[Paul Plots]

Wives don't forget old boyfriends!

Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor living it large-breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!

 

[dugless]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"


"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf"

[New shoot]

After a big row a husband turns to his wife and says 'I was a fool when I married you'

She replies ' Yes I know, but I was in love and didn't notice'

[Springlands]

After a big row a husband turns to his wife and says 'I was a fool when I married you'

She replies ' Yes I know, but I was in love and didn't notice'

That brought back happy memories and made me smile New Shoot - if something silly happened in our house my mum and dad used to use those quips. And on 1 April - their wedding anniversary. 

[angelavdavis]

My 3 year old son is currently going through his challenging over food phase.  Picture the scene at dinner, tucking into a lovely salad from the allotment:

D aged 3 holds up a halved tomato from his plate "Mummy this is yucky."

I reply, "It's a tomato which you helped me pick from the allotment and it's yummy".

Shakes his head violently "No, that isn't a tomato and it isn't yummy".

[Here we go again] "Yes baby, its a tomato and its yummy".

"No Mummy, tomatoes don't look like this."

Then, piecing two halves together, he proudly holds it up and announces "THIS is what a tomato looks like!"

Then he puts the two halves into his mouth, smiles and announces "THAT is a yummy tomato. Mmmm"!!!

[mumofstig]

Sooooo typical 

[snowdrops]

Yesterday it was our garden clubs annual show,I was part of the team booking in the exhibitors  & their exhibits.
picture this, I was working with a retired lady, when a small girl came with her form to enter. I asked her how old she was & she told me 8 nearly 9. I told her I would have to write 8 down, my co worker said "older than us". The 8 yr old said as quick as a wink " I said 8 not 80". I almost fell off my chair laughing, co worker was not as amused until I pointed out she'd left herself wide open for that.

[hamstergbert]

Many. many moons ago.  After a nastly but mercifully short chimney-toppling and tile-stealing storm had swept over the village in which I grew up, Mum (who was very caring) sent my slightly older sister along the lane to "check how old Mrs McGrigor is after that bad weather".   

Sister duly trotted off and returned five minutes later to report that "Mrs McGrigor says it's none of your *ruddy* business how old she is either before or after the bad weather...."

[lacewing]

I often smile when I remember the day my daughter came home from school, a few days before the summer holidays and announced,  we are cracking up an Thursday!

[Springlands]

I often smile when I remember the day my daughter came home from school, a few days before the summer holidays and announced,  we are cracking up an Thursday!

More likely the teachers cracking up 

[dugless]

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

[Yorkie]

 

[Paul Plots]

Many. many moons ago.  After a nastly but mercifully short chimney-toppling and tile-stealing storm had swept over the village in which I grew up, Mum (who was very caring) sent my slightly older sister along the lane to "check how old Mrs McGrigor is after that bad weather".   

Sister duly trotted off and returned five minutes later to report that "Mrs McGrigor says it's none of your *ruddy* business how old she is either before or after the bad weather...."

You can always rely upon the young and the old to get things puddled mup! 

[Goosegirl]

A little boy was waiting with his mother in a bus queue. Next to them was an expectant mum. After contemplating her for a while, the boy turned to his mum and said "Look Mummy, that lady's stagnant!" 

[allot2learn]

I went to a Chinese restaurant the other day and a duck came up to me with a rose and told me I had the most beautiful eyes in the world, so I called the waiter over and said "I asked for aromatic duck".