[snowdrops]

 

[dugless]

Subject: FW: Aussies can be so sensitive:

   Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone
>tower:Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
>As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is
>killed instantly..
>As the ambulance takes the body away,
>Bluey says, 'Well, * me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. '
>
>Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do
>it.'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
>
>Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?''Coot's wife gave it
>to me,' Mongrel replies.'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her
>husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?''Well, not exactly',
>Mongrel says.'When she answered the door,  I said to her, "you must be
>Coot's widow."She said, 'You must be mistaken..  I'm not a widow.'Then
>I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'
>
>Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
>

[Tenhens]

Great gag!!   I seem to recall something of a similar vein about a young private in the Army having to be told that a close relative had passed away.

As I write this another England wicket has gone down   -   306 for 9 in pursuit of the Aussies 566 for 8

[mumofstig]

The England Cricket team is a joke 

[slingshot2000]

You did not say that last week . . . . . . . . >>>>>>>>    ?

[mumofstig]

You did not say that last week . . . . . . . . >>>>>>>>    ?

It wouldn''t have been funny last week 

[slingshot2000]

You did not say that last week . . . . . . . . >>>>>>>>    ?

It wouldn''t have been funny last week 

I see your point !

[Growster...]

Tenhens, it goes a bit like this...

A sergeant was told to break the news of a death in a private's family, so he marched straight up to the lad, and shouted, 'Private Jones, your dad's dead'!

The CO heard this and had a quiet word with the NCO, asking him to use a little more tact next time.

And the next time, the NCO called the platoon to order, and shouted out, 'All those with fathers, take one step forward - Private Smith, where do you think you're going...'!

[Tenhens]

That's the one Growster...   Thank you!!

[hamstergbert]

…And there was this chap who got away from the family farm as quickly as humanly possible and joined the Navy, winding up in submarines.   After a long patrol with no family communications etc he couldn't wait to phone home and see how things were going back on the farm.   

So he joined the queue for the phone box on the end of the jetty, merrily jingling the coins in his pocket. (no, that is not a euphemism. Behave yourselves.)  Eventually it was his turn and he dialled home and fed his coins into the slot.

"Hello, Mum!  It's me – we just got alongside.  How's everything – how's my lovely dog Shep?"
"Oh, son, I'm ever so sorry, I'm afraid your dog Shep….is dead!"
"Dead?  Dead?  What happened?"
"Kicked in the head by old Dobbin the horse.  Didn't stand a chance!"
"But… but Dobbin was a lovely, gentle horse!  Why on earth would lovely old Dobbin kick Shep?"
"Ah… we think he was panicking with the smoke and all."
"Smoke?  What smoke?"
"Well, with the stables being on fire and burning down, there was a lot of smoke in there.  In fact is was the smoke that did for the old horse"
"How the devil did the stables get on fire?  Careless cigarette end or something?"
"No, nothing like that.  We think it was just some sparks and embers blown across from the main house."
"What do you mean, 'from the main house'?  Where would sparks and embers come from?"
"Well when the fire in the house got fierce enough, the roof caved in and a load of sparks and embers were thrown up."
"Fire in the house?   But how did the house catch fire?  Electrical fault, lightning strike, what…?"
"Nothing of that sort.  We reckon one of the candles must have fallen off the coffin."
"Coffin?  Whose coffin?  Tell me, whose coffin?"
"Oh, it was Grandad's coffin."
"Grandad?  Grandad is dead?  How did he die?"
"Well, hard to say really.  The doctor said it was probably of a broken heart.  He just sort of gave up after your Grandma's funeral the day before."
"Grandma?  Grandma's funeral?  You telling me Grandma is dead as well?"
"Yes, son, dead as a doornail.  Bird flu.  That was why we had to slaughter the entire flock of chickens and-"
"- stop it Mum!" he yelps.  "It's a nightmare, bad news upon bad news and more bad news.  Is there nothing, anything at all positive you can say?"
His mum thinks hard for a moment, then "Well, with all the heat from the burning buildings, it warmed up the ground and your Dad's broad beans are coming on a treat…."

[8doubles]

  Like !

[oldgrunge]

Brilliant 😄😄😄

[dugless]

----I have one of these
-
I have a little GPS, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little GPS, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty K’s an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counseling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the b****r off.
-----

[Sparkyrog]

ROFL had to facebook that one 

[cadalot]

ROFL had to facebook that one 

Same here my cousin will love it