[John]

Birds and Bees….
One day a kindly Grandmother offered to look after her eight year old granddaughter.
Whilst in the middle of a game the child turned and asked Granny, 'What do you call it when one person lies on top of another person?'
Granny could not believe her bad luck in having this question asked and decided to explain all about the 'birds and the bees'.

The next day, her granddaughter came round again and said, “Mummy says that it's called 'Bunk Beds' and that she's coming round to see you later!”

The proper thing to do is to give a clear scientific answer in great detail. I usually find that by the time we've got to the role of RNA in DNA duplication, with a little aside on the discovery of the double helix that children are fast asleep

[Foghorn-Leghorn]

Have you noticed how attractive women drive small cute cars?
Which reminds me, the MOT on the wife's transit is due!

[arugula]

 

[Paul Plots]

A Woman's dog is drowning in the sea.
A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it & saves its life.

'Are you a vet?' said the woman.

'Vet?' said the German , 'I'm soaked!'

[arugula]

 

[Jamie Butterworth]

A child was put into an orphanage because his parents beet him.

When the orphanage asked him who hed like to adopt him he replied...

"The england football team, because they dont beat anyone"

[horsepooisgood]

Does anyone know how to retract a bid on ebay?

I just bid a fiver on a Mickey Mouse outfit and now I'm five minutes away from owning Liverpool Football Club!!

[born_2b_mad]

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Have you any bread?"
The astonished barman looks at the duck and replies, "Sorry this is a pub, we don't sell bread", with that the duck waddles out.

The following day the duck returns to the pub and says to the barman, "Have you any bread?"
The barman replies, "As I said yesterday, this is a pub, we don't sell bread!", with that the duck turns around and waddles out of the pub.

The next day the duck returns once again, walks up to the barman and says "Have you any bread?"
Now very irate the barman says to the duck "Are you stupid or something, I've already told you we don't sell bread, if you ask me one more time I'm gonna nail your beak to this damn bar!" The duck turns around without a murmer and waddles out of the door.

A day later and the duck returns to the pub, waddles up to the barman and says, "You got any nails?"
The barman now ready to explode says, "NO WE DON'T SELL NAILS!!!"
The duck then replies, "Good, have you got any bread?"

[arugula]

That's one of my favourite jokes b2bm!

[Bizzi Lizzi]

 

[arugula]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the values of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'  Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love s*x. The second floor has wives that love s*x and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[arugula]

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the  Scotsman said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife  and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
 
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said,  "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high".
     

[aelf]

  didn't see that one coming 

[Dabhand]

A man goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is fat, yellow, lazy and drinks a lot and his wife Marge has big blue hair."

[Paul Plots]

A man goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is fat, yellow, lazy and drinks a lot and his wife Marge has big blue hair."