[Nige2Plots]

It's the way you tell them Lorna
 

[arugula]

 

[yorky]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from so he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching '

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Y.E.A.H]

What do you call a dead musician?

a decomposer!!

[Trillium]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant—an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[Springlands]

 

[Thrift]

 

[Y.E.A.H]

 

[Paul Plots]

Problems with my computer...

[arugula]

Lost for words..... 

[yorky]

A man walks into a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun ...and robs the Bank!

But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line. Did you see me rob this Bank? The customer replies...YES!

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!... SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man: DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?

The man calmly responds. No ...but my wife did!

[hamstergbert]

Foreman of the Jury:  "We find the accused NOT GUILTY of bank robbery."
The accused: "Does that mean I can keep the money...?"


Magistrate: "Are you the defendant?"
Scally: "No, I got a lawyer to do the defendin'.  I'm the one wot nicked the motor..."


The accused:  "I am innocent, innocent... as God is my judge!"
Judge:  "He isn't.  I am.  Guilty.  Take 'im down."


Witness:  "He was falling about - clearly as drunk as a judge."
Judge: (frowning) "The actual expression is 'as drunk as a Lord', I believe.  Is that not so, Usher?"
Usher: "Er... yes, my Lord."

[Paul Plots]

Foreman of the Jury:  "We find the accused NOT GUILTY of bank robbery."
The accused: "Does that mean I can keep the money...?"


Magistrate: "Are you the defendant?"
Scally: "No, I got a lawyer to do the defendin'.  I'm the one wot nicked the motor..."


The accused:  "I am innocent, innocent... as God is my judge!"
Judge:  "He isn't.  I am.  Guilty.  Take 'im down."


Witness:  "He was falling about - clearly as drunk as a judge."
Judge: (frowning) "The actual expression is 'as drunk as a Lord', I believe.  Is that not so, Usher?"
Usher: "Er... yes, my Lord."

After that one... time for a wee nip of single malt I think     

[yorky]

BLONDE YEAR REVIEW

January-Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February-Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March-Got really excited....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April-Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June-Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August- Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October- Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

[GTFC197]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man try to get into a nightclub,


The bouncer on the door says,


"Sorry, but I can't let you in without a Thai."