[davethespread]

what does FIFA stand for.

the Russian national anthem.

                                      *                            *                               *
i was watching "rip off britain" the other day on BBC1 and i must say i was shocked that the television license never got mentioned.

[Paul Plots]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him:
 "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

[Springlands]

Think I will have the bed near the window 

[Paul Plots]

Poor kitty!!

[Thrift]

Brilliant! 

[arugula]

Poor kitty!!

[Edski675]

I went to the optician today and he told me that I'm colourblind.

It was a bolt out of the green.

[John]

I went to the optician today and he told me that I'm colourblind.

It was a bolt out of the green.

nice one!

[Paul Plots]

Young Paul bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paul replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paul said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paul said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paul said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paul and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paul said, 'I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898' 
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

 




 Paul said, 'Just the guy who won.’

NB Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[Thrift]

Good one! 

[min200]

Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - 'in case someone came over'
Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!
NOW, when people visit, I don't have to explain the 'condition' of my home
They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun.
If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it!
Dust if you must .......
but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed,
ponder the difference between want and need?
Dust if you must, but there's not much time . . . .
with coffee to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb , music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must,
but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around, again.

Dust if you must , but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind. . .

And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more dust!


Share this with the people in your life.
I JUST DID.
It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

[John]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

 It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 'Dear, Mum.

 It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

 I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

 But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

 Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

 We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really  hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with  the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

 Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


 Love, your son, Coby.



 "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than  the school report that's on my desk"

 I love you!  



Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[Y.E.A.H]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

 It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 'Dear, Mum.

 It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

 I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

 But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

 Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

 We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really  hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with  the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

 Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


 Love, your son, Coby.



 "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than  the school report that's on my desk"

 I love you! 


Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

[willowish]

the hired farm hand goes into the tractor shed to find the farmer doing a strip tease in front of the massey ferguson.
'what on earth are you doing?!' cried the farm worker
the farmer, looking very sheepish and embaressed replied 'well you see, Mrs farmer & me ain't been gettin on too well these days, so our therapist said i should do something sexy to a-tract-er!!'
 

[John]

Arghh - that was an 8.5 on the groan scale