[arugula]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too,"  says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that,"  says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"  explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."  "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

     
(my coat is already on).....

[aelf]

what is a Cannergeroot?




A scotsman stuck in a lavatory 

[arugula]

what is a Cannergeroot?




A scotsman stuck in a lavatory 

Wye eye man that soonds like Geordie to me! 

[horsepooisgood]

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

[hamstergbert]

Five (more) rules for living:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time,  cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to  be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[Yorkie]

Another good one, hamster 

[GTFC197]

Someone went into Mother-in-Laws garden yesterday and pinched a pair of her knickers off her washing line.

She is very annoyed, she doesn't want the knickers back,

Just the 48 pegs that were used to peg em out!

[horsepooisgood]

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."

[elibump]

 

Obviously Keith Moon's car then.

[Nige2Plots]

In one of this weeks papers.................................. The lady who did the Speaking Clock has died this week   She died on the third Stroke!

[plum crumble]

 

[horsepooisgood]

Lets see who knows all the old Mary had a little lamb ones. Heres a starter:--

Mary had a little lamb
she milked it with a spanner
the milk came out in shilling cans
and smaller ones for a tanner.

And remember its a family forum.
(Aunty is watching)

[Paul Plots]

Lets see who knows all the old Mary had a little lamb ones. Heres a starter:--

And remember its a family forum.
(Aunty is watching)

Mary had a little bike
She rode it across the grass
And every time the wheel went round
The spoke went up her 

Arsk
no questions
Tell no lies
Who saw the Chinaman doing up his 

Flies
are a nuisance
Bees are worse
This is the end of
This ridiculous verse! 

[aelf]

Mary had a little lamb
It had a sooty foot
And onto Mary's new white coat
It's sooty foot he put

[DD.]

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But never seen .................