[dugless]

 Medical examination...

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure

Are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....

Doctor, stopping her says: "No! No!  Just show me your tongue."

Edit: one rendition is plenty, don't need three.

[fatcat1955]

Me and the wife went to this new Indian restaurant last night and shared a pelican curry. It was very nice but the bill was massive.

[dugless]

Medical examination...

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure

Are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....

Doctor, stopping her says: "No! No!  Just show me your tongue."

Edit: one rendition is plenty, don't need three.

sorry dont know how that happened mut have had a senior moment

[azubah]

Grandad was fastening his little grandson in the back seat of the car when the boy noticed the window button on the door.
He asked his grandad what they were for.
Grandad replied "don't touch that or the roof will open and you will be shot out into outer space!"
Grandad got into the driving seat, and a few minutes later heard a little voice from the back seat "Grandad..it doesn't work"

[LilacSandy]

Medical examination...

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure

Are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....

Doctor, stopping her says: "No! No!  Just show me your tongue."

Edit: one rendition is plenty, don't need three.

sorry dont know how that happened mut have had a senior moment

Mutt is spelt with two T's Duglass 

[dugless]

Medical examination...

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure

Are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....

Doctor, stopping her says: "No! No!  Just show me your tongue."

Edit: one rendition is plenty, don't need three.

sorry dont know how that happened mut have had a senior moment

Mutt is spelt with two T's Duglass  

Must agrree but there should have been an (s) in there another senior moment


Fix quoted text.

[dugless]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
 
 
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.
 
 
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
 
 
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
 
 
They shook their heads and looked at each other. very confused..
 
 
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
 
 
One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"
 
 
The worker yelled back,
"'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

[Welsh Merf]

If you don't follow football, this won't mean anything to you I'm afraid!

Van Persie has transferred from Arsenal to Man Utd, and he has written a book about his time at Arsenal. However, it doesn't have a title!

[Welsh Merf]

During the summer holidays a little girl is "helping" the builders next door to build an extension. Her mother is rightly concerned that her daughter is getting in the way.

However, the following Monday the little girl comes home for dinner, sporting a pink safety helmet, My Little Pony wellington boots and a pair of gloves, all of which have been donated by the builders. And at the end of the week she comes home with a little envelope.

"What's in that envelope?" asks mummy.

"It's my pay-packet," says the little girl, and opens it to reveal £5 that the lads have given her, complete with a little pretend pay-slip.

Mummy smiles proudly. "How wonderful," she says. "And are you working again next week darling?"

"Mmmm . . ." says the little girl. "I'm not sure yet. It depends if those lazy b******s from Jewsons deliver the f******g bricks or not!"

[hamstergbert]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted  "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an Engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[Springlands]

 

[hamstergbert]

and another one for engineers:

Optimist:  "This glass is half full..."
Pessimist : "This glass is half empty...."
Engineer: "This glass is the wrong size.."

[JayG]

I just met an athlete near the Olympic Park.

I asked "Are you a Pole Vaulter?"

He said "No, I'm German..........and how do you know my name?"

 

[Goosegirl]

I'd been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it kept asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show ..... 

[dugless]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I  went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...