[Tenhens]

I wondered what the punch line would be, that is excellent, thank you for posting.

[rogerbodger]

I received a cold call yesterday - the caller asked if I'd been mis-sold TDi

[rogerbodger]

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

[Growster...]

Police stop a driver in his white transit van speeding on his way to a building site. The Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 30?"

The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"

[Blackpool rocket]

My friend Blake and I  were hiking and came upon a big hole in the ground. Blake picks up a rock and tosses it into the hole and stands listening for the rock to hit bottom. Slam!
He turned to me and says "That must be a deep hole... let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." we find a bigger rock and pick it up and drag it to the hole and drop it in. We listened for some time and.... Slam!
Again, we agree that this must be one deep hole and maybe we should throw something even bigger into it. Blake spots a big log nearby.
We pick it up, grunting and groaning, and throw it to the hole, listening intently...... Slam!
All of a sudden, a goat comes out of the woods, running like the wind, and flies past us and jumps straight into the hole. We were astounded.
Tired of the hike, we  walk back through the woods, and a little later meet an old farmer who asks us if we had seen a goat. I tell the farmer of the incredible incident we had just witnessed of the goat running out of the woods, running like the wind and leaping into the big hole.
Blake  asks the  farmer if this could've been his goat.

The old farmer says "No, that can't be my goat, it was tied to a big log."

Br

[oakridge]

My Mum, who we later thought of the model for Hyacinth Bucket, had a little poem which may only be understandable to Yorkshire oldies:

If thar Bob dunt gi ar Bob that bob tharree owes ar Bob
Ar Bob's gunna gi thar Bob a bob int' eye.

When I was at Exhall Grange School near Coventry in the 50s stars from the theatre often used to come and give us a concert.  Jewel and Warris gave us this little ditty:

There was a farm near Huddersfield,
That had a cow that wouldn't yield,
The reason why she wouldn't yield,
She didn't like her udders feeled.

There are lots of sayings about us Yorkshire folks:

You can always tell a Yorkshireman, but not a lot.

Yorkshire is the English Texas.

A Yorkshireman is a Scotsman stripped of his generosity.

There are others.

Malcolm

[oakridge]

I was supposed to add this one:

The police were very bored having bagged no customers with their speed camera on a country lane when along came a boy racer on a motor bike.  When the Police stopped they said that they had been waiting all day for him.  He replied, 'Well I got here as quick as I could'.  They couldn't do anything for laughing and let him go.

Malcolm

[ARPoet]

Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she’s lousy at snooker.

[Yorkie]

 

[Tenhens]

The other half is a Trekki fan , I asked her how many ears Mr Spock had, two , she replied.
No , I said. He's got three.

A left ear

A right ear


and a final frontier!!

[cadalot]

What as the USS Enterprise and a toilet roll have in common?
They both get rid of Klingons

What did Spock find in Kirk's toliet?
The Captain's Log

 

[oakridge]

Signs of the times:

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundrette, er, do they still have them?
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES, PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO REMOVED THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office again:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BYCICLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.  WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN.

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

In a Safari Park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen at a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL IS BROKEN).

On a field gate:
ENTRY TO THIS FIELD GATE IS FREE - THE BULL WILL CHARGE LATER.
I do know of a farmer who did this.

Malcolm

[Tenhens]

Our aim is to keep these men,s toilets clean , your aim will help.

[grinling]

On facebook

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seed nobody do it!'

[rogerbodger]

Some of the "best" newspaper headlines of recent years ....

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
How did he manage that?

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No,do you really think so?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School DropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?