[Sparkyrog]

 

[dugless]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

 The first man married a Greek girl.

 He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

 It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

 The second man married a Thai girl.

 He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.

 By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...

 The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.

 He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, ...... but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher

[snowdrops]

  How true, I'm from Yorkshire & I would go with that attitude too.

[Welsh Merf]

Married life is like a deck of cards. It starts with a heart and a diamond, but it's not long before you wish you had a club and a spade!

[Fairy Plotmother]

Married life is like a deck of cards. It starts with a heart and a diamond, but it's not long before you wish you had a club and a spade!

[Goosegirl]

Dugless - Dugless - Dugless! Brilliant!  Just sent it to some friends and am awaiting their responses! Am now going to post something on here "wot I wrote" that I did a while ago in another post. It says the same thing.

[Goosegirl]

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A WOMAN!
Primordial man comes in and slams the front door:
MAN: Oi Woman! Where are my clean trousers?
WOMAN: Hello darling – have you had a good day?
MAN: I said – where’s my clean trousers?
WOMAN:  I really don’t know, my sweetheart. I’ve looked everywhere for them including the utility room. Have you had a good day?
MAN: What’s the utility room?
WOMAN: It’s where I keep the laundry basket. Have you had a good day?
MAN: What’s the laundry basket?
WOMAN: It’s that thing where you put your dirty clothes, and then they appear in your wardrobe all nice and clean quite by magic.
MAN: Don’t be flippant! I want my clean trousers NOW!
WOMAN: If I could give you anything in this world, my precious, I would do so without question but, as you have so often said, you wear the trousers, so I just presumed you knew where they were.
MAN: I put them in – er – well – er - nearby the thingy, er - what’s it called again?
WOMAN: It’s a laundry basket - the thingy you are now wearing over your head.
MAN: (muffled voice). Ah – I wondered what it was! Where’s my pre-prandial Gin and Tonic?
WOMAN: Oh – I’m sorry my deepest love, I must have positioned it just out of reach for you when you fell on the sofa just now  – please forgive me for an error that is most unforgivable. I would, of course, give it to you now as requested, but I hate to think of you having to exercise your poor throat muscles working so hard to imbibe it. I would, of course, massage them for you with essential oils but the effect would take some time to work. Please let me consume it for you as a gesture of atonement (slurp!).
MAN: Where’s my dinner?
WOMAN: In the microwave.
MAN: Where’s the microwave?
WOMAN: In the kitchen (slurp).
MAN: Where’s the kitchen?
WOMAN: Next door to the utility room (slurp).
MAN: What’s the utility room?
WOMAN: Itsh where the laundry basket ushted to be.
MAN: (muffled voice). What’s a laundry basket, and why isn’t it there now – remind me!!
WOMAN: Itsh that thing still over your head. I think soup would be better for you tonight my darling, but you can chose whatever colour of straw you want for it – I have red and blue ones (slurp, slurp). Jusht gently indicate with your fingers which convenient opening in the laundry basket you dthesire me to insert your sthraw.
MAN: (still in a muffled voice). Where’s my evening newspaper? I want it NOW!
WOMAN: Oh, love of my life – I am soooo sorry!! The cat had a wee on it – only a little one - and I would have watshed, thdried and thpressed it for you, but you came home just after she did it, and I ......
MAN: Pressed? What’s that? Pressed it on what??
WOMAN: The ironing board.
MAN: What’s an ironing board?
WOMAN: Oh my darling, don’t you worry yourself about that now, it’s jusht something that us females uthse to ensure that all is as pristine as possible to make your little life runs smoothly (Hic).
MAN (still in a rather muffled voice): Where is my paper now?
WOMAN: I put it in the thingy – er – laundry basket (several slurps).
MAN: Where’s the laundry basket?
WOMAN: (Slurp) – On your head, dear – remember?
MAN: Ahh – I wondered what that smell was.
WOMAN: I’ve just found your trousers you wanted washing!!
MAN: Of course you have – I just left them where I normally do. I did tell you before, though you weren’t listening as usual.
WOMAN: Err – I wath listening Oh Great One but, as they were left on the floor in a heap, I assumed they were for Oxfam, so I wathshed them beforehand asth stated on the washing instructions label (slurp, slurp) – er - at least I think I did? (slurp, slurp, hic).
MAN: You DID wash them with “extreme care wash”?
WOMAN: (slurp, slurp) Ah – I thought it said “intensive care wash”, so a boil wash at ninety degrees with maximum spin and drying temperature .......? Oh, silly me. Should have gone to Spec-Savers!!!!!
MAN: (having shower): AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!! This water’s f******g freezing! Why didn’t you put the immersion on earlier when I came in?
WOMAN: Oh, heart of my desire – I would have done, but I uthsed all the hot water washing your Oxfam trousers, and you remember that little tiff we had about you posthitioning (hic) the immersion heater sthwitch in the utility room well above my head so I couldn’t reach it, and you said I was just being a thsilly old girl, but (slurp, slurp, slurp) you know I always do my best for you, whatever the circumstances, and I did do my best but....
MAN: But what, woman??
WOMAN: You wouldn’t buy me a nice little pair of steps, only £9.99 from Argos in the sale, so I had to use my initiative, as you have so often told me to do (slurp, hic).
MAN: So what was the final culmination of all your widest female experiences??
WOMAN: I had to use something to stand on to help me reach the fr*****g thswitch.
MAN: (very muffled voice). Language please! What did you use?
WOMAN: The stuffing laundry basket.
MAN: (an extremely muffled voice). Ahh – that hurts!! Can’t you get this thing off my head???
WOMAN: Of course I will my little thweet preciousness. All I need is some thome Fairy Liquid as a lubricant.
MAN: GET SOME NOW!!!!!!
WOMAN: Instantly my hero .... except.... oh dear ...what a daft tart I am. I’ve run out of supplies in the kitchen. I’ve also run out of wine; however, as you have so often taught me, always keep a spare one in expiry date order on the shelf.
MAN: Where’s the shelf?
WOMAN: Above the immersion switch you positioned for me.
MAN: Where’s the immersion switch?
WOMAN: In the utility room.
MAN: (a very, extremely muffled voice) Whasssaaat? Ahhhhh!!
WOMAN: Oh – I think that’s the front door - I’ll get it for you – er - no – I think it’s for me. Hello Mellors!  Have you had a good day? Shall I run our bath now?

[dugless]

I knew I had seen that some where, just could not remember where

[JayG]

Found these Edinburgh Fringe "winners" (they were awarded this year too but I thought these were funnier!)

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
 
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
 
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
 
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

Source: BBC news website - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-19316443

[Goosegirl]

I knew I had seen that some where, just could not remember where

To what are you referring here? Not the bit wot I rote - 'cos I did rited it - all by myself too (seriously - I did).

[rogerbodger]

A few from Milton Jones ....

• You know what's a dangerous insect? .... that Hepatitis bee
• Hepatitis C .... A dangerous place to swim
• I bet I know what kind of hepatitis came from Taipei
• If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E, does he become an earlobe?
• My Uncle is a professional Counterfeiter .... he even has the certificates to prove it
• My auntie Marge has been in hospital for six months .... I can't believe she's not better!
• My grandad used to always go on about how, in the old days, people could leave their back doors open ....which is probably why his submarine sank.
• My great-great-great-grandad invented the Cold Air Balloon .... it was a decent idea but, for some reason, it never really took off
• I remember when I was a kid and all I wanted for Christmas was an Action Man, I got this plastic doll with a cord on its back and when you pulled it it said "30, 30, 35, 35, 35, 40......" I looked on the box ....... Auction Man.
• I enjoy listening to Scottish music on my och aye pod
• The hel-ipad is very big but quite a surprising app
• Militant feminists; I take my hat off to them .... they don't like that.
• I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a llama.
• When I was younger my Grandma used to rub lard into my Grandpa's back when he was ill .... he went down hill fast after that
• The worst job I ever had was as a forensic scientist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
• Whenever people ask what I do for a living I always say I work for the United Nations .... because thinking about it, I have been UN employed for a while now...
• If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady .... that's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
• Just bought a broken second hand time machine - plan to fix it, have lots of adventures then go back and not buy it
• 1895 AD - H. G. Wells publishes the book 'The time Machine'.
  1896 AD - H.G. Wells writes the book 'The time Machine'.
• They say that when you cut a worm in two one end will wriggle .... not if you cut it length ways.

[Chrysalis]

 
Just what I needed, thanks

[rogerbodger]

Researchers for the Department of Transport found over 200 dead crows near Birmingham recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.  A Bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.  The cause of death appeared to be vehicle impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an ornithological behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of lorry kills versus car kills.

The ornithological behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:  when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Car", not a single one could shout "Lorry".

[joyfull]

 

[Fairy Plotmother]