[davethespread]

 in the news today:a ninety year old woman has taken up belly dancing.

which i thought was rather odd as they usually prefer hip op

[mumofstig]

groan 

[plum crumble]

biggest Daily Funny at the moment? It's June

[MJS]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

[Paul Plots]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

   Perhaps he was highly strung 

[min200]

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

SHOULD WORK WITH GRANDKIDS ALSO.

[Aunt Sally]

Brilliant Min