[horsepooisgood]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

[horsepooisgood]

AN unemployed man at a JobCentre is asked: "Why haven't you looked for a job in six months?"He says: "I have a problem with my eyes - I can't see myself working."

WHAT does a Newcastle fan do after his team has beaten Real Madrid in the Champions League? Turns off his PlayStation and goes to bed.

A WOMAN stands in the nude looking in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband: "I feel horrible. I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

SOMEONE with the Midas touch has good fortune and everything they have contact with "turns to gold".

PM Gordon Brown is said to have the "Andrex touch".

Latest new: the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

Bradford & Bingley employees are dismayed they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander. A spokesman explained: "Nobody expects the Spanish acquisition."

Breaking news:
Prime Minister Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert from "Run" to "Hide".
There are only two higher alert levels in France, which are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively crippling their military.

[horsepooisgood]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws:


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time,
on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by
those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to
fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[horsepooisgood]

That's how the fight started:


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....



My wife walked into the den & asked, "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, " I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a silver bathroom scale.

And that's how the fight started.....





I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time," she said.

So I asked, " How about the kitchen?"

And that's how the fight started.....





My wife and I were watching " Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Would you like to make love?'

"No," she answered.

I then said, " Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply said 'Yes.'

So I said, " Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started.....



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Stella for £14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95.


I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And that's how the fight started.....




I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. I said, "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, " Aren't you worried about the mad cow? "

I replied, "Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....

[Jamie Butterworth]

I was shopping in asda the other day when the shelf of toilet roll fell onto my head, i went to see my doctor and he says ive got soft tissue damage.

Ill get my coat

[horsepooisgood]

I was shopping in asda the other day when the shelf of toilet roll fell onto my head, i went to see my doctor and he says ive got soft tissue damage.

Ill get my coat

Shall I hold it for you Jamie?

[horsepooisgood]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers
...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[8doubles]

Boat for sale on Ebay,

Ark Royal

No trailer.

[Jamie Butterworth]

I was shopping in asda the other day when the shelf of toilet roll fell onto my head, i went to see my doctor and he says ive got soft tissue damage.

Ill get my coat

Shall I hold it for you Jamie?

Thanks Mark

[Bizzi Lizzi]

Horsepooisgood, you are brilliant.  Loved these comments.

[davethespread]

paul the octopus was'nt dead after all,

he was just worried the sea-life centre lacked ambition,

but has now signed a lucritive five year contract.

[John]

paul the octopus was'nt dead after all,

he was just worried the sea-life centre lacked ambition,

but has now signed a lucritive five year contract.

Subtle

[davethespread]

BBC NEWS: airport tax to rise 55%

The only people who will be able to fly will be bankers,politicians and well funded terrorists.

what a brilliant idea.

                                    *                           *                             *

so wayne rooney went to dubai for his birthday....

he must have saved all day for that.

[Paul Plots]

Alzheimer's Test
I can't remember where I got this from or if I've passed it on before!!!


How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X   
4. P_N_S   
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
 
 
 




 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   
 
Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM   
 
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

[horsepooisgood]

Financial Markets
Important news for those investing in the Japanese market:
"Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal."